Feel like my mum blames me for abuse from ex

[Treesinthewind]

Hi everyone,
I have split up with my emotionally abusive ex (father of my 3 year old). He actually initiated it because he is suffering from paranoid delusions, but I am glad it is over and am coming to terms with what I have been living with.

I have been advised by GP, social services etc to only allow supervised contact. If I facilitate this, he interrogates me about his delusions. My mum has been supervising but he has started making accusations against her too.

I’m getting legal advise. In the meantime, I’m finding my mum’s attitude to me very difficult. She is constantly blaming me and making me feel guilty for the situation we’re in (my son and I are now living with my parents) and for having got into this relationship and had a child with this man. I’m fully aware of how stupid it was, but this really isn’t helping me right now. I don’t have any other options except to live here, as I need to save up for potential court costs and need their help with childcare as I work full time, but I sometimes feel like I’ve left one critical and controlling environment for another. It’s very painful to not feel supported or even loved by her sometimes.

Has anyone even in a similar situation? Any advice?

Yes that’s why you got into the RS with your ex as critical and controlling environments are your normal.

Can you put down clear boundaries with her calmly? Is she likely to respect them? Sounds like she holds all the power and logistical support and resents it?

If not get out. Your DC doesn’t need this.

OP you need to reorganise contact to a Contact Centre as this man does not sound safe to be around. I would tick the box for supervised contact. You can find your nearest centre here:
www,naccc.org.uk/find-a-centre

Contact Gingerbread on how to organise this and to ask other questions you may have about being a single parent: 0808 802 0925

You can also contact MIND for help and information on your ex's mental health: 0300 123 3393 [email protected]

Re saving for legal costs.

Check out the CABx guide to legal help: www.citizensadvice.org.uk/law-and-courts/legal-system/finding-free-or-affordable-legal-help/

You can also take a look at the Family Law Panel for a DV trained solicitor: www.thefamilylawpanel.org/ and the Bar Pro Bono Unit also offers free representation, though you would need a referral.

Get some counselling if you can. Anxiety UK offers affordable counselling for those on a low income. BACP has some therapists that offer fees on a sliding scale. Saneline has a helpline from 4:30-10:30pm and you can call every night if you want: 0300 304 7000 if you need someone to talk to.

Plan on moving away from your mother and look into doing the Freedom Programme as it seems as though you're following a learned pattern from childhood regarding relationships.

Sorry doesn't work: www.naccc.org.uk/find-a-centre It's the National Association of Child Contact Centres [email protected]

Thanks @Gutterton. Yep, there’s definitely something about there about affection being withheld as punishment too. Looks like I need a lot of therapy that I also don’t have the time or money for!

Thanks @12345kbm That’s really helpful. I don’t think I’ll be entitled to any legal aid - I actually have a decent salary but am in a huge amount of debt because of his impulsive spending. I’m wary of using contact centres without a court order in place as my understanding is they wouldn’t be able to stop ex taking DC. Hopefully solicitor can help. Will checkout Gingerbread too. Am already enrolled on Freedom Programme and due to start this month 😊

It's no problem at all and I'm sorry you're in this situation.

Try the National Debtline who may be able to give you some advice on the debt. They may be able to help you negotiate with your debtors, get interest taken off or a debt relief order if appropriate 0808 808 4000

You probably won't be entitled to Legal Aid but the info I provided gives you advice on accessing free representation or finding other ways of meeting costs.