Has your role as a mum been strained if your marriage is unhappy?

[SoUnsettled2]

Hi,

I just wanted to know if anyone else has felt the way I do. I have felt unhappy in my marriage for quite a few years now (see my previous post) but I also, sometimes, feel that I don't enjoy motherhood. I know that sounds awful and it could be menopausal hormones but I often feel desperate for some 'me' time.
I work FT and 260 miles away so stay away 4 days a week, although this has been a recent thing as I was desperate to leave my old job due to shifts and extreme tiredness (long nights).
I have always been the biggest earner and risen through the ranks through study and experience. My mum died a few years back (cancer) and I had spent a long time looking after her (which, I now think, took my mind off the marriage incompatibility). All grandparents are RIP and we didn't have any help with childcare and I often struggled to sort childcare around our shifts. Now that both kids are secondary age we don't have the requirement for childcare but I can't help feeling that I am unhappy in my role as a mum. I feel overwhelmed a lot. Both kids are home birds and never go out playing or seeing friends so it is difficult for me to clean the house in the 3 days I am at home.
I am living in a spare room down south while my husband and children stay in the family home. I sometimes feel like Cinderella.
But, I can't help but think that if I was happy in my marriage I wouldn't feel like this. Is this what others find? I am feeling the need for free time even though I am away 4 days a week. I feel, when I come home, I have entered a war zone and I spend the entire 3 days running around after them.

I am trying to get my head around how to progress with my unhappy marriage and I know I have complicated things by working south (family are north) but I have always worked hard at my career to provide for my kids. I admit my move was to get away from my hubby a few days a week but I think I've shot myself in the foot a bit!

Has anyone separated/divorced and found there role as a parent improved? My head is a mess. I am 2 years into the menopause so know my hormones are erratic too!

This was the beginning of the end for my ex husband and I.

We were married and then a year after fell pregnant. Very quickly I grew resentful of him and to be honest people underestimate the pressure children put on a relationship. We had other issues though and looking back we weren’t well suited.

We divorced 4 years ago and have an amazing son who is now 7 together and co-parent really well. We have also both moved on. Life is hard but this is a battle that you can choose to change. Not necessarily in divorce lol but I would never stay in a marriage for the sake of children xx

Yes, when I imagined having children I pictured my life very differently, I do think my marriage has a lot to do with how I am as a mother. I’m not happy, haven’t been for a while and have put up with a lot of shit from my husband. He’s never been a hands on dad at all he’s quite happy to let me do everything and that’s how it’s been since they were born. I do think how my marriage has gone has made me a worse mother than I thought I would be and feel like I haven’t enjoyed my children as much as I should have because he’s not really allowed me to. I’m currently considering leaving (numerous reasons) and hoping that it improves my relationship with my children.

I think it will have an effect on the whole family.
Are your children unhappy?

First of all don't spend your 3 days at home cleaning up after them you never made the mess. tell you dh & DC o sort it out before you get home if they don't ignore it you for the 3 days. Go out as a family spend quality time together. your working hard making sacrifices to bring home the higher wages. Or book a four day holiday from work take yourself off somewhere nice to have a proper break. Let them think your at work. You might just be resentful of the work/life balance or go home and get a job that fits in with your family. You are probably being too busy taking care of them to have the right balance. If they wont go out maybe you all need a good talk I don't blame you for feeling like Cinderella do something for yourself.

I think you will have to start doing nice things with the children. Would they watch a film with you?

Yes. I loved being a mum but felt I was never the mum I thought I'd be. Quite snappy and lack of patience. I was unhappy in my marriage for a long time but tried to bury it.

In the end I couldn't keep burying it and we split. I am much more mellow as a mum now and enjoy it more. I really do believe my parenting was down to the state of mind about my marriage.

I’m the mum I wanted to be. We have three kids (11,10 and 7) Our 10 and 7 year old have asd and adhd. I’m their main carer and my dh has left it all up to me aside from the stuff he does with our neurotypical child. It has led to a lot of resentment as I can’t ask for help or support without my dh saying I’m criticising him or getting at him.

Motherhood can be a hard slog. Meeting the needs of the kids, yourself and another adult can be really hard work. Even though the kids are now finally at school by the end of the day I find I’m overwhelmed.

Well 4 days of the week you don't see your kids and the 3 days you do you wish that they would go out.

I don't think being unhappily married helps - but I don't think it is the only or even the major determinant of your relationship with your children. So - I don't think that your soul searching about how you feel about your kids should stop at blaming your husband. I think that's an easy way out. He may indeed be a total dick. But that's not the full or even most of the answer I would think.

Meant to say I’m not the mum I wanted to be.

Glad I’m not alone with this. Both kids are at awkward ages so both refuse to do a lot of things now (days out). They won’t even go up the cinema! The eldest (boy) is happy to stay in his room on the Xbox which drives me mad and the girl - since starting secondary - seems to have turned into a pre- teen overnight. She is nice natured (no tantrums) but is obsessed with clothes now! All she wants to do is shop and I hate being around shops when they’re busy. Both kids though will not go out with friends and this means I never get to be on my own to have my own time.
I think my feelings towards my marriage have exacerbated all of this but I feel I’m no longer enjoying motherhood.
I’m struggling to find a way out as I’m paying rent down south and paying towards the family home (although mortgage free). I’d have to move out and get another place up here but also pay for the other 2 places. Got into a pickle.
My parents divorced when I was 8 and I never wanted this for my children. They’ve had everything I didn’t. Trips to the USA, plenty of money on their pockets etc. However, I do think both don’t appreciate it and certainly don’t appreciate what I do for them. My marriage is non existent. As I type he is sat on the other sofa and hasn’t said a word to me. So sad and struggling to keep a smile on my face. I feel like I’m living with an old man.

I’m going to try and get the eldest a part time job in the summer ( he will be 16) to get him socialising and out of the house. He gets aggressive on the Xbox which has added to my problems. He’s a bright kid and has his exams this summer but lazy when it comes u you to revision. I really want him to do well in life.
He is staying on for A-levels so hoping a little weekend job will give him confidence and give me space. And, of course, it’ll give him money plus work ethic.

While you’re all living together, I think you need to communicate and connect a bit more.
Being stuck in their rooms on gadgets all day is not healthy. Will your ds prioritise studying?

Dcs never appreciate anything we do! It’s just their normal. You can foster a good connection and good relationship with them though.
To do that, you have to spend time with them.
Do you eat meals together? Watch tv together?
I dragged my teen and preteen out of the house yesterday to huge moans and strops but once we were out, they relaxed and agreed it was nice.
They came home in a much better mood.

This all sounds difficult op but without communicating with each other, nothing will change for the better.

I doubt very much that will go well. For one thing, a teen who prefers his xbox and already has money in his pocket, isn't going to be motivated to do a part-time job.

You seem very money/work orientated yourself, op, but I don't think you have an understanding of your son's likely motivations.

You have "your own time" 4 nights a week. It's strange to me that you aren't eager to spend time with your children when you're home.

Have you considered that your children may feel you are not interested in them/rejected by you having chosen to work away as you have done, and therefore choose not to spend time with you or interact with you? They may actually be quite angry with you and hurt by you.

Why don’t you get yourself a house down south and move the kids down? It doesn’t sound like they do much right now anyway. They aren’t leaving behind a huge group of friends!

Maybe the job move was a good thing because it got you some space away to realise how bad the situation is with your husband. Can you get a job at home and move back now with your children? Of course you dont have much enthusiasm for motherhood when you are exhausted and in a miserable relationship.
If you cant work it out with your husband, (and maybe you can with some counselling??) then get yourself and your children out of there.
If you husband is so annoying then you cant just leave them there with him.
You will be a new woman if you sort this out, but you need to reach out now and ask for help. You cant go on like this.
Good luck.

I've just read your update.

Basically you just don't like your kids very much. That's not the fault of your marriage. Or your children.

And given that you leave them for 4 days a week and are desperate to get them out of the house for the other 3 days - if they don't want to go out with friends then maybe they don't feel that great because of they can tell the way their mother feels about them.

This is in no way the result of your marriage.

I feel very very sorry for your children.

I think people are being a bit harsh on the OP. Being in an unhappy marriage does affect how you are as a mother. When I was with my ex, I was definitely snappier and less patient with my kids because I was so anxious all the time.
I also think your kids are at a difficult age where they probably don't want to spend time with you/family - that is normal for teenagers/pre-teens sadly. My oldest is 12 and he is only interested in his xbox and ipad. I have to coerce him into doing anything!
I think you just have to try harder with your kids!

The hormone oxytocin is responsible for love for your husband and love for your children. If you feel resentful towards your husband then you’re unable to be the loving mother that you can be to your children. Adrenaline (hormone that's active during anger/resent) is an antagonist of oxytocin. I know this from experience and that’s partially why I want to work on my marriage because I know that’s best for my son.

Maybe try focusing less on career and focus more on your marriage and family, move back to your husband. I know it’s easier said than done but doing what’s best and working on marriage is always more difficult because you have to set aside your ego/pride.

You don't want your children around you and its very clear they are not the children you want them to be. Guess what, they dont have to be. They are their own people, not your mini-me's. How about you appreciate them a bit more. Your feeling about your DH have nothing to do with your dissatisfaction with your children. You see them for less than half a week and you want them to bugger off out, I'm sure they've picked up on this.

Your me time is the 4 evenings a werk when you finish work and live on your own. Not seeing any me time issue here.