If you've lost a parent to serious illness, (or have a partner who has)...

[ladybee28]

What did you most need from your partner in the days, weeks, months after they died?

DP's mother is very unwell and due to have major surgery in February.

She lives in a different country from us, and he's planning to fly over to be with her for as long as he can after the operation, although the time he'll be able to be there is limited due to his work and DSS.

There's of course the very sad but very real possibility that she won't recover.

I can try to imagine what he'll need and play it by ear, of course, if the worst were to happen, but I'd really appreciate the advice of anyone who's been there. I'm scared for her, scared for him, and if I'm honest, a little scared of the impact of his grief on our relationship. He's not great at expressing emotion.

How can I be there for him best if the worst should happen –or if she has a long and hard recovery over there and he's unable to be there for her for long?

My work is location independent, so I could, in theory, go and be with her if he can't – but would that be weird?

Would really appreciate any advice from people who have been through something like this.

Play it by ear and take care of yourself too. That might sound weird but you can’t look after someone else if you aren’t on top form. Have some boundaries.

Been in a similar situation for he last couple of years. I’m quite practical so did practical things like phone calls, flight bookings etc. and travelled with dh when he wanted me to. Maybe just recognise your strengths and help in the best way you can.

I also made sure that the normal stuff carried on as much as possible. Even in this you and you both and as a family you need to do fun stuff.

If the worst happens them grief is a weird thing there’s no second guessing how someone will react. You can’t plan for that.