Partners/Ex Partners of Alcoholics....

[Onalake]

When did you know it was time to get out?

Or did you stay, worked through things and now have a good relationship with partner, assuming they stopped drinking?

If you're unsure about staying perhaps check out Al Anon which is for the families of alcoholics: www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

^ as above, Al Anon can offer great support.

I've spoken to Al Anon.

I guess I just wondered if there was any hope at all. He has his first AA meeting tonight.

His family and my family have effectively disowned him. He would literally be in the gutter somewhere if I walked. And he is trying. Surely that is worth hanging around for?

Don't make any decisions, don't even ponder the possibilities until you have been / spoken to Al Anon.

There will be things you have not seen yet, things you think of with a 'sober lense'. These will trip you unless you have thought about them in advance. AlAnon have all the expertise and clear sightedness you currently lack.

Just know, in your heart of hearts, that whatever you decide to do, you have every right to put yourself ahead of his alcohol.

Best if luck working through it.

Mixture of things.

Mostly, realising that he looked like a fucking troll instead of the halfway decent looking guy he'd been a couple of years previously - and realising upon finding him passed out flat on his back on the kitchen floor at 10.30am when I'd only been out since 9.30 (he'd obviously broken in during that time), that if I went straight back out again, if I was really lucky, he'd die aspiring his own vomit. And I went back out again.

It sounds like you're enabling him to remain an alcoholic. While he has you to be an adult, keep his life going, cover for him, support him and keep him out of the gutter, he can continue to drink. And he will, because he's an alcoholic and that's what they do. His primary relationship is with alcohol.

He needs to hit rock bottom which means having lost everything, in order to get himself sober.

I would start attending Al Anon meetings while he starts AA and take it from there.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Hope is your enemy here.

You are only responsible for your own self, not he. You are likely to be codependent and that state really does you no favours at all. Why do you think his family and yours have walked away from him, do you think badly of them too for doing that?. They know they cannot help him, you still seem to be stuck. You need to keep on with the al-anon meetings.

He had not even attended any AA meetings yet you state he is trying. This man is going to be an alcoholic for the rest of his life, do you really want to hang around to see if he has an epiphany or not?. Do not waste your life so. It’s going to take more than a few AA meetings and if he is going at your behest it is likely to fail. The only one who can help this man here is he. Not you, you are too close to this to be of any real help to him anyway, not that he wants your help anyway. What can you do here really to help him, nothing really. You can only help you.

He may well too go onto lose everybody and everything around him and he could still continue to drink afterwards. There are really no guarantees here when it comes to alcoholism.

Your own recovery from this will only start when you are away from him.

SIL us going through all of this now with their DB. He's hospitalised in a way that we know means he has severe cirrhosis. She has taken over where his stbexwife left off. She knows she has been enabling him, she knows she isn't in any position to help. This hospitalisation has given her a sharp reminder of how little he has done to help himself. He has said he won't stop drinking, despite having been told a repeat of his current issue is extremely likely and easily fatal.

This is his rock bottom! We have no idea what will happen, but my focus is on supporting SIL and DH disengaging.

You have to decide, based on an unemotional look at his behaviour, whether your DH will acknowledge his issues and work on them with or without you, or simply rely on you to make his 'trying' a lifestyle you accept.

AA is now the answer my ex went for 8-9 years and still had a drink every 6-12 months. He suffered depression and anxiety as well.

It's hard to explain but he never really seemed comfortable not drinking. I spent years on edge waiting for the next episode. Around 2 years ago the drinking changed from beer / wine to neat vodka although again not all the time and always when I was there.

The final straw was coming home from work and finding he had a drink whilst cooking my daughters tea. I told him there and then it was over.

Knowing he could put them at risk was it. I haven't regretted it at all. I hadn't realised how worn down and low level stressed I was all the time as it had been a gradual process.

He tried all the I've nowhere to go I will have to sleep in the car . The I will be dead.

Sounds harsh but I I honestly felt no sympathy. It had been coming long enough. I had tried to end it quite a few times but not followed through.

I would never go back.

I really can relate to what you are going through. After a really traumatic few days I have come to realise that despite the feelings I have for my husband along with everything else enough is enough and I will not enable his behaviour anymore. He has truly hit rocket bottom I feel, he has lost his job, family, license and may even be looking at a spell in prison.

It is ultimately your decision but what I will say is I have been where you are now and I wish I had done something ie separated before now because what we are all going through now is unbearable. Please look out for yourself and your kids if you have them and do not wait it out like I have done thinking it would get better. I wish you all the best.

As others have said, get involved with Al-Anon, get yourself a good support network of people who have been through/are going through life with an active alcoholic. The fact he is going to AA is good news, it means he isn't in denial about his relationship with alcohol. It can be done. You can make a relationship work with an alcoholic, once they are firmly in recovery.

My cousin's wife is a recovering alcoholic, she hasn't had a drink for more than 14 years now. She still goes to meetings and still has a sponsor. Christmas and family gatherings are still difficult for her, but she's very open about still having the psychological desire for a drink, even now. If someone tries to persuade her to have 'just the one' (someone unfamiliar with her history) she will say 'sorry no, I'm an alcoholic in recovery, I'll stick with lime and soda, thanks.'

Her rock bottom was a drink driving conviction which resulted in the loss of her job. My cousin said then that if she didn't address her alcoholism, he would divorce her and ask for custody of their 2 young children. The children were too young at the time to know what was going on.

My brother was alcoholic. I fully supported his partner in leaving him even though we all knew it would result in a rapid decline and his ultimate death. Which it.did.
And actually it would have anyway whether she was there or not - all her staying was doing, was destroying her, and prolonging his decline and slow death.
She knew it was over when she was more carer and minder than anything, and there was no longer an equal partnership.