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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why did my fiancé lie?

17 replies

OlderSprinkles · 04/01/2020 14:51

I've been in a relationship for four years. We're engaged and live together. My fiancé is my first and only relationship and he told me that I was also his. Recently I discovered that this wasn't true and he in fact used to date someone else when he was at university in 2014. The relationship lasted for 9 months and ended the year before we got together. I found a picture of them, gigs that they went to and messages he sent. There was also public things on his social media. He told this girl that he loved her, took her to places that he's never taken me and also called her by the pet name he now uses on me. People who we mutually know also knew about it. I confronted him about all of this and he told me that he never loved her, she was a user and it was never a proper relationship. I understand and accept all of that to a degree and even the fact that he hid it from me, especially if it was meaningless, but what I can't get past is the fact he has told someone else that he loves them. When we first got together and he first said I love you, he said "you're the first person I've ever said that to". Now I know that's not true a part of me is really hurt. Particularly the fact that he even called her by the same pet name that he calls me. I accept that people have a past and I don't have a problem with that but for someone to say that they've never had a relationship before, whether it be a good or bad one when in actual fact they have and they've said the same things to them that they now say to you, is the part that I can't process. I love my fiancé with all of me and I truly believe he loves me but I just can't fully understand his behaviour. Any thoughts would be appreciated, thank you.

OP posts:
Rollonspringtime2020 · 04/01/2020 14:53

Doesn't bode well imo. I would now find myself forever doubting his words.

HoopDeDoop · 04/01/2020 14:54

How did you find the picture, the gigs they went to, the messages they sent and their social media posts about each other?

Potentially that is relevant to the reasons he didn't share his past with you.

Sally2791 · 04/01/2020 14:58

He’s lied about something that there was no need to, and must have been aware that mutual friends knew. Was he perhaps mirroring you in not having a previous relationship? Doesn’t look good.

pooopypants · 04/01/2020 15:01

If he lied about something so fundamental, what else has he lied about?

Kerning · 04/01/2020 15:10

There was no need to lie about this and yet he did. Using the same pet name is weird. Not good.

khaleesiofthegreatgrasssea · 04/01/2020 15:28

I agree with @Rollonspringtime2020, I would be questioning everything he said from now on! There was just no need to lie about it but he did to make himself sound better/more appealing to you. It suggests that he will say anything he thinks you want to hear.

Chamomileteaplease · 04/01/2020 15:30

What is his reason for lying to you? Has he said? Very weird.

What about his friends, did the previous girlfriend's name never come up in conversation?

I don't blame you for feeling like your world has been knocked. Very worrying behaviour from him.

Bluntness100 · 04/01/2020 15:30

Very odd, I'd be very worried he slagged her off and called her a user too. On top of his other blatant lies.

Got youtself a right little prince amongst men there op.

Pinkbonbon · 04/01/2020 15:36

Feck that. Definitely worrying that he called her a user ect... and uses the same pet name for you.

Are there any other behaviors from him that have made you question things?

Any signs that he might be a narcissist or similar? (you know, besides those two things already...and the lying)

NomDeQwerty · 04/01/2020 15:38

Nope. He's not a keeper. Liars like him don't make good husbands.

travellover · 04/01/2020 15:39

The only reason I can think for him lying is to make it seem like you were his 'first relationship' too so you felt special - but it's weird imo I don't see the point as it makes no difference!

lizzzyyliveson · 04/01/2020 15:43

He didn't mention it because to him it is all the same relationship. He has slotted you into the girlfriend position. In years to come he will reminisce with you about the time you both went to that concert and he wont understand why you don't remember it fondly. Take care.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 04/01/2020 15:46

He'll say it's because he didn't want you to be worried or jealous but really it's because he's a lying prick.

I don't think it's worth getting upset about 4 years later though.

IncrediblySadToo · 04/01/2020 15:52

You need to leave him. As difficult as this might be now, it will only get more difficult as time passes. He’s told you significant lies to please you, untruthful people pleasers make VERY bad life partners.

Plus men who deny previous partners, then call them insignificant & users will not treat YOU well.

Although it sounds a bit childish (sorry, but it does) it show you hus character and it’s not good.

It doesn’t matter that he’s had a previous Gf and it doesn’t matter that he’s told her he lived her..it realky doesn’t, but it matters a lot that he lied to you about it.

Do yourself a massive favour and separate from him now - be sure to tell him
It was the LYING, not the existence of an Ex that made you make that decision.

If you’re worried about telling friends/family, don’t be. If you don’t want to tell them the truth, just say you wanted different things out of life 🤷🏻‍♀️

Pinkbonbon · 04/01/2020 15:56

I think its worse that he's been lying about it for years surely? I mean at any point he could have said 'sorry i actually did date someone before you I don't know why i didn't tell you'. Now however, you know he can keep a 9 month relationship a secret. So wtf else has he been hiding?

Christmastreedown · 04/01/2020 15:57

May be he thinks you are the real love? I loved by bf when i was a teenager but I wasn't in love thinking back.

Elieza · 04/01/2020 16:14

Why did you snoop?
There’s more to this than meets the eye. You distrusted him. Why? What else happened that you’ve not told us?

Perhaps he just didn’t want you to know about stuff from his past as you may be upset by it if you are overly sensitive. He may have meant youre the first love he really has felt true love for, as that other burd was not the one.

Or perhaps you are a psycho-hose-beast (to quote Wayne’s World) and he doesn’t want you poking your nose into his past as you fixate on things and don’t let them go? No offence OP I don’t know what you are like! I’m just asking.

If his nickname is something lots of people call their significant other then it’s fine. Pet, babe, my love, missus, snookums, honey etc. All normal stuff. If a little boak making!! However if it’s something a bit personal and usual then that’s a bit weird. To know his ex was Mrs FannyByGaslight and that’s what he calls you would be bizarre.

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