It’s over

[Headsashed4]

So I’ve finally ended my marriage of 9 years relationship of 17 years. It’s been a while coming, tried working through it but it’s just not working. How on earth do we break it to our children? (7&5)

I guess you just have to explain in an open and simple way and make them understand its not because of them.

Is it amicable ish? Will your ex see the DCs ok?

There are really good little books on helping children through divorce, OP if you google.

There are some general principles they tend to all agree on:

For telling them:

• Do it together if you can so they see you are still able to work together for their benefit. Agree in advance what to say so you font start contradicting each other or get blindsided/ upset in the moment.
• have details ready on how they will be taken care of And practical details as kids that age are very concrete and need to know they are going to be taken care of) who will take care of them when? Where will daddy go? How often will they see daddy? Who will collect them from school, how will you coordinate etc)
• tell them what is NOT changing too (Eg staying in sane school, same friends, still go for waffles on Sunday)
• make a distinction between adult love (is between mummy and daddy that has changed so you are happier apart) and love mummies and daddies have for their children which is unending..
• tell them it is in no way their fault. Kids always worry about this even subconsciously.
• If you can, give a child appropriate explanation for why it is ending and tell them you have done everything you can to try to make it better and you both know this is for sure the right thing
• let them know that you feel sad and they will probably also have feelings (anger, sadness, confusion, worry) and this is normal and ok for a big change. They can always talk to you both and come for cuddles etc).
• let them ask any questions they want to

After the first talk:
Continue to reinforce all of the above, plus:

• avoid making them the go between or pulled between you. This sounds obvious but is really hard to do in practice.
• reassure them you want them to see their daddy and enjoy being with him (assuming he is not an abusive twat)
• help them express their feelings any way they can. There are good books on feelings for 5-7 year olds. I found these very effective and easier for my daughter (6 -at time) to open up than through pure talking. We also had a feelings box where she could write me little notes any time she wanted, and we had special hug tone when we could just be together. You may see them regress (act younger) - be patient with this and reassuring. Or you might see them trying to act old - control things or investigate them. Try to stress they are kids and it's not their job to take care of you or worry about x, y, z. Encourage them to keep doing all their kid stuff and keep as much the sane (play dates etc)
• hook up with the school so they can get support/ a close eye on them there.
• minimize any criticism if the other parent and try to keep childcare discussions etc out of their world.

And finally - the biggest thing you can do for your children is be ok yourself... they are very instinctive. If you are letting yourself feel your feelings, they will do the same. If they feel that ultimately you are steady and ok, they will know it is safe for them to be.

Good luck OP. I hope this is helpful. Based on books I read at the time, and experience.

I am sure your children will be fine. Children are very resilient and they will hopefully have happier parents post separation which will also be good for them.

Depends how amicable it is

Mine were those ages and the picture book Mum and Dad Glue was really helpful. We told them together in a library, so they could walk off and occupy themselves if they wanted to. Tbh, I don't think they really took it in the first time. 9 months later its still up and down but they definitely understand it's over between us. It's amicable. Good luck. It's a roller-coaster

Yeahh its really not one conversation but many over time....

@BraveGoldie great advice thank you! Yes it’s amicable, I think (hope) we will continue to be friends and be civil.