struggling with sister relationship

[HC4U]

Would love some advise. I know in my head I need to move on, let go and live and let live. In my heart, I am broken hearted.
One sister who is 5 years younger than me. Both married with kids. We live 5 hours away from each other. Before she was married I was always there for her and felt she was my best friend. Always ringing each other, visiting each other spending time with her. jJust knowing that we had each others back. All of a sudden and I cannot put my finger on what happened bar she got married and of course was/is busy with her own family. But its not just that. Its the fact she has absolutely no respect or value for me or our relationship now. Even others have noted the way she speakes at me bar too me. She has a lot more monetary wealth that I have, big car, big house, fab hols etc etc. But yet she wouldnt get her nieces/nephews anything worth of value in terms of gifts. I have spend years picking gifts for her and her kids and spending too much which was stupid as I never got a thanks for them. So that has stopped this year and I bought what I could afford and didn't expect a thanks from her or her kids. So I feel I have made some progress there. When we do meet up I have noticed its never on our own but at family get togethers and even then she never sits near me and does her best to not engage with me. She will phone me an odd time but usually its me that keeps that going too. I have noticed also that if I step back in terms of trying to keep a relationship I would never hear from her. I just thought I guess that we would always be close our kids would grow up together etc and we could enjoy each others company. I know she has lots of friends and even goes on holidays with them, but yet even when I ask her would she like to meet me for a catch up and lunch, its always oh yeah sure but it never materialises.

I don't want her to be a huge part of my life if she doesn't want it, but I would like us to have a relationship that is based on respect and civility and just kindness. My brothers keep telling me stop bothering as she has made it clear she doesn't want it. But it does hurt andyet I am not sure if I asked her straight out would I be able for the answer! Its like I cannot have a deep discusion with her or say anything negative for fear of the consequences.

Thanks for the vent!

Honestly, your sister doesn’t value you or want a closer relationship. I have a similar scenario with my sister who is younger. She has less than me in material terms but doesn’t really need me in her life . After years of hurt I have finally seen it for what it is. I keep a bare minimum of contact and hardly think about her anymore.
For your own sake, distance yourself. It’s painful but things will not change. Your brothers are right.

I went through similar estrangement with my sister. However, turned out she was subject to emotional abuse and her now husband has spend 22 years trying to push me out of her life. I’m glad I hung in there as was close to going no or limited contact for a while. She’s since see her husband for who he is and I hope will gather the strength to leave him. Whilst it’s been heartbreaking to see her go through this I have my sister back.

I’m not saying ignore everything but just in case please don’t cut things off too much as you never know what’s going on behind closed doors.

Thank you for the posts. I do feel hurt for the past few years. I have tryed everything to keep the relationship going. I genuinely missed not having her like we used to be. Interesting KatzP I have thought a few times is there something else going on, because one day we were fine and then literally over night it all changed. Her husband would have a very fine standing in their community and is a top earner and I often feel he looks down on us. My sister too has a very professional job and both work in medicine. So there is a class divide in some ways. However in saying all that, I would hope that if there is true respect and love it doesn't matter what job we have and they have. Also my own life hasn't been easy with special needs children and my husband works abroad a lot and yet she would never ever ask me how things are etc. So even if there is something going on, it still doesn't all add up. One example recently was I wished her a happy birthday and bought her a small gift. My birthday was two weeks later and not a peep from her. That kind of thing. I dont want to cut ties from her and I would like to think that if things were bad, she would have an allie in me. But it was this Christmas when all my family were together and she spoke to me and another member of the group said to me afterwards, does she always speak to you like that? This has made me think, I have spent so long trying so hard to be her friend that I have stopped actually seeing the reality of it. If that makes sense? I really don't want to spend the next year like the last few always nervous around ringing her, seeing her. Pretending like nothing wrong, my own kids anxious when we are going to family events etc. In fact life is so short I just don't want to have this as a major issue in my life. So I need to change my way of thinking and dealing with it while staying kind. Thank you again as I can gather from your posts that you both have suffered too.

The pain will not go away as she is your sister. I haven't seen my sister for 20y and she is being emotionally abused be my dangerous perents. I've tried to talk to her about the issues we had growing up and she didn't listen. Now she is with a man old enough to be her granddad and given our perents the responsibility of her child. My dad is a pedo and she knows. If your sister isn't making an effort with you she isn't worth your time or energy. She sounds similar to my sister. Minus the grandad dh.

Oh thats just awful Thatagain. Toxic families really have consequences for inner peace for everyone and just because people are in our DNA doesn't mean we need to tolerate or accept the behaviour. Very difficult sometimes to let go and let out of our heads and hearts. Take care and thanks everyone!