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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Coercive / controlling parents

9 replies

CraicMammy · 03/01/2020 18:47

I’ve been NC from my parents for a few years, but been LC recently after my dad was v ill.

My sister came home from travelling around the time Dad got ill and has been living with my parents whilst Dad recuperated. Before travelling she split up with her LT boyf because of long term pressure from my mum who didn’t approve of him (I’ve posted about that previously.

I’m worried that my sister (early 30s) is getting trapped at home. She’s been there for months, but my mum won’t cut her a key for the door, so she can’t go out as she pleases. Mum won’t add her on the car insurance or let her buy a car. She’s blocked her from borrowing a car because my sister has no income at present (loads of savings tho). My sister had a high level job in the City before travelling and is actively looking for a new job in her chosen field. My mum is pressuring her to get a job at the local supermarket.

My mum isn’t physically controlling my sister’s £, but you don’t cross her. Mum gets very angry, and is very good at messing with people’s heads.

I’ve offered my sister a place at my home, but she feels she has to stay because my Dad is still unwell and my mother would erupt if she moved out. She’s completely isolated from her friends, and can’t do anything without my mother’s approval.

Needless to say perhaps, but my parents’ friends and neighbours think they’re awesome people (they can turn on the charm when they need to) and they don’t understand why my sister is so withdrawn and seemingly apathetic (she isn’t but my parents say she is)

I went NC because I couldn’t cope with the control and mind games any more. I’m feeling so upset after hearing my sister tell me what her life is like.

I don’t know if there’s anything I can do to help my sister, other than moral support, and a place to stay if she needs it. She won’t take £. I don’t have anyone IRL to talk to.

OP posts:
QueenofPain · 03/01/2020 18:51

Difficult situation, but your sister is an adult. All you can do is keep communication open and make sure she knows she can come to yours.

Is there anyway that you can invite your sister out so that the two of you get some time alone?

CraicMammy · 03/01/2020 19:07

Yes, we got some time alone to speak this week, I’ll keep up making plans for us to get out. I hope she can get a good job soon and then she can move on 🤞

OP posts:
12345kbm · 03/01/2020 19:12

It's an unfortunate situation for your sister but there's nothing you can do. Your mum sounds very abusive OP, sounds like Stockholm Syndrome.

I think you've done everything you can for the time being, just be there for her if she needs you. Be the voice of reason as the longer she stays with your mum, the more she'll get ground down. I'm sure your mum will use your dad's illness to guilt trip her as well, making it very difficult for her to go against her wishes.

I hope you're ok and have had some counselling.

CraicMammy · 03/01/2020 19:20

Thank you. My instinct is always to fight the unfairness and that never ends well!

I appreciate the advice to step back and be present for my sister, it’s what I needed to hear! Thank you all xx

OP posts:
lexiepuppy · 03/01/2020 22:19

Sounds like she is getting ground down and brainwashed, also might be reverting to the parent / child roles of being bossed about.

Just keep communicating with your sister, have her back if she comes under attack from your mother.

If she is really getting dragged down and obeying your mother re: her commands/suggestions eg supermarket job, prepare to get your sister away from her as her MH will be affected.

Good luck.💐

GreenTulips · 03/01/2020 22:24

Can you not just invite her over for a few drinks and a takeaway?cant see why your mother would object. Even offer to collect her and take her home.

sorrow4ever · 03/01/2020 22:37

Hi,
Your story reminders me of my father and sister. He keeps controlling her verbally with unpleasant comments and harassment.
She is 50 years old and still leaves with my parents.
She could never date someone without my father consent and even now she can't go out with her friends without he saying she can.
I left home on my late teens as I couldn't carry on living under the same roof as that man.
I have told my sister to leave home but she always said dad is not well....
She is sad that she could never have a family of her own, be a mum.... she is amazing with kids.
Can you take your sister for a weekend out of town? She needs to breathe!

CraicMammy · 03/01/2020 23:05

Yes, we’re going to meet up on Sunday and I’m going to include her in plans I make with my DH and kids.

Thanks for helping me to see the things I can do to help my sister xx

OP posts:
TW2013 · 03/01/2020 23:12

Could you engineer a few over night stays, maybe dh out and you want some company, babysitting while you go out etc. It sounds as if your sister likes being needed so maybe that will help to get her out of the house.

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