I am at my wits end here and don't know what to do. I'm hoping an uninvolved party may be able to see things more clearly...
Here's my set up...
11 year relationship
Him 38 me 33
2 children together, 7 and 2.
Obviously with being together for so long our relationship is solid neither has any worries about it ending, however, it's NOT working and I don't know what to do. I'm going to try and give you both sides rather than just mine so you can fully understand our predicament...
I love this man and can't imagine being without him. He makes me laugh all the time and loves our children. Unfortunately he is a long time sufferer of depression, he doesn't work and hasn't for years, although I can earn more and we agreed that it's more beneficial for me to work and for him to be a stay at home parent which I'm happy with. However, I was made redundant when pregnant with our second, I decided to take some time off for maternity and then return to a different job when we're ready. With us both in all day I did more of the child care, it got to the point where I had to ask permission to leave the children with him even if I was just going shopping or going for a shower etc. He never said no, but would say things like 'why don't you just wait until it's more convenient like when the children are in bed' to which I'd ignore and then leave them anyway. But you know, principle and all that. This mans depression has escalated to the point that he rarely leaves the house, he even asks me to go to the shop if we need anything before I leave for work. He has no friends neither does he have interest in having a friend. He literally hates people, his family irritate him, I am actually closer to them than he is (worth noting that they are an incredibly difficult family). He cannot stick to a normal sleeping schedule and is often awake all night and sleeping all day. He suffers with anxiety about the smallest of things for example he wont do school and nursery runs, he over thinks everything and doesn't trust me. He makes 'jokes' when I get ready for work and although it's done in a jokey way I know if I was a weaker person he would easily manipulate me into making less effort. (Worth noting that I say effort, but i literally wear a bit of foundation, blusher and mascara. I also straighten my hair to tie it back as it's very thick, dry and wavy so looks a mess without the pre straighten) he will join me to some social events if I pressure him but will always need to have a couple of drinks before leaving to give him the courage.. this always results in him being too drunk and making a fool of himself plus annoying me but then being filled with even more anxiety and regret the next day. He will not go out drinking without me, he doesn't feel safe without me there to keep him from acting a fool. We always discuss these issues and he will try to fix them, he'll come on a few school runs with me with the intention of then doing it alone but something always sets him back and it never ends up happening. He constantly moans about my job and thinks that everything is unreasonable (I work in hospitality at present) for example a message to ask if I can come in due to someone calling in sick or the fact that I'll sometimes end up doing a few hours over what I need, that i cant get set shifts... all of which is not something you can expect in this trade. He got mad at me for attending my staff party, he didnt speak to me the whole day leading to me heading out and then didnt speak to me for the whole day after. He even insinuated that it wasnt a staff party at all and when I said what exactly do you think it is he said 'who knows with you'. Our sex life is practically non existent, I breastfed for 2 years with my youngest, so sleep deprivation was a factor, children being around was another one and me feeling a bit frumpy and unattractive, I kind of lost my sex drive a little (worth noting, he NEVER instigates sex) Automatically he came to the conclusion that I dont want him, I've explained reasons above multiple times and even said that he needs to turn me on, it's just not something that's on my mind but if he came along all manly and instigated it I'd be well for it. He doesn't, the only time it happens is when I do which is now usually just because I feel guilty about not getting it on. He accuses me of withholding sex from him but the whole subject has just become awkward now so even when I do instigate it he acts like a teenage boy that doesn't know what to do and is shy and embarrassed, which is a massive turn off (again, I have explained this to him. In a nice way) he is a calm person so we dont have heated arguments, we just discuss things and if we cant agree he'll stop talking to me and completely ignore me (I'm not always in the right) he keeps the house clean but there are certain jobs that he just doesn't do like cleaning the bathroom or putting washing away, obviously I have school runs, children and work so cant always keep on top of this but he will moan when i dont! On the odd occasions where our frustrations have gotten on top of us we will argue and on these occasions I have said why are we even together and he will emotionally blackmail me by saying there is no point in him even living if we broke up (not that I want to).
There is a lot more but i feel the above gives you a good enough insight. I dont want to end this relationship, I want him better but he thinks counselling is stupid and wont go to a doctor and as I said every effort made to improve his situation is always short lived and eventually ends up reverting back to how we are now.
What on earth do I do? I'm miserable, I'm starting to resent him and I think his way of life is setting a terrible example for the children.
Any help would be greatly appreciated