Childhood abuser ill, don't know how to feel. A listening ear would be good.

[Cowardice]

Sorry, me name changing again. Sorry for the serious post at this hour of the morning, but I am in turmoil.

A family member abused my sister and I from childhood and I hve had counselling to come to terms with it but I stopped going when the counsellor pushed me to prosecute him.

It's hard to explain how I feel. I love him as he is a family member but I hate him for what he has done to us.

Today he is facing a life changing operation and he could die. I don't know how I feel. I have been up all night just thinking and talking to my sister. She is in bits. She feels the same as me.

I know through the counselling that feelings like mine towards an abuser is quite normal, and I don't feel guilty for still loving him, just strange.

Dh knows all about it but he just doesn't get me. He can't understand why I feel upset about him maybe dying, so I don't really have anyone to talk to.

Children are fighting and I am ready to blow a gasket!

I don't want any condemnation like the last time I said I love and hated my abuser, I know what I mean and why I feel like it. It's very hard trying to justify it to myself without trying to explain to others.

My sister feels the exact same so I have someone to talk to honestly about how I feel.

Is there anyone who has been abused in childhood who feels hate/pity and lots of other unexplainable feelings? Can you talk to me?

do you think it might be useful to start some counselling again? a diff one if you dont feel comfortable with the last one (who pushed the prosecution).
it does sound like you still have a lot to say and work out for yourself.

it also sounds to me, like its perfectly natural and ok to love the good father and hate the mistakes he made.

who the hell is anyone to judge how you feel?

i hope you find some peace, and are able to stop tying yoursefl up in knots overe this... you sound very brave and wise and loving and caring to have come through what you did and be saying and feeling the things you do. v balanced... and i think its worth patting yourself on the back for that. and also feeling good that, no matter what happened, those good parts of you havnt been stamped out. does that make sense?

Of course its okay to still love an abuser, especially if the abuser is a parent, but you must must understand that the reason you still love them is because you are a good person, and you still have the hope that a child has, NOT because they have anything inside them that is worth hoping for. If its a parent, we always hope that theyll love and accept us, so we put the abuse aside, and brush it under the carpet, because well do anything to be loved. Thats biology.

But I believe that love, real love is not something that you feel. Its the way that you treat someone, so that means with respect and you donT break their trust. THAT is what real love is, and your abuser didnT love you because he/she isnt capable. So even though you love this person, try not to confuse obligation and pity or need for acceptance for love. Also, many abusers are <span class="italic">really</span> <span class="italic">good</span> at guilt-tripping others and getting others to feel sorry for them. This is because they know other people are human beings, mostly good human beings and they take advantage of other peoples good hearts.

Finally, I think that we canT really and truly love anyone until we love ourselves. Its a cliche, I know, but its so true. YouRe on mumsnet, so I take it you have a child. All the energy you are putting into worrying about your abuser and reliving the rights and wrongs of the abuse and thinking "it wasnt as bad as all that". All of this is energy and love that you are taking away from yourself and your own child. What I mean by love yourself is that you put you and your child first above <span class="italic">anything</span> else. <span class="italic">Anything</span> that is at cross purposes with you and your childs happiness should be eliminated. I donT mean that you become selfish, but that you expect others to treat you how you would treat them, and you demand self-respect. So I suppose what I am trying to say is that even though I can understand completely why you love your abuser, Im saying that I think that person really doesnT deserve it. Also I think its so so horrible to realise that our parent didnt actually love us (because they wouldnt have abused if they did), that its better to imagine that they are basically okay and they did love us, but they just had a flaw in their character. So we keep loving them even when were an adult because we simply cannot fathom the idea that we werent loved in the way that we were supposed to be loved. I think that when we go through the horrific process of accepting that we werenT loved by the abusing parent, then we can stop loving them. And I think this is the way it should be. But I know that it is so difficult that it is probably much easier (and sometimes the best thing) to just keep imagining the good in the person and imagining that they loved us.

Cowardice, don't feel guilty. You were a little girl who needed to be loved by your dad. It sounds to me like your father has been keeping you as his little girl in some ways. And how can you feel guilty for not wanting to hurt your mum or him by prosecuting? That makes you a good person.

Cowardice I have been unable to get online all day but I have been thinking of you, I hope you have got through the day ok.

The abuse I suffered was by someone in the grip of cocaine addiction, and while I don't think you can justify it in anyway, I can recognise that he only what ht did because of the drugs. For me it was quite important to differentiate between "justifying" and "explaining", if you see what I mean?

You used the word justify in your op as well, would you think I was being terribly daft if I said I thought it was an unhelpful sort of word? To me it just seems to put pressure on one almost to explain away what's happened, rather than just explain, if that makes sense? I'm sorry if that seems utterly unhelpful, but for me it was like a flash of light when I realised that there was a world of difference between explaining and excusing.

Also I wanted to say that I suffer from odd guilt I can't really explain. I think for me some of it is definitely related to the deception that goes on around something like this. As in your situation I haven't ever brought the matter up because of the damage it will cause. I know it's easy for me to say, and that won't make things ok for you, but imo you don't need to feel guilty that you haven't held him to account because I think you're most likely right, he probably did have it on his conscience all these years. I feel like I recognise bits of what you're saying, and I think that the very existence of the nice, caring things that happen during/after abuse shows a basic level of remorse, for me it's sort of like, why bother being nice after something like that if you don't care in the slighest?

What a ramble! I hope it makes some sense to you , as you can probably tell I am not very good at expressing my thoughts/opinions on this subject. I probably should have been in bed hours ago but this thread has been on my mind all day anf I wanted to see if you were ok and let you know I was thinking of you at a sad & difficult time.

We have talked on a similar thread in the past... I have a relatively good relationship with my abuser - like yours, he'll pat my back or give a hug when he leaves. It makes me cringe.

I don't hate him. When I think about what he did to me, I feel sick. I hate what he did. And that he did it. And part of me hates that it has never ever been acknowledged that it happened but I am not sure I even want that. I wouldn't say I like him but there is a side to him that isn't so bad. In fact, we get on quite well, for the most part.

It's hard to get through difficult situations when you have such conflicting emotions. There is the how you feel, how you should feel, how others expect you to feel etc. When my abuser had heart surgery a few years ago, I had very mixed feelings about it. I wanted him to be ok. Yet part of me wondered what would happen if things didn't go well...

Anyway, this isn't meant to be about me - I just wanted to let you know that I understand your situation and that you have my sympathy. I do hope everything went well today. Please pop back and let us know.

Thankyou everyone.

It went well yesterday. I have just called the hospital & they said he is off the critical list & is going to the intensive care unit today.

I don't think I will visit him, but I did feel relief when the staff said he was ok had doing well.

I'm not so sure about returning to counselling. I am in a different place in my life now than I was then. Then I was a snivelling fool, devastated & betrayed. Now I am a much stronger woman. Probably largely due to the counselling and the face that I have now grabbed myself a bit of a life and stopped living in the past.

Yes, I have children. And it was when my own dd was born I broke down. Devastated doesn't even begin to cover what I felt, neither does pure hatred and the amount of hours I spent praying for him to meet a nasty end pales me.

I am a better person for the counselling, I am a good person despite what he did to me, but I will live with what he did to us for the rest of my life, I have no choice.

Thanks for the words ladies, yesterday I didn't know how I would get through the day, but checking on here and readind MN kept me sane.

I am glad that things are a bit better today for you. From the messages you have posted on this thread I think you're incredibly brave and coping really well. Wishing you all the best x

Cowardice, I was thinking a lot about you yesterday and today. I am glad to hear you feel better.

Thankyou ladies, it's nice to know some people try to understand a very complicated situation. Thanks.