I ALWAYS mask my feelings - I need to stop

[CastawayMay]

Long story short : difficult childhood with ss involved and parents who outright told me to lie. Also I am a massive people pleaser. I ALWAYS mask my own feelings to make others feel better. Anxiety related self harming/hair pulling (hidden, been doing it 25 years and no one has ever mentioned it).
Even when asked directly about how I feel my throat closes up or i make a joke, my mind goes blank.
Im 43 and I really want to communicate SOMETHING about how I feel to someone. I mostly feel quite depressed, and anxious but you would be amazed to hear that irl. It would be completely out of the blue and i can see that it makes everything feel like a lie. How can I move forward and make any sort of authentic connection with anyone? Any advice welcomed.

I'd recommend a course of CBT. Ask your GP.

Counselling? The book from surviving to thriving is good.

I don't think CBT will help you here. If you can afford it, go and see a therapist that is experienced in trauma. And be prepared to be in it for the long haul. I would echo the book recommendation above. It's by Pete Walker.

I don't have the answer but I can sympathise, I'm exactly the same although I didn't have childhood trauma. I seem to be stuck in this role of "strong, well organised, practical person" who everyone else turns to. I feel under so much pressure from all angles and I literally can't tell anyone I'm struggling. Following this thread in the hope someone offers a solution. Hope things improve for you 💐

You aren’t alone. My parents didn’t “do” emotion and regarded any emotional sincerity with deep distaste. I still struggle to let people close 40 years later.

If someone asks me searching or personal questions, I am incapable of answering them honestly. I feel massively threatened and clam up or laugh them off.

Don’t be like me and just get by. It is horrendously hard but ask your GP or find a counsellor. x

My advice would be to start small. So next time someone says ‘how’re you?’ Say ‘ok, but yesterday I felt a bit worried about....’ So just mention a specific thing rather than telling your whole life story. If you go in too fast then you’ll just panic and clam up. Also, look up Brene Brown on vulnerability and shame. Showing your emotions is a vulnerable thing to do and some of her words may help. She does TED talks too if you’re more into videos.

I think youd need to be careful who you talk to about your feelings. Only to people you trust in appropriate environment. I had this and when drunk or feeling very anxious aaking me how are you ended up opening a flood gate then id feel shame and betrayal at discussing my vulnerability and people, understandably being like wooahbh TMI.
Most people do not actually want to know how you are. It's fine to say ok. Discuss your feelinga with people you trust and have that sort of relation with like a good friend or a therapist.

I have been there to some extent and it is joyous when you start speaking your truth.

Things / work that helped me:

Brene Brown - TED talks on shame & vulnerability. Her book Daring Greatly

Knowing your personality type - using the Big 5 - you are probably very high on the Agreeable factor and coming to terms with this is really really important. It has many benefits but you need to know the pitfalls. Google some ‘stuff’ about agreeableness / psychology and then do a proper personality test.

Sam Harris has a free book called ‘lying’ it’s INCREDIBLE for motivating you to start telling your truth. His podcasts are also good for this.

There is so much stuff but if you do these it will be a fantastic start

I would add that one of the goals should be to free yourself from the singular childhood baggage cause you feel you have. It may well be that your childhood didn’t allow you to express emotions but it will be much more complicated than that. Find out! Read read read and get to know yourself properly, warts and all

Cognitive hypnotherapy helped me to voice my feelings

I'm the same OP - also childhood issues and C-ptsd as a result. I agree that the Pete Walker book is really helpful.

I have been having counselling for a couple of years now and that's also really helped. I'm still a people pleaser though and struggle to stand up for myself (until I blow up, which isn't a brilliant way of dealing with things).

If you can I would recommend doing some therapy so you can learn to express your true feelings in a safe place. A good therapist should be able to support you to start voicing how you feel and then taking steps to be more expressive about your feelings in a way that takes it a little at a time.

You can access Compassion Focussed Therapy through IAPT on the NHS in some areas and I would seriously consider it. It sounds very much what you need. Good luck op.

You sound just like me op. I also had a horrible childhood and had to keep it secret. Like a previous poster I am agreeable as fuck until I just explode and have lost several friendships, family members and relationships this way as well as making things uncomfortable for people at work.
It’s horrible.
I also pull hair for hours.
I’m seeing a trauma therapist now which is helpful but currently have ptsd and not trusting me reactions to thingsz
Will watch your thread with interest.
Wishing you all the best.

Thank you for posting everyone. I'll look up the videos and books first and the compassion therapy sounds like a possibility too. @Coughy4u yes you're absolutely right about making sure I don't give TMI to random people!
Really appreciate all your posts.

I would recommend counselling too, and for me it has been long term work. Good luck, you can do it! We could all do with being more emotionally open so never think you're alone with this.