How did your children cope with divorce/seperation

[foggymummy]

I'm in the process of divorce (still living together but no communication.) Im worried about how my 4 year old is going to react and how to tell explain what's going on. He is a very sensitive soul, hes very close to me and I dont know how he will cope having weekends at his dads. How have your children adjusted? How do you explain it to a 4 year old (and should I be doing it now as I'm sure he knows something is up.) How do you decide on contact when we dont communicate at all? I dont fancy mediation, everything is through solicitors at the minute. Thanks x

I divorced in 2018 with a one year old and a six year old. I was so worried about how they would react but it was much better than I expected. As long as they know they have love and support from both parents, they will most likely be absolutely fine x

Thanks that's reassuring to know xx

I separated and also continued to live with for 3 months after my (now ex) husband.

My DC was 5 and the time. I didn't make a big deal of it, just kept talking about Mummy's home and then Daddy's home, how she'd have 2 bedrooms, 2 homes of her own filled with love.

Once I'd moved out, she asked lots of questions (mainly because ex was telling her it was my decision to leave), but lots of reassurance and I just told her some parents love each other but not enough to live with.

It has been a much smoother process than I thought.
Good luck, children are very adaptable x

My son was 5 when I got divorced from my abusive husband and it affected him very deeply. He went on to have a breakdown when he was older. he still gets angry about it and he almost 40. I let him talk about it even now because we are very close and I am the only person who understands the situation.
His father took the divorce badly and was incredibly nasty, in and out of courts, social workers involved and eventually the court stopped contact which was the best thing for my son.
Don't underestimate their feelings, they can hide under the surface.
Both of you not talking is causing your son trauma and unless there is violence involved you both need to sort this out for your son's sake. They can cope with the process if their parents are being civilised but when that doesn't happen it causes huge problems and the child doesn't know who to be loyal to as he will be seeking approval from both parents.
i did my best to be civil to my ex despite the violence and abuse but he wasn't having any of it and did huge damage to DS.

Mine was about 10 yrs ago and my dc were 2 and 6, they were both fine and seem to have suffered no ill effects.

But both me and my ex were v civilised in front of the dc, neither one of us has ever used the dc against one another, and we agree and put on a united front whenever dealing with them. I think that's the key.

My DD was 7 when exDH and I split 15 months ago. We remained amicable for DD at all times. She was devastated for the first few months but gradually got used to it. She settled once we got our separate living accommodation fixed. She is totally fine about it now, sees loads of her Dad and loves having double Xmas!

Split up 3. 5 years ago, when DCs were 4 & 6. ExH stayed in house with us under very distressing conditions and no communication. Despite counselling, mediation and family talks, he was determined to make it acrimonious and told kids I'd ended our marriage. I kept a calm head through it all and had lots of talks with DCs. We read lots of books about divorce, different family models etc. Older, more sensitive one took it badly and struggled for the first year. With time, tons of support and an even stronger connection, we rode through the waves and they're both absolutely fine. We still talk a lot and over time, their relationship with their dad has become better as he's been forced to spend more time with them as a result of shared care. I still have very little contact/relationship with him (thanks to a very clear and detailed court order) and DCs often say that he hates me but that I love him (as their dad, but not as a husband). Have had to work hard to get them to see that the marriage ended because of me and their dad, and they are not to blame. We still talk about their life as children growing up with two families and we are a happy family. He also seems much happier nowadays, so all in all, I'm so glad I made the decision when I did and I am much more happily divorced, than I was ever happily married. I'm living and loving my best days, and as much as I love being with DCs, I also look forward to and cherish my child-free days. My "me times" make me a much better and happier mum/sister/aunty/friend and a more successful entrepreneur. My DCs love their time with their dad and I'm so happy that I didn't let them grow up seeing the relationship I had my their dad as right. We're their main role models and despite everything we teach our children, I believe they're more likely to replicate what we show them about relationships and to tolerate what we tolerate. In the long run, your dc will be fine, as will you and his dad. Take patience, grace and integrity with you all the way. Good luck!

Thanks for your replies. Sounds like a mixed bag but overall positive. I agree the key is a united front and remaining amicable. This is tricky not on my behalf but on his. I ended the relationship (I had no choice he is a very hard man to live with) and he fully blames me for everything and hates me. He will not engage unless directly about our son and even then it's very basic. We dont argue in front of him and have been civil over christmas etc but yes I agree us not talking/showing love is damaging, theres just not much I can do about it until we move out. I'm unsure whether to try and explain things now or if to wait until we know the living arrangements. I'm just very aware and scared about whats to come and I'm terrified of messing it up. I just pray in the long run we will.be happier.

So far badly , very badly ! But it’s been a week . Ex was abusive and also to elder son (but elder son doesn’t realise that yet )
It’s been very hard and I am relieved school starts tomorrow ! I don’t say that to scare but I really underestimated their trauma