Can you tell me honestly what you think I should do? 31, never dated.

[KnittedBlankets]

I don't know where to turn to.

I'm 31. When I turned 30 I really hit a low point, downloaded Tinder and tried to date. It didn't go very well.

I've never really kissed anyone. I'm very shy and have an awful bitchy resting face, plus when I was still at home my dad always waited up for me if I was on a night out and would have been so disappointed in me if I came in drunk, so I missed out on all of the easy firsts and now it seems this huge obstacle to get over. One of the men I went on a date with tried to kiss me and I ducked. It was awful.

I've obviously never had sex and that seems an even more colossal obstacle.

I'd like to get to know someone first, but in 4 years at uni, 11 years of working, countless gym memberships and running clubs, nothing has ever materialised.

I find dates such hard work, really taxing. If I'm attracted to someone, I find it worse.

I want a family one day so I know I need to get over this, but how?

Hi, are you in a dating website at the moment?

I signed up to Match, but it's really disappointing. There's hardly any men and I'm in a big city.

Do you have any friends that could be your wingman on nights out? A sort of mentor to give you tips.

@KnittedBlankets , only just seen your post, you haven't had too many helpful replies

I am just like you but am now 40, I decided to start therapy to try to understand why I am so avoidant. Currently I feel like I have flushed away what should have been the best years of my life, wasted on the black hole of a career that has not worked out.

Finding a relationship does require work, even serendipity needs the right people in the right place, and as you've found online dating is hard work. Read the dating thread in this forum, currently on number 179, you'll see that even people who have had a bit of practice find it difficult.

You have decided that you want some change, if you don't at least try then the guilt and shame will only get worse and make things harder, so make a plan and get out there.

Talking to someone hasn't really helped me in moving forward (yet) but it has really helped with feeling less anxious about it all.

The feeling of wanting to get to know someone first, is a real thing for some people, the cool kids call it demisexual, the need for a strong emotional connection before other feelings can develop.

Just try to remember that anyone who genuinely likes you will be happier respecting your boundaries than crossing them. You do not have to do anything you aren't happy with.

Best of luck.

Therapy probably is a good idea, and also see a doctor to work out whether treatment for anxiety or mild depression might help. I was a slow starter too, and now looking back (and having been on ADs for other reasons), I see those things would have helped me a great deal!

At the same time I'd also look into other ways of improving your mental health, such as an outdoor sport and more social activities. Getting outdoors puts you in a better mood. Being sociable takes practice; you can work on that shyness and get better at overcoming it. I took on a TEFL job, which meant being forced to talk to people for hours on end, but with some sort of plan and structure to the situation that meant you always had something to say. You might be shy now, but you don't have to stay shy.

It might also help make the date feel less of a huge thing if you tell yourself that you are not looking for a relationship. You are looking for a first proper kiss, for example, no more; even plan not to meet the kisser again afterwards!

Having got over the obstacle of "the first time" many years back now, I can tell you that when you're on the other side, it looks much smaller than it did when facing it head on. The other person might be more experienced, but actually they might not be that much more experienced, or even that good at it if they are. It's not like you're playing your first ever game of tennis against Roger Federer. And frankly, you do know what has to go where. You can become a super sex goddess later on.

You have every right to avoid a kiss if you want. The guy was probably embarrassed that he'd read the situation wrong.

As well as the above suggestions on therapy, I'd also say force yourself to date as practice. The more you do it, the easier it may get. Right now it's this great big thing in your head, and you need to face it down

I would say the advice of bluntness is very true - therapy and just getting out there.
For hope I worked with an ex nun - she had her first relationship at 50. Found it incredibly difficult but is happily married and has grandchildren (step).

Would you try speed dating?

Do you have friends and an active social life? Do you talk to people and men generally?