Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Not sure what I think.

6 replies

supermadre78 · 04/01/2020 23:37

Hi, a long story really. Been with partner for about 3 1/2 years, met his children after 1 year, his ex wife has a new partner who she is happy with. He lives about an hour away so we generally see each other at weekends or during the week and talk on the phone every/several times a day. I work full time and have two children and a busy life, he has 2 children (11 and 9). In the evening, I try to talk on the phone once I've made tea, got my children sorted etc. He only has his children every other weekend Saturday to Sunday and Wednesday evening (not overnight) and half the holidays. For a few months, he has been complaining to me that I was communicating less and moving away from him emotionally. The reality is that I'm exhausted and would like to sit down and breathe before picking up the phone in the evening and he phones me from the car on his way back from work and whenever he's at a loose end. I would prefer to speak once I've done everything and can actually concentrate on having a meaningful conversation and have told him that. Anyway, he took his children for one night to a hotel and didn't phone at all during that time which was fine except a massive double standard. His children also go to bed really early (6.30-7!!) However, his reason for not phoning was that he said that he was feeling guilty that he had left their mum (at least 5 years ago!!) and thought that his children would have had better life experiences and more things if he hadn't left although that didn't mean that he wished he hadn't left because he didn't love her or want to be with her (she has a boyfriend anyway!). He loves me, so he says, but he was feeling sad and not thinking of anything else at this time so he didn't phone me! His children know me and see me often. Sorry for the long post. Just would like to know thoughts from anybody! I suppose I feel that everything is on his terms.

OP posts:
YouNeedToCalmDown · 05/01/2020 04:31

I think what you're feeling is legitimate.
He is asking for something from you which he is not able to do himself, and it sounds as though he is doing very little to help make your life easier.

Toomanygerbils · 05/01/2020 04:44

So you are complaining if he calls you too much and if he doesn’t call you enough? Maybe he’s confused. He obviously feels he’s messed up one relationship already, maybe he’s worried about messing this one up too

GiveHerHellFromUs · 05/01/2020 05:14

I get it that he wanted a night where his sole focus was his children and that he got sad that their separation might have affected them in ways he's never considered before.

He hasn't done a very good job of explaining but his guilt was for leaving because of the impact he's had on them, because he misses the life he had.

He wouldn't have been able to verbalise that well at the time.

thickwoollytights · 05/01/2020 05:57

I think that he seems very self absorbed and needy

I wouldn't be interested in someone like this

supermadre78 · 05/01/2020 08:12

I wasn't worried about him not phoning. I just am fed up with the double standards of him expecting me to do something but not doing it himself. It's not the only example but I think I'm coming to the realisation that it's all been on his terms and that my feelings or my children's don't really come into it.

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 05/01/2020 08:35

@supermadre78 he should have apologised for not phoning if he has an issue when you don't.

If he's got form for things like this you're not wrong to be frustrated.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page