Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Telling exH that I'm (getting) engaged

19 replies

FireAndRain · 03/01/2020 23:01

Hi, haven't posted in a long time but I'd like to ask some advice! My BF of 3 years and I have talked seriously about getting engaged in the next few months, we've looked at rings etc and I'm over the moon about it all, but I'm not sure when/how to tell my exH about it. My ex and I have children together, get on well enough, he's met my partner a few times, likes that out kids really like him etc so i will definitely be letting him know about the engagement but I can't decide how's best to do it. I don't think it's right that he hears it from the kids, so I want to be the one to tell him, but do I give him a heads up that it's coming, or just send a simple message once it's "official" and we're telling the kids?
Help! Thanks Smile

OP posts:
MrsPerfect12 · 03/01/2020 23:50

Once it happens not before. You're either engaged or not 🤷🏻‍♀️

PlanDeRaccordement · 03/01/2020 23:57

Don’t count your chickens before the eggs have hatched.

On a side note, how do you prediscuss and plan asking someone to marry you without asking them if they’d like to marry you? I do not understand the youth of today.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 04/01/2020 00:03

On a side note, how do you prediscuss and plan asking someone to marry you without asking them if they’d like to marry you? I do not understand the youth of today.

I got engaged over 20 years ago (so probably don’t count as “youth” any more Sad) and we discussed it first. You see I’m not some simpering heroine of a Mills and Boon novel but an equal partner in our adult relationship and so the two of us had discussed a lot how we saw our future (together), how important we felt marriage was (very), what we wanted to do about children (have them but not straight away), when we felt a good time to get married was (the following summer) and so when a good time to get engaged was (well - I guess about now then).

We then went off, found a picturesque spot and did the whole thing very romantically with the whole one knee thing (I think he may have even used my full name to really mark the occasion!)

Original poster
FireAndRain · 04/01/2020 00:09

@PlanDeRaccordement like the PP said, surely it's normal to discuss your future together and the fact you'd both like to get married would come into that? I'd find it very strange to have someone proposing to me being the first I'd heard of that being a thought of their intentions Wink

OP posts:
Original poster
FireAndRain · 04/01/2020 00:11

@Mumoftwoyoungkids Thanks for your input. We've had similar conversations!

OP posts:
Original poster
FireAndRain · 04/01/2020 00:13

@MrsPerfect12 You're right, and I guess until there's concrete news, there's no requirement to tell him. I'm just trying to be courteous and be respectful with the whole thing, and thought the 'heads up' might be an option. Thanks!

OP posts:
Savannaha · 04/01/2020 00:22

If you're on good terms with exH and you have been with current BF for 3 years, I don't think an engagement will come as a shock to exH. Does he have another partner now?

PlanDeRaccordement · 04/01/2020 00:24

You see I’m not some simpering heroine of a Mills and Boon novel but an equal partner in our adult relationship

Don’t really go with

We then went off, found a picturesque spot and did the whole thing very romantically with the whole one knee thing (I think he may have even used my full name to really mark the occasion!)

Cleoscats · 04/01/2020 00:26

I’m confused as to why you’d want to tell your ex that you’re about to be but aren’t but we’ve talked about it so it will happen soon I’ll be engaged.

You aren’t engaged yet. Even if you were, i don’t think he needs to be told “ it’s official” ( Hmm) before your kids know.

You seem eager to update your EX on your life.

It’s good that your in a good place etc & I would definitely let my Ex know oh BF will be step-dad etc but what’s the rush?

Original poster
FireAndRain · 04/01/2020 00:29

@Savannaha You're right, and it's an obvious thing that everyone can see happening for us in the near future. Ex isn't currently in a relationship, no. Or I should say, not in a serious one that i know about (as has always been our agreement, if it will involve the children meeting a partner etc).

OP posts:
PlanDeRaccordement · 04/01/2020 00:31

Op, thank you for not being insulting.
surely it's normal to discuss your future together and the fact you'd both like to get married would come into that

It wasn’t really done like that. The discussion where both agree to get married WAS the engagement. Most couples I know did not plan to get engaged in the future. When they agreed to get married, they were engaged right there and then. It seems like an extra step has been added since social media appeared.

Original poster
FireAndRain · 04/01/2020 00:32

@Cleoscats Because i think it's the right thing to hear it from me and not from our children, no? And there's no rush, but as the father of my children and someone I don't want to upset then he should be told so he doesn't hear it from a mutual friend, social media etc. Maybe it's just me being too thoughtful then! Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
FireAndRain · 04/01/2020 00:36

@PlanDeRaccordement I see. Well then, I'm engaged. Nothing to do with social media imo and I'm not exactly a spring chicken either so maybe it's not purely a generational thing. I guess i see the official bit being the ring, which isn't on my finger yet Grin

OP posts:
Savannaha · 04/01/2020 00:37

No you're not being 'too thoughtful' (in the nicest way possible)! You're being considerate of his feelings. You're living proof that you can be friends with your ex!

If you were inviting him to the wedding that would be slightly different...But theres nothing wrong with being kind enough to want him to hear it from you.

Congratulations for your almost-engagement!

commoncoot · 04/01/2020 00:40

I'd wait until you have the ring (that's when I see an engagement as being official unless you've had a conversation before and decided to be engaged)

I told my ex just after we told our families. He came dropped our son home and I went out to meet him at the car. Son went in (didn't know yet) and I just said FYI "DH Name" asked me to marry him and I said yes:

We agreed we'd tell each other big life decisions as they have an effect on our son. I also told him quietly before I told my son I was pregnant with DS2 but didn't bother telling him for DD this time. By that point it has all moved on so much and it was hardly one expected / not as a major life change for our shared son.

Savannaha · 04/01/2020 00:40

Also there are some weird people on MN who will pick faults with everything you say. I'm in agreement with you that there's a difference between agreeing that you will get married at some point, and actually being engaged. Don't let judgemental people pressure you - do it at your own pace.

Original poster
FireAndRain · 04/01/2020 08:49

@Savannaha Thank you, and no he's definitely not getting an invite to the wedding Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
FireAndRain · 04/01/2020 08:51

@commoncoot Sounds very similar to how we try to do things. Thank you for your reply, it's helpful to hear a similar perspective.

OP posts:
ScreamingLadySutch · 04/01/2020 08:55

@FireandRain that is very respectful, well done.

I had to hear from my eldest son (and then support him in his unhappiness about it)

So it is really nice to hear respectful lack of selfishness, and consideration of others.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page