Sexual Mistreatment?

[DustyVolunteer]

I've never had a long-term relationship before, or one as 'serious' as this. He's pretty much living with me, and my parents, after his own flat was wrecked in a flood and it's been hell to put right with the landlord.

We both have issues, at the opposite ends of the spectrum. I'm Asperger's (I need order, peace), he's ADHD (he loves noise, doesn't see mess). We've been trying really hard to understand each others needs without making either of us feel suppressed but it's very hard and I don't feel the balance is right.

My chap comes from a very rough, broken and abusive background that has left damage but, generally, he is loving and loyal. He's 25 and veers between a sensible, fantastic guy and an obnoxious overgrown teenager (whom I've come to hate). The trouble I'm focusing on today comes, I think, from him having had a succession of cheap relationships with women who didn't hold him to much account for his behaviour. He 'shows affection' by doing things like tweaking my nipples and, most obnoxiously, doing a Trump (grabbing me by the p.....). Every single time I ask him to stop, tell him I don't like it, but he keeps doing it and laughing it off. Genuinely, I don't believe it's done with malice, he thinks it's humerous affection, but he is being thick and selfish. I've come close to slapping him, when he laughs and doesn't listen, but I don't want to be that person.

It's starting to leave me feeling cheap, dirty and resentful. It's killing how I feel for him. I've told him plainly but he can't or won't take it seriously.

I don't want to walk away from him. There's an amazing guy in there, if he can only grow up a bit. Maybe I'm the wrong women, at the wrong time, and I need to let him go, but I'd been alone for so long before we met and I'm not strong enough to go back to that.

You and he should not be together at all. He is behaving abusively towards you. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Where did your romantic role models come from?.

Unfortunately, women (and sometimes men) with Asperger’s syndrome are not very good at making character judgments or identifying relationship predators. Women with Asperger’s syndrome often have low self-esteem, which can affect their choice of partner in a relationship. They can be the victim of various forms of abuse as indeed you are now.

You cannot stay with him out of the fear of being on your own. You were on your own prior to meeting him and you went from day to day. Abuse like this thrives on secrecy and this is hard to write about but you have done this. You have therefore taken a small but first important step here in getting this man out of your parents home and your life.

Where is your own support here?. What support are you currently receiving?.

I can see your perspective but I can only repeat I don't believe he does this because he takes satisfaction from upsetting me, I more believe it's because he has learned a really unhealthy way of expression emotions. His behaviour is more like a sexualised selfish child than a predator. I want him to learn healthier behaviour, and I know from other aspects of our relationship he can do it, he has changed for the better in a lot of ways from the semi-feral slobby tart he was when we met. He'd probably revert to that as soon as we split, but I can see him moving towards maturity if he stays on that path.

As for my role models, I have two calm, pleasant parents who've been together for 50 years and rarely bicker, let alone fight. Every member of my family has had stable, long-term apparently happy relationships. That's what I'd like for myself.

I am frightened of being on my own as I'd decided to finally go through with killing myself right at the point we met, and I decided to give getting to know him a chance and see what came of it. I have no support. I have a counsellor, a therapist and a social worker, none of whom have been much use in this situation. Trust me when I say I have tried extensively to find better support, and am still trying, but there's really not much of use round here that I can find.

It doesn't matter if he thinks it's funny or not, you've told him you don't like having your nipples and genitals mauled and he simply doesn't care. If that's not malicious then what is? I have aspergers too and in the past I have had trouble with knowing what my boundaries are and should be and it's lead to some very damaging events. Get rid of him ASAP, he'll never change.

It isn't up tp you to find the nice man inside. It's up to him to grow up. I'd immediately dump a man who did this to me when I've told him not to.
He'd get one chance and one cnace only then he'd be out.
he needs to learn he can't just grab women whenever he wants when you have specifically said you hate it.
That is sexual abuse whether or not he has ADHD, that is no excuse at all.
I would never allow a man to treat me like that, not ever.

You say you want to have a stable, calm relationship like your parents had - can you honestly see that happening with this man? Without him having some huge (and unlikely) personality change?
Do you have other people in your life like friends and family who could help with your depression if you ended your relationship?

Abuse is not about taking satisfaction from upsetting people, it's about feeling entitled to do to others whatever you wish regardless of their feelings.

Why are you positioning yourself as his relationship teacher and him as your rescuer?

Healthy relationships aren't about one person trying to craft the other into their ideal person or trying to rescue them.

I made the mistake of making allowances for xdh’s unpleasant and selfish habits for 18 years on the grounds he had a rough upbringing and just needed to be shown the error of his ways. Don’t waste any more of your happiness on this man, he’s had his chance. I can understand how rewarding it is to have responsibility for turning him round but there is only so much you can do. You deserve to concentrate on your own wellbeing for a bit.

We've been trying really hard to understand each others needs

Doesn't sound like he has.

There's an amazing guy in there

Really? You've asked him to stop doing these things and yet he continues to abuse you. I'm not seeing it.

Do you understand why changing someone isn’t going to work?

People turn up as a whole with all their quirks and baggage. How would you feel if he felt that you were too structured, too dismissive, too inhibited? If he felt you’d be so much better if you were just an extrovert who was totally free.

That’s not who you are. You naturally don’t operate in that way. You aren’t compatible with each other. That doesn’t have to mean end of your life scenario, it means end of this relationship.

He's not a project op! He is who he is and that's that. You shouldn't have to work on someone in order to make them an acceptable partner. The fact that you feel he needs to 'learn' how to be a decent person just highlights the incompatibility. You are not responsible for making him a better person.

You’ve told him to stop and he hasn’t. I don’t see what else you can do.

'I am frightened of being on my own as I'd decided to finally go through with killing myself right at the point we met, and I decided to give getting to know him a chance and see what came of it. I have no support. I have a counsellor, a therapist and a social worker, none of whom have been much use in this situation. Trust me when I say I have tried extensively to find better support, and am still trying, but there's really not much of use round here that I can find.'

I understand. I have bipolar and ADHD with autistic features. At one point I was under a psychiatric team who I found awful. I spoke to PALS and they said this team were notoriously nasty and I should change teams. Been with the new team over a year and had no real problems, they treat me well. So, perhaps you could change teams?

You could (if you haven't already) discuss with the therapist and counsellor your fears about being single etc. They should help you- if not then put in to change those, too.

What do the professionals say when you describe to them what's happening?

Is your boyfriend on any treatment for his ADHD? Meds didn't really help me when I tried them (wasn't diagnosed until I was 41) but I'd tried them with a private consultant and hadn't had the extra help they give people on the NHS to change their routine etc. Am going to give them another go.

Does he apologise immediately after you've told him the behaviour isn't ok?

I of all people understand that ADHD can effect people's behaviour, but you don't have to put up with this. At some point you have to draw the line. Hugs xxx

I repeat unfortunately, women (and sometimes men) with Asperger’s syndrome are not very good at making character judgments or identifying relationship predators. This man is a predator. Women with Asperger’s syndrome often have low self-esteem, which can affect their choice of partner in a relationship. They can be the victim of various forms of abuse as indeed you are now. You have been and remain vulnerable here to such approaches.

How did you and this man meet anyway? Online?. What do your parents think of him?.

Where did your romantic ideals or models come from; perhaps tv or soap operas in the main?. I would think that sadly you did not have many if any female friends when at school either and you have slipped through the cracks here.

Abuse is about having power and control over the other person, in this case you. He wants absolute over you and he uses your body to abuse you. You cannot act as a rescuer and or saviour in a relationship, neither approach works and doing either will further harm you. You have your parents support hopefully so you are not on your own here, enlist their help to get your abuser out of your lives. He is using them here too.

Do contact the NAS here; they can support you as well:-
www.autism.org.uk/about/benefits-care/community-care/adult-care.aspx

Women are not rehabilitation centres for broken men. It is not up to you to 'fix' this man, nor is it acceptable to excuse offensive/upsetting/abusive behaviour because of a bad history. You have told him you don't like it. He needs to stop. There is no further discussion to be had. If he continues, you kick him out.

My DH has Aspergers (autism now) and he's a great judge of character. It's like he has a sixth sense! Not everybody is the same just because they have autism.

Anyway OP, it doesn't matter whether you have autism or he has ADHD, he's sexually mistreating you'll, as you say in your title, you've asked him to stop and he hasn't. You can spend years trying to understand it from his point of view, even attempting to change him, but it's actually up to him.

Tell him not just to stop but he's crossed a line and that's it, if it happens just once, it's over.

It seems that you're thinking that this relationship is better then suicide abd that's a false equivalency. His behaviour is unacceptable. Your MH team isn't helping you. They are not actually linked.

Have you told your MH team that you're putting up with your crotch being grabbed against your will because you're afraid of what will happen if you end the relationship because you feel unsupported by them? It would be worth telling them, that bluntly, if you haven't already.

He's an adult. It's not your job to fix him. Especially if, as it seems, he doesn't want to be fixed.

He has shown you who he is OP - an abusive pussy grabber and nipple tweaker. He knows you don't like it, but he does it anyway. This is who he is.

Jeez, dump him

Sit him down and tell him that if he does it one more time then the relationship is over. If when he does it again - leave him.

OP it sounds as though you are vulnerable and you need more support. It sounds as though you come from a stable background with parents who will support you. Have you considered speaking to them about any of this? The sexual assault (that's what it is), the lack of a good support team, the suicidal feelings?

I think it's about time you explained it all to them and I think they would be shocked and try to do what they could to help you. You might be better off moving in with them for a while, getting away from this boyfriend who is regularly sexually assaulting you.

Your social worker, counsellor etc have probably told you to get out of the relationship because it's very unhealthy. He is only just beginning really. He is constantly assaulting you and his behaviour will get worse, not better.

I don't know where you are but perhaps you can try the NHS search facility here: www.nhs.uk/service-search/Autism-support-groups/LocationSearch/310 in order to find something local in your area. Perhaps speak to your GP who may be aware of local advocacy and support groups.

I understand that you feel bad about being alone, I understand that you feel unsupported and I understand that you really like this man. Unfortunately, he is not good for you. He is detrimental to your mental health and his behaviour is going to get worse.

Perhaps also try the National Autism Society Helpline
Monday-Thursday 10am-4pm and Friday 9am-3pm

Please reach out and get some support.

Sorry, didn't add the number:

National Autism Society Helpline: 0808 800 4104
Monday-Thursday 10am-4pm and Friday 9am-3pm

Stop trying to understand this dickhead and get rid. You'll feel worse about yourself if you stay with him. Face facts. . . He doesn't respect you.