Why is it so hard to stay mad at my husband?

[aurorae0222]

I’m 24, DH is 31. We have been dating for 4 years, married over a year and have a 9 month old daughter. We have a real good relationship normally, however, it’s been a bit tense since the baby.

I noticed that I cannot stay mad at him. Whenever we argue or he does something to upset me, I will be mad (depending on the problem, of course) but then I will almost instantly forgive him as opposed to someone else (like my older sister whom I haven’t talked to since October).

I am wondering if it’s just me or if it other husbands/wives are the same? I see my friends fight with their partners and some last days to a week; some break up even.

When we have a fight it can get intense but one of us calms down and apologizes and it’s alway me that calms down (not necessarily apologizing first lol). For example, last night we got into a fight before bed. I kicked him out of the bedroom. I feel guilty, then I miss him beside me. I end up covering him with a blanket and leaving our bedroom door unlocked (hoping he’d make his way back in of course).

Another example was when we had lunch with my dad and he basically ditched me to go fishing with friends because they got into an argument a few days earlier. Was worried and could understand if I knew but he didn’t return calls or texts the whole dayI was mad for 3 days and immediately felt guilty and made up with him.

My stepmother told me that I should not feel guilty for being upset and that it is okay to be upset. However, I just hate the feeling. I’ve also been told that if I feel guilty I am giving in and that is a bad thing because it is an enabler for him to get me upset and sets up the expectation that I will forgive him. Additionally, it makes me avoid conflict.

On the opposite side of the spectrum my friends say it’s normal and it’s deep rooted love.

I would like to hear some advice on how to not feel guilty for being angry at your significant other. Thanks

If you feel you need to 'get over' reasonable anger more quickly than you feel, because if you don't he will punish you by making you feel bad, or maybe because you find him feeling bad to be an unbearable feeling, that's not great.

May stem from the patterns you observes growing up. Did your mother feel it was her duty to put up with unreasonable behaviour from her partner?

I actually think it's quite healthy not to want to be fighting with your significant other. There will always be arguments, but why is it a bad thing that you're able to calm down and resolve things? You say you're not always the one apologising - if your DH is able to realise when he is in the wrong too, I really don't see the problem.

How does he react if you’re angry with him? To me this doesn’t sound healthy. A healthy way to resolve an argument is to discuss what happened and how you can both move forward. You feeling guilt and wanting to make up quickly with no talking about why you were angry in the first place seems to me you’re scared of him walking out/reliant on him.

I actually think it's quite healthy not to want to be fighting with your significant other. There will always be arguments, but why is it a bad thing that you're able to calm down and resolve things? You say you're not always the one apologising - if your DH is able to realise when he is in the wrong too, I really don't see the problem.

Agreed. As long as he's willing to accept he's in the wrong as well and apologise (and not use your good nature to walk all over you).

Much better than prolonged periods of radio silence and psychological warfare that we often read about in this section.

We do talk about it usually; after things settle down. He will apologize and we will talk about it. We haven’t had a chance to talk about it this am but we alway say sorry and we talk. Never thought about it but yes, I can see where it May appears as if I am scared of him walking out on me. At this stage, I will admit this is one of my fears. I’d be a single mother of a baby with no job and less than a year from finishing my degree without financial security. The thought is scary yes.

If you have a discussion about why you fell out and not just you giving in every time then that's fine. Better your baby grows up seeing their parents resolve their fallouts quickly as opposed to sulking and holding a grudge.

@BecauseReasons when my dad and SM fought, she too was quick to forgive. Perhaps it is a learned behaviour?

I don’t have a “mother”. Left/abandoned me when I was 2 months old.

I think if you’re talking about it afterwards it’s ok. And he apologises.

If it was you doing all the apologising whatever the disagreement was about then I’d worry a bit I think.

I think this is really good that he apologises and you move on, nothing worse than awkward silent treatment.

What do you argue about? If it’s the same things over and over, and he knows he can apologise and you forgive him each time but he doesn’t actually need to stop doing whatever it is, then no, it’s not good.