What counts as an emotional affair?

[hopingforbettertimes]

My partner left me in June. Prior to that he had gone quiet on me for a couple of months. He was spending a lot of time with a local outdoor activities group and I noticed within the group was a young lady. Not sure why but I got a funny feeling about her (never met her) so I did ask my partner a couple of times if he had met someone else - he said no. There were other things going on at this point but I won’t go into them as it would be a long, long story.

Anyway he left me saying he didn’t love me anymore, I wasn’t the type of person he wanted to be with, that he had tried to make it work but couldn’t (we had been together 10 years and I had not been aware he had been ‘trying’). He later changed this to saying that he our whole relationship was wrong, and we should have split up years ago.

I was bracing myself for him and this other girl becoming a couple. Again, no hard evidence just my ‘spidey senses’ and a couple of things he said/did.

Lo and behold in November I find out he is seeing the girl. He says it has just started and he wouldn’t have left me for someone else.

Roll on December and he has obviously spent Xmas with her family and she has been at his family’s annual NY party - so things are obviously pretty serious.

I know they were hanging out before and after we split. They both have a lot in common - very sporty etc.

When I found out they were together in November I sent my ex a stinker of a message saying it was pretty obvious that this girl has had something to do with our break up but he was just too cowardly to admit it/doesn’t want to be seen to be the bad guy. Since then I haven’t contacted him.

However am I possibly over reacting?

If he was having thoughts that he he was unhappy with me. Then this girl came along and they hit it off as friends and it was either totally innocent or he started to develop feelings for her but nothing physical happened until after we split. Is this bad of him?

Obviously there is the option there was something physical between them before we split but I really don’t believe it would have.

I am obviously angry that he didn’t discuss being unhappy with me, he just kept it to himself and then decided to pack his bags. So there was no way he was prepared to stay and work at it. Obviously really hurt he is now saying the whole relationship was wrong- makes me feel used and worthless.

I am just not sure I have the right to be fucked off and accusing him of leaving me for someone else/having an emotional affair. People can’t help their feelings right?

Also I will be seeing his parents soon. Would it be really bad of me to tell them of my thoughts about this? - they will see I am upset.

Probably was having an emotional affair, or even a full on one, and I think he was a shit to do this to you after such a long time together.

It must be incredibly hard to move on after such a long relationship, especially as you weren't aware there were problems, but you need to stop being involved in his life, and maybe even his parents. It's difficult I know but you will never get answers from him and he will never be truthful. Nothing to do except accept the breakup

What would you have liked him to have done differently?

It's entirely possible that in meeting her he developed feelings and started to see gaps in your relationship, he then did the cowardly thing of trying to make it work without actually communicating with you. So he may have had the intention to fix it, but not the mental maturity to do it properly.

It's shitty that this has happened but although she may be the catalyst of the breakup, she may be a completely innocent party in it all.

I wouldnt say anything to his parents, you'll come across as bitter and they're his parents, so are more likely to support him.

However it's equally possible they did have an affair, emotional or physical. He's denying it, and unless he had form for lying, I'd believe him.

An emotional affair to answer your subject question to me is the same as physical in the sense its a secret, but rather than them being together, they're telling eachother how they feel about eachother and giving each their head space that they shouldn't be.

I think mentioning to his parents would just make them feel uncomfortable. In the end it doesn't matter whether or not they had emotional affair. He ended the relationship with you and you need to move on for your own sanity.

Just wonder why are you meeting his parents?? They will already know the truth anyway so I wouldn’t bother telling them.

He has followed the cheater's script pretty closely so I reckon an EA is very likely.

Is there a way for you to be less involved in his life? It’s bad enough having a broken heart and feeling so angry without seeing his new life played out in front of you, and still being on touch with his parents.

It’s likely that you will never ever know the “ truth” of the progression of their relationship. Many people can’t even admit the truth to themselves , let alone admit it to an angry person they have treated shabbily.

Not every relationship’s end - start of another has to be a cheater’s script.
People aren’t meant to be imprisoned for life in a relationship. With time they can become unhappy and decide to move on.

Sorry for the pain OP - hope you manage to move on and meet someone new too

My ex started prioritising his female friend over me after I'd just had his baby. He would take her out baby shopping and leave me at home with the baby. He would be very playful towards her, rest his head on her boobs. Awkward silences when he would see her to the door - you could feel it in the air. He basically treated her as a priority over myself and his daughter, but I don't think they'd kissed or anything, just a buzz in the air between then. They became official 4 months after I left.