I feel trapped but cannot afford to leave

[Wgas]

First time poster, sorry this is long. Been married for nearly 25 years but I want to divorce my husband. He has always been difficult to get along with, his sulking, or being argumentative. I used to adjust my own behaviour/responses to pacify him but I can’t be bothered now. The physical side of our marriage ended years ago.
He worked away a lot, for most of our DS’s childhood, actually. I was like a single parent but without the money worries. In hindsight, this is probably why we are approaching our 25th wedding anniversary – because I have done it all alone. I feel trapped with him and want to break free to do my own thing. Last year I found a moment to tell him that I thought things were over between us but he said he wanted to stay together, to retire together – I don’t understand this as having just spent 2-weeks together over Christmas we barely spoke apart from bickering (he also didn’t get me any presents either, he didn’t know what I wanted).
I fantasise about him leaving me. Even though that would leave me with a run down house and a large mortgage (two things he is always moaning about) I wouldn’t mind (we only got this house by me selling mine, he came to our marriage with nothing). A 50-50 split would leave me too short to get something on my own. I know I stay to keep a roof over my head. Does staying ever work out? Can you live/retire alongside someone as “flat-mates”?

Wgas

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. And no living/retiring with someone like this man as flatmates is not going to work either. The two of you seem to be in a destructive dance of codependency.

You and he should not be together end of. What does your I would think now adult son think of you two?. Bet he wonders often why you chose to stay with such a man like his dad and he would call you daft for staying as well.

I would not stay in a non marriage like this purely to keep a run down house over your head and for you to also potentially become his full time carer in his old age.

If you want to divorce your H then divorce him. You do not need his permission, you only have to give yourself that.

He won't leave you; he has it made with you and he knows you won't leave (for your own as well as the aforementioned financial reasons. As you have seen though these are no reasons to stay with him and staying as you have done has really been a mistake). Don't assume either it will be a 50/50 split; unless you have sought your own legal advice to boot this is mere supposition on your part. Knowledge is power here.

Can you relocate to a cheaper area?

Many couples are like you.
Simply can't afford to leave. If you split the house 50-50, then neither husband or wife could afford another house, or even a very shitty flat, so that children can continue going to the same school.

I know not what the answer is. But I know it's an issue for many.

I never thought I could afford to leave my ex. Two kids that weren't his and we were not married. However, he soon made the decision for me, by having an affair.

I moved out into rented and lived my life. Do it now while you are able. Get a 1 bed flat. What's the point in putting up with a miserable life with someone who just irritates you.

Do you work?
After 25 years marriage and having brought a substantial deposit to your home, surely there can’t be many years on the mortgage left?

You may have another 20 years of marriages, could you accept giving up your life in this way?

All responses gratefully received. And questions I need to ask myself.

DS away at Uni, no interest in returning home. But I can't help thinking I don't want him to have no where to call home. Have always felt I need to make things OK for him so I include his welfare in my future.

Hi OP. Just for context, my Dad developed dementia at a fairly early age and my Mum is now his carer. She has no life and he barely knows who she is and is very difficult to live with. Do you want something like this to happen to you? Sorry if that sounds harsh but old age brings with it potential illnesses etc.
You are assuming lots about the split of the house. I;m no expert but if you can prove your DH brought nothing to the house then I can't imagine it would automatically be a 50/50 split.
Do you think he would expect 50% of the house or would he be reasonable and accept that isn't fair?
Go and see a solicitor so at least you have some solid information to work with.
Personally I would be looking to split regardless as this is no life for you. You deserve some happiness and don't wake up one day thinking its too late.

As pp points out, if you stay living together, you may end up spending years caring for him.

If that's a future that fills you with horror, you need to make the jump.