Have I hit the rock bottom?

[AnotherNameThingy]

Had to NC for this. But some might recognise my story from previous posts. Don't know what do I want to achieve with this post - maybe I just need to be told to get my sh*t together. I don't know.

Here is what is going on in my life now:

I am married to a man with temper issues and I no longer find him even remotely attractive. Can't leave him as I can't afford to live on my own with kids. He loves me though and is fighting for our marriage.

I realised that I am gay. I am really trying to find some interest in men but can't. I always liked women but only realised that I am gay last year. Crazy.

I am having a huge crush on a woman who works in my DC school. A terrible, soul destroying, heartbreaking crush.

I am an alcoholic, as I very recently realised. I drink to escape my life, I think. It is ruining my life. Nobody knows about it as I don't do anything stupid when drunk. But I drink every night. I am usually hangovered or drunk.

My mum has cancer and is having a chemo.

I am fat. I have been trying to lose weight but can't. I had diets, juicing, running.. I walk everywhere. Watch what I eat. Didn't even lose a pound in last month. Most days I hate how I look.

Otherwise I am having a normal life. I have great friends, good social life, hobbies, lovely job, healthy kids, nice house. From outside my life looks great. I used to be happy. Now I am looking at my life and I am horrified.

I think if you stop drinking the weight will drop off!!
Get some support for your addiction and hopefully you will find the strength you need to move on in your life.
Big hug to you.

I'm sorry OP that you find yourself in this situation. I think you need to grab the bull by the horns as it were and start acting.

A first step might be to find out some information on leaving your husband. You don't need to leave but just finding out some information, can make you feel more empowered and you sound overwhelmed right now.

Here is the CABx guide to ending a relationship that might be a good first step: www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/ending-a-relationship/

Gingerbread can answer any questions you have on benefits, child maintenance, contact etc: www.gingerbread.org.uk/

You might find it helpful to chat to someone about your sexuality such as the LGBT Foundation 0345 3 30 30 30, Monday to Friday between 10am and 6pm

Perhaps make an appointment with your GP regarding the alcohol problem. You're so brave to face it and the most important thing you can do is admit it. You could call Drinkline for advice 0300 123 1110 weekdays 9am to 8pm, weekends 11am to 4pm

I am an alcoholic, as I very recently realised
This is a major 1st step OP.
Well done for recognising it.
Please contact AA and see if they can help you.
You need to find a way out of this and your first step is tackling your alcohol addiction so you can make thought out, well informed decisions.

So sorry you're going through all this. Hugs xxxxx

If you stop/cut down on drinking your mental health will improve massively. You'll have less anxiety and depression and feel more able to cope with life. I know this from experience. I suppose, as you're no longer perma-hungover or pissed, you'll also be more able to find solutions/deal with those parts of your life that you can improve.

Thank you for support.
I was going to do so many things this holiday and I have done nothing. Just felt sorry for myself and drank every night. Then couldn't sleep and woke up exhausted and hangovered. Pathetic.
It all seems so huge and life changing and I feel like Im about to ruin everyone's lives - mainly mine. Why can't I just be normal and happy and enjoy what I have?
I am on a waiting list for counselling.

There is nothing abnormal about you at all.
You are unhappy.
You are finding out now who you are and what you want.
That's all good!
It may not be what you think is 'right' or 'normal' but there is not right or normal.
Just different people who want different things later in life.
Don't put this down to not being normal.
That would be a huge mistake on your part.
Can you talk to your DH?
Can you explain about your feeling towards women and how you are gay?

@hellsbellsmelons I did tell DH few months ago. He took it better than I expected. But he is heartbroken. He hopes we can work it out and stay together. I can't see how.
I know being gay is normal. But being gay and being married to a man is not. It's messed up.

My DH has issues with anger and aggression. I should leave him regardless of my sexuality. But I literally can't afford. Small DC and part time job.
I could hang on but all the intimate things with him are so so hard for me. And unfair on him.

I think you’d find that being gay and married to the opposite gender happens more frequently than you’d imagine. It may be worth seeing if there are sites similar to this with people in the same boat or who have been through it. It may help to talk to someone who understands it.

The first thing you can definitely tackle is the drinking. This will very likely be the root of your weight gain as drink is packed full of sugar and you’re more likely to eat more when drunk and make unhealthy choices when hungover. Also hangovers suck. Waking up every day feeling fresh is better than any drink I’ve ever had!

I think you need to make it very clear to him that you don't feel any sexual towards him at all so all intimacy is off the table from now on.
You are gay and you are not interested in him at all.

So what does separation look like for you?
What would you be entitled to in UC and housing etc...?
How much maintenance would your DH have to pay?
Honestly, my friend worked her arse off as a single parent for years.
Then when she worked out housing benefits and UC, going part time in a job she actually enjoys, means she has more money now and a lot more time for her DC!!!
Look into it - you might be surprised!

Have you looked at what benefits you'd be entitled to OP? I would be focusing on finding a way to leave your abusive husband before you even look at the other things as being around anger and aggression must make any other positive changes seem impossible. Can we help with working out the practicalities? What is your housing situation (rented/mortgage/his name or yours?) and financial set up?

Divorce is so scary.
Staying married is so scary.
Both seem like terrible options at the moment. But something has to be done, I know.

We live in a house provided by his work.
No savings but no debts either.
I have nothing to take from this marriage in financial terms.
Expensive part of London. I have friends here, DC's schools, my job - really don't want to move from this area as we will be literally on our own.

Staying married means staying miserable in your case though OP, divorce is scary AF but at least it gives you a chance of being happier at some point. Can you really see yourself still there, still feeling as you do now in 10, 20, 30 years time? Regardless of all that your DC shouldn't be growing up seeing/hearing anger and aggression from their father to their mother. You have multiple reasons to leave and very few to stay as far as I can see

Has anyone suggested anti-depressants? They can be quite useful as a means of getting you out of the vicious circle of not doing anything and hating yourself for it.

Well done on speaking to your husband.

OP, you are brave to acknowledge these issues and face up to them.

Who cares if your life looks perfect from the outside, you aren't alone in having a perfect looking life yet feeling miserable.

Where to start? Start by tackling the drinking. Being sober will help you deal with the other stuff, it really will.

Thank you everyone!

@ravenmum, I don't think I am depressed. Just constantly tired.
I am having non-alcoholic beers tonight!

If you haven't done so yet, it's worth getting a checkup from the doctor. Easy to assume that you are tired etc. because of ageing/drinking/the circumstances, when it could turn out that, on top of that, you are low on iron or have a thyroid problem.