Please help me

[Needhelp0001]

I need help moving forward.

I’ve been married 7 yrs and have 2 kids (8 and 2).

Over these years my husband has done the following:

• Got £25k in debt from unpaid tax which I paid with my personal savings.
• Got £30k in credit card debt which we added to the mortgage.
• We had Bayliffs for another £14k at the start of last year and a threat of bankruptcy.
• inappropriate messaging - I saw some flirty chats on his laptop - with female colleagues 3 times. I genuinely don’t think it went further than messaging but I don’t know. These broke my heart.
• He works away for quite long periods and quite often tagged personal holiday on the end- leaving me working full time and caring for our son.
• When he was out of work he wouldnt do childcare. My parents often came up to help and he would just laze about / go for coffees.
• I found a wrap of coke on the toilet once when he was working from home. He smokes weed every day. In our social circles (middle class / educated) casual drug use is not entirely unusual (I don’t smoke weed, have on occasion taken drugs when out but no longer do this).
• Once when our oldest was very young (2/3) he slapped his face leaving a red mark. I told him if he ever touched our son again I would leave him that day. He never did it again.
• He has a tendency to be angry and passive aggressive.

There’s more but this is probably a good reflection of some of the bad aspects of our marriage.

The problem is I’m stuck. Since I told him I wanted to leave a year ago he’s become the best dad ever. So involved with the kids. And in general I guess probably had matured from the earlier days. He’s actually a lovely man in other ways and has been very good at making grand gestures (surprise parties etc), buying flowers over the years. Though less good at being a partner to me through the early years of our son’s life.

I’m stuck. I feel he’s demonstrated that he can change - but by now I’m 80% out. My son is devastated that we are splitting. I can sense he already blames me.

Would you leave, or try to make it work?

I'd leave the slapping of a child alone would of been enough and getting into debt once should of made you want to run. New year new start for you.

What's he spending all that money on?

Well this is the thing Category - he says he spent it on the family. I think it’s just sheer stupidity with money. He bought loads of bikes. He spent £16k on getting his teeth sorted (I recently found the receipt behind a piece of furniture when sorting out my sons room). He loves clothes and shoes. And he’s generous.

Thankyou Same.

I'd be out of there. You don't need that sort of stress. I feel incredibly sorry for you!

It sounds like it's a little too late on his part. You are already 80% out so staying would be a huge sacrifice- one that's going to come up many times in the future.
Personally for me, once I see someone's true colors I cant go back.
you could stay and make everyone happy, but you also need to be happy as well.
Maybe try some counseling on your own.

Oh god leave. Everything is about him and you'll always be dancing to his tune.

Your son may not want you to split, but do you want him to learn this is the correct way for men to behave?

I'm sure he will revert back to his previous horrible behaviour if you decide to stay married to him. What reason does he have to change?

Ditch him. He's a dead weight and will only drag you down with him.

Fuck that, the damage would be done for me. Leave.

I think the suddenly changing the behaviour now youve told him you are done would make me more angry. He could have always a ted like a decent man, he just chose not to.

Christ, why are you even still there

He's not generous! You are! He's using your money because you bail him out. You don't mention whether you love him or doing things that you want to, with him, as a couple? He holidays alone...

Your son will get over it and cope if your co-parenting is well organized.

45andfine and anyfucker

I did love him a lot. We did family holidays and he would cook big meals for us, organise nights out and weekends away.

The thing is, he’s light and dark. He is great at being a romantic person but he’s not great at putting in the hours of boring, gritty, tough stuff it takes to raise a kid. He was very, very lazy in the respect and I think on reflection I’m broken from 8 years of a high stress job and being the main parent to my son and to my husband. I feel I can’t take any more.

But he’s devastated. And he says I haven’t tried to fix it.

"Best dad ever"? I find that hard to believe.

Is he still angry and passive aggressive? Still a spendthrift? Still screwing around with other women? Still doing drugs? Still intimidating if you challenge him?

If he's still doing the anger and passive aggressiveness then he's not a good dad, he's created a hostile stressful and frightening environment for his children for - at most - all but the last year of their lives. He's not a good dad, let alone the best dad ever.

Just because he can play act to con you into staying doesn't mean you're obliged to overlook his long history of abuse and stay. You can still leave and protect your children from thinking this shit is normal or good.

You're a disgrace that you didn't leave with your son the minute he physically assaulted him and left a mark.
He is NOT a good dad. He takes drugs (but then so did you so the family moral compass is obviously somewhat messed up here). He racks up debt that you pay off. He brought bailiffs to your door. Yeah, dad of the year.

I have zero sympathy for you. But all for your son.

But he’s devastated. And he says I haven’t tried to fix it.

Bullshit.

1. That's emotional manipulation to con you into staying so he can keep mistreating you all.

1. He has been an abusive dickhead for the best part of a decade (so your poor kids probably already have developmental trauma) and that's his responsibility, not yours. There's nothing for you to fix.

WWw.freedomprogramme.co.uk

The thing is, if he was being abusive - do you think my friends & family would have noticed?

They all think he’s a bit lazy / crap with money / bit controlling - but none have ever suggested he’s abusive.

They’re all surprised it’s over & in general would say he’s a nice guy.

I feel like a complete idiot.

We did family holidays and he would cook big meals for us, organise nights out and weekends away

Those things you credit him for 1) involved spending your money with massive "look how generous I am" virtue signalling and 2) are basic 101 when you are in a partnership, nothing special at all

How would your friends and family
Know he was being abusive? Most abusers are able to put on a face when around others and are usually charmers and well liked by family and others.

He was financially Abusive and got into large debts which you have repeatedly paid off
He refused to look after his own son when he wasn't working and your family had to step in,
He uses drugs daily
He assaulted his 3 yr old son
He has been messaging OW

'Light and dark'?! Come on love, he's an abusive twat.

It doesn't matter what your family think of him. They don't have to live with him.

The worst kind of abusers can put on a good front when they want to. I've got a friend who ended up in a refuge because of DV, but if you didn't know you'd think her ex is the nicest guy ever.

You know in your gut whats going on, be brave and follow your instincts. Best of luck to you

He slapped your 2yo across the face and you stayed.

There is fuck all we can say to help if you stayed after this.

Why are you stuck OP? Just because he's suddenly turned into the 'best dad ever'? He can be the best dad ever whether you're still together or not.

You're not an idiot, you're just waking up to the reality of your life. This is a man who got into £70k of debt SO FAR with his 'grand gestures'. Spent £16k on teeth?! A man who slapped his 2 year old son. A man who won't do childcare. How much more will you take?