This is my DH’s brother and his wife. I will call them Alan and Betty.
Married for 10ish years, 2 kids under age of 5. They separated for a year about 4 years ago after birth of first child. Reasons: constant rowing (often in public with friends/family but even more behind closed doors). They reunited but as far as I’m aware did not go to any couples therapy to solve any underlying issues.
Betty called me and my DH yesterday (she has NEVER spoken about their relationship to us before) saying how desperate she is, Alan is so angry all the time, yells at her, they had had a HUGE row on NY Eve and she is worried he will hurt himself, he is depressed, he is stressed with work etc (they both earn 7 yes 7 figure salaries which is relevant as their jobs are hugely stressful, leach family time and ultimately they end up in a cycle of massive expenditure to live a certain lifestyle which has to be constantly maintained)
On the face of it it would sound as if Alan is a nasty verbally abusive man who bullies his wife; this is certainly the way Betty was describing it yesterday. He is well over 6 foot, she is tiny. I totally see how it sounds.
BUT BUT BUT.
Betty’s treatment of Alan is jaw-dropping. Some examples; there are many many more
She harangues/belittles him, publicly. For example, ‘do I LOOK like I have time to answer that question, Alan?’ (Barked, with an eye roll)
she will interrupt him constantly and then if he interrupts her once she will hold up a warning finger right in his face like you might to a naughty toddler and say ‘do NOT interrupt me...’
She gaslights. An example, we were out for a meal with them and an ingredient came in her meal that she didn’t like. Cue 5 mins of her scowling, pouting, getting herself riled up about how she couldn’t eat this thing. Very stressful and ruining the meal for everyone. Alan politely called a waiter and said his wife was worried there was X in the pasta. Betty snapped, ‘I wasn’t worried, Alan, YOU were!’ And then proceeded to berate him for being a fusspot. Not perhaps a great example sorry but it really stood out because Alan looked so crushed. There are many other examples of this, her announcing how stressed out he’s been and pretending she’s super-chilled when you’ve just seen/heard her furiously berating him in the kitchen about him accidentally overcooking the veg.
They never see his friends, she doesn’t like them. They socialise only with her friends.
She tells him what he can eat to the extent that once when he reached for a pastry at a family breakfast she held up that warning finger again right in his face and said ‘alan, NO’. It was mortifying; he just took his hand away from the pastry.
The childcare falls 100% to him, she won’t do the baby’s night wakings because she ‘needs her sleep...’ She also won’t go to the older boy in the night if he’s ill. Alan does it all, by both their admissions. (They work identical hours and earn the same). He is obviously Visibly exhausted.
Our issue is: what do we do? I know Alan must shout at Betty, I have seen him lose his temper with the kids and yes he absolutely has a temper, he clearly needs some help and no of course he shouldn’t be yelling at his wife.
Betty does not yell.
Betty controls him; berates him with a smile; publicly humiliates him; gaslights.
If their genders were reversed it would be all too clear that the husband was winding the wife into a frenzy where she was losing her shit.
As she’s tiny and female and he’s a big bloke it’s very hard to explain it the same way.
Our worry is for him, for the kids, for all of them.
It’s a terrible terrible toxic household.
DH spoke to his brother today about bettys call and said we are worried, if DH goes to close to any perceived criticism of Betty, though, Alan just refuses to listen, snaps that it’s all his fault and he knows he ‘needs help.
Betty has booked an appointment for him
(Not THEM) to see a therapist.
I don’t know if a therapist will see past Alan blaming himself for everything and beating himself up about his temper.
I think they need help and I think Betty needs help and I don’t think Alan can see that Betty needs to alter HER behaviour, if that’s possible.
Their poor kids 😥 and after the call from Betty DH is genuinely worrying about his brothers safety (but part of me thinks it still signifies Betty gaslighting Alan)
Any advice??? Am I in the wrong to worry about Betty’s behaviour? How can we help Alan to ease up the stress by recognising he’s beyond the end of his tether, he’s not an abusive violent man.
Please help if you can; sorry it’s so long.