Had it out with my sister - how do you move on?

[BenjiCat]

I've had a tricky relationship with my sister since as long as I can remember, but it's gotten worse over the last eighteen months, most recently resulting in us 'having it out' over Christmas at our parents house.

I feel that I handled myself fairly well at the time of the argument (trying to stay calm, factual, and adult), whilst I had a barrage of insults, lies and general BS thrown at me. But if I am honest, post argument I am still feeling bruised and ruminating about just how bloody nasty, unreasonable and two faced she is .

There's a lot of background prior to this that I won't bore you with (giving me the silent treatment, her sending me short and nasty texts, 'twisting of the truth' to our parents/wider family, deleting me off social media and then accusing me of having done this to her ). Generally a lot of drama, childish and manipulative behaviour over the years (which I think is embarrassing and ridiculous!).

However, the standout comment from her in the argument that I can't seem to let go of is 'I meant to upset you'. Aka she knew what she was doing. This was followed up with a round of tears from her about how upset she's been, how caring a person she is and how 'cold' and unlikable I am. However when I next see her over holidays with the rest of the family it's all smiles.

At this point I feel like I've tried to be as reasonable as possible and to build bridges. But behind closed doors there's always a drama and I feel like I am always being made out to be the cold, uncaring, bad guy. It really upsets me and I don't think it's true. I don't seem to have problems like this with anyone else in my life.

I guess my question to mumsnetters is. How do you/I deal with this sort of behaviour, particularly from family? I do my best now to keep out of her way, but we inevitably bump into each other's path at Christmas etc. How do I let it go and just not care/give it much thought anymore?

I sympathise, I have fallen out with my brother and sister after giving them numerous chances!

My sister decided to stand there swearing at me and telling me how awful my son was, she did this infront of my daughter and hers.
She did not take into account my severe depression due to death, being cheated on, abuse from ex husband and Mil. I no longer have contact with my sister.

A week later my brother started shouting and swearing at me about my divorce and ex husband. My mother witnessed some of the argument and walked out and my brother then brought up events from years ago. I tried to leave the house, I had also remained relatively composed through both arguments.
But he followed me out to my car and opened the door, crushed my hand to get the keys out.

He also said that he had bided his time to go in on me as all I do is cry! ( I have depression and have been through an abusive marriage).

He too had waited to have this argument, he had waited to say the most horrible, spiteful, nasty things to me.

Long story short, I have gone No contact with all my family as they are all dysfunctional.

My mum loves my brother so much , she wouldn’t defend me even though his behaviour was vile. She would rather side with him.

I am out of the dysfunction and abuse, that made me think an abusive marriage was ‘normal ‘, going through Women’s Aid and the Freedom programme showed me that my childhood and marriage were far from normal!

Sadly my daughter has witnessed a few occasions when my brother and sister have been vile to me, so she knows what they have done is not acceptable, like how her father treated me , she also witnessed that abuse and my son.

You may need counselling to deal with the situation.

You disengage, go low contact, divert calls to go directly to voice mail.

Keep away from her unless necessary, avoid any opportunity for her to kick off ie don't sit around a table with her, get stuck with her in a room.

You don't engage in arguments with her, just walk away. If she follows, then leave.

Be polite, don't engage in conversation.

I think I have been doing the low contact/disengage thing for a while without realising it! I think that's where her 'cold' comments come from, as I don't engage or provide her with sympathy (mainly because her problems are mostly self-made!).

Maybe it's more about how to deal with it emotionally and my feelings of anxiety whenever I have to be around her for family occasions. Although I'm okay on the outside, on the inside I'm either on edge or feeling irked that she has hides that side of her to others.

Just walk away, block, and don't respond.

It will get easier as time passes