Heads about to explode while my relationship crumbles.

[Puxxled]

1st time post so hello and thank you for clicking or tapping on this thread, I urgently need a human to help me get me head together.

In short, 14 year relationship about to end, not due to unfaithfulness as both of us have been monogamous but rather because of stupid little things that create bitter resentment. I try for my part to not sweat the small stuff but I just feel so angry and hurt that nothing I do seems good enough or is overlooked.

I feel like I have more of a "feel good" relationship with my colleagues at work as positive efforts tend to get remarked on accordingly but not at home.

I've put so much of my time, life, money and effort into this relationship but feel like it's one sided.

I've dreamed of a single, incomplicated life but have not got the heart or the guts to make the jump. I look at my partner and thoughts of loving but not being in love flood my brain. Thoughts of duty, nostalgia and remembering things we've been through leave me conflicted.

We have 2 beautiful children together, both still in primary school. They are my greatest joys in life and mundane things like the sound of them breathing when asleep, or running them to school of a morning before work, of just being there always with them makes the tough times with my partner bearable. They are so sweet, naive, trusting, intelligent and kind and I know a shift in relationship will affect them profoundly. Our youngest is autistic and had some needs so we manage this between us.

I know people should not stay together for the sake of the kids but it feels, in truth, that this is what it's like for the last few years.

My partner and I have a sex life {if once or twice a month counts} but its perfunctory and feels more like we are satisfying each others urges instead of making love.

Both of us are mid 30s, in fair health and unmarried, we have strong family networks and while not being rich, are not facing real financial hardship either.

I feel guilt in part writing this as it feels raw, personal and like a betrayal of trusy but I also feel resentment most of the time and I just can't bring myself to strike up a conversation, after work I'll just speak to the kids and watch TV while they are in bed. My partner and I even sleep in separate rooms.

I don't feel like this is my home, I feel like I just stay here to help the person I had children with look after them. I'm tired of feeling angry, bitter, unappreciated, unloved, unvalidated and I don't see how this will change without leaving. Any 'reconciliation' never lasts and we quickly fall back into old ways.

I apologise for this disjointed wall of text on my first go around. I am aware it may read as though I'm needy but I need to hear it if so.

Help!

Puxxled

It sounds like you are done with your relationship.

Have you spoken to your Partner about how you are feeling?

You might find counselling useful in helping you go forward with whatever you decide to do.

I'm sorry to hear how joyless life is for you. You say you're feeling "angry, bitter, unappreciated, unloved, unvalidated" - going through life like that is unsustainable, so something has got to change.

With children involved you don't want to make a rash decision. But it damages children to be in a home with miserable parents, and unless you act the misery is only likely to increase.

I would suggest that you gave a serious talk with your partner and try couples counselling. Give it your best shot to try to mend the relationship. But please don't waste your life in unhappiness.

How does your partner make you feel so unloved?

All, thanks for coming back and leaving a response so soon. Another horrible night with not much sleep.

I have been reading through a load of posts here and feel disheartened to see a lot of people going through similar.

I've always thought we'd be together longer than we have, we've watched other couples form and breakup but have always been there for each other for everything. The one person I thought would always have my back feels like they have put a knife in it.

Her father has a mental illness and used to beat up his wife while drunk when he was married to her. He used to control her and as they lived semi rural, do things like hide car keys or put a piece of tape over the end of the telephone connection so she could never understand why it didn't work and she could speak to someone. Her mum is safe and happily remarried, a lovely person but my partners older sister can't seem to hold down a relationship herself long term with 2 kids to different dads. The sister is the type of person who'd cry for help and attention, calling others allsorts for the very rhibgs she'd do herself. I can't help but wonder if these traits or outlooks on life are inherited as my partner and sister are close?

How do I come to terms with this massive sense of injustice, and in feeling hard done by? It's like they can flick a switch and turn off their emotions but I can't. I feel everything so raw and unfiltered.

How do I come to terms with this massive sense of injustice, and in feeling hard done by?

Injustice about what? What has happened that you feel you’ve been stabbed in the back?

You are obviously unhappy but it isn’t clear from you posts about what and if your partner is the source.

It's also not clear whether you've had a serious talk with your partner about how you're feeling. Not saying that they aren't aware but maybe they're not and if you just turned round this week and said "right I've had enough of feeling this way, I'm leaving" it would come as a total shock?

and while not being rich, are not facing real financial hardship either. ... not yet !!!!!!. .

You say you're helping dissatisfied and as if you're going through the motions, but you've not really explained how your partners behaviour is contributing to this. Yet, you talk about her parents history and how you think she may have inherited traits - what traits are these? Much of what you've described sounds fairly typical of how relationships can go stale when you're both working hard and have young children. It feels thats you're holding your partner responsible for how you're feeling. Have you considered your own behaviour and asked her what she would like you to do differently?

*should read 'feeling dissatisfied'

Who is she ?

Sorry, I'm not making terrible sense. I just can't seem to put my thoughts in order.

We have just bought a house, I've spent so long and so much money doing it up and making it a home for our family but it's like now that my partner has got this they don't see the need for keeping up with appearances as they are now set. My partners become cold, distant, judgemental, holier than thou and refuses to take any responsibility for their part in recent bustbups but just seems to continue to push buttons.

My anger and feelings of injustice is to how they can just turn on me and switch off of a relationship so easily. I feel emotionally and financially robbed.

My partners dad came to stay over Christmas, has been here 2 weeks from France, doesn't speak a word of English and I don't speak French and didn't bring any money with him except for 15 euros and about 300 cigarettes.

He is a walking zombie and a shell of a man but my partner idolises him and refuses to see the burden he his. I only agreed we'd have him again because the sister was in tears saying she couldn't have in in hers because she is in a new relationship and needed time for that.

In an effort to please I took on the annual burden again and he's disrespectful to my home as he walks over brand new carpet with his shoes on as he is in and out of the garden smoking, he stinks of smoke and I constantly have to tell him the children don't like the smell and to just wash his hands and wait until then smell eases off from his clothing. He always neglects or forget so I have to keep going on
He is such a financial drain too and never gives anything back, he comes over with no money, expects to be put up, fed (including restaurants) and of he runs out of the cigarettes then have more bought for him. Its no different when we visit him and we have to pay for any food we eat etc. We've also had to pay for his train fair home, he is leaving today but the damage has been done.

I called him (as best I could as I don't speak French) on his bullshit on NYE and it's blew up in my face. My partner has been cold, spiteful and distanct even more since while refusing to see his faults but happily over inflating mine. In this I am so angry and this anger is shutting me down. I am so confused as to if my anger is even rational? That's how messed up my head is.

I want a future with my partner but this is the latest thing in a long and growing list I'm just expected to swallow and get on with. I've feel like I've had the rug pulled from under me and while I've seen warning signs, it still hurts

tired of feeling angry, bitter, unappreciated, unloved, unvalidated and I don't see how this will change without leaving

I think it would be good to have solo counselling as you sound depressed and your partner might not be the cause of your unhappiness. Feelings of being unloved and invalidated can be an internal dynamic. You mention sleeping separately (but still have a sex life?) , how has this come about?

A useful way to reframe your emotions is

"I am feeling angry and bitter because I need....."

What is it that you need? If you can't articulate what you need and ask for it, then it is really unlikely that you will be happy separated as those feelings won't just go away.

It is pretty horrible to feel as you do but as they say "happiness is an inside job". Too often people walk from a relationship whilst it is in a rut or they are going through a life transition and then realise that they had inner work to do.

Thank you all so much for your time in replying and bearing with my waffle. I'm finding it difficult to frame my concerns in a more reader friendly way so thank you again for this.

I've been reading a lot on depression and agree that I have work to do on me. I'm terrified of being seen as being manipulative or abuse by my partner and read up on these modifying my behaviour but unfortunately I can see characteristics of emotional abuse in how I sometimes act. But also in how I am treated. How the hell is one to express themselves without being pigeon holed as an abuser or a gas lighter!? Then calm chats always escalate and end in frustration for both, we've tried counselling but I've been told I was charming the councillor and my partner withdrew.

I'm quite open and chatty but I have few deep and meaningful relationships. Certainly no one I'd call a best friend.

We have big families and I much prefer family activities. Is this part of the problem?

I'm not perfect, I'm a flawed human but so is everyone else. I read elsewhere that everyones life is a tragedy and feel guilty that on paper, its good and that we hace food, clothing, warmth, families etc
.
So how the hell is happiness and effective communication so hard?

I echo previous posters who have suggested you consider talking to a therapist (solo). It sounds like a complicated situation wrapped up in a lot of emotion and talking to someone independent can give you the space to work out what the real crux of your unhappiness is. Once you've unravelled that you may find you're clearer on what you want and need going forward. It's not a fix by any stretch but it can really help.

Go to counselling. A very good one. It's impossible to tell from your posts whether your partner is unreasonable or you are (sorry). It could be that her Dad comes just once a year and therefore she puts up with him for that brief time, and she feels sorry for him, and doesn't mind paying for things when he has no money. It sounds like she hasn't seen through him yet - it's difficult to do with your own parents, especially if her parents both minimised abuse when she was growing up. We all like to see the best in our parents, and it's hard to get a unbiased picture of them as people.

The thing is, children who have grown up in an abusive home often become abused themselves or become abusive.

You haven't explained what your partner does to make you feel so unloved. Where everything else is ok I wouldn't have kicked off about my partner's father, but if it's the straw that broke the camel's back I might have.

Do you often have rows? Are you fussy about the house being just so? Who is the main caregiver for the children? Who is the main breadwinner? Are you financially secure enough that buying cigarettes for an old man and taking him out for meals doesn't really make a difference to you?

Do you expect that your partner is lovely to you when you get home from work because you work hard all day to provide for everyone and they are a SAHP?

Your situation resembles mine. I’ve been married nearly 15 years and been together 20 years and I also feel unloved worthless alone depressed in my Marridge. Don’t get me wrong I absolutely adore my wife and would do anything for her BUT the coldness and rejection I constantly get although she says she loves me and want the Marridge to work is really killing me. I’m not sleeping I’m not happy I’m always upset(the wife doesn’t see it though as I hide it) I’ve told her I’m so alone in this relationship. We made love once in 2019 and about twice in 2018 and I’ve never strayed I want this to work but how much am I supposed to take before I break physically and mentally???

You mentioned that her father was abusive growing up and it seems your partner is still living in the Fear, Obligation & Guilt.
If that is the case she will react poorly to you blowing up at her dad.

I think solo counselling is needed so that you can unpack what is going on for you.