Need some perspective please

[nannyi]

Hi there, I hope this is the right place to post this....
I have a new girlfriend who I’ve been seeing for 6 months. She’s really great in lots of ways but one thing that happened on New Year’s Eve is playing on my mind.
We were at a party at her friend’s house, with a big group of her close friends. Almost all of them smoke weed including the new girlfriend. This doesn’t particularly bother me but is definitely not my ‘scene’. They all kept going out on the balcony during New Year’s Eve leaving me in the house. She asked me if I wanted to come outside, which sometimes I do, but I hadn’t been too well over Christmas and didn’t fancy hanging around in the cold. Most of the times there were a couple of people staying in the house too so that was ok. To be honest, I hoped she wouldn’t go out quite so often as she did.
But it was the last time that bothered me. She left me on my own, which she knew, in her friend’s living room at 1am in New Year’s Eve (only for about 20mins). The feeling transported me right back to being a shy, unpopular teen and I can’t shake off that feeling. I felt like such a lemon, I thought those days were way behind me.

Over the last few days I’ve been feeling really sad about the situation. Part of me thinks I have more self worth than to be sitting on my own at a New Years party. I can’t think of a situation where I would do the same. On the other hand, it was such a small occurrence (and writing it down makes it seem really petty) I’m probably being way too sensitive and of course she going to want to join in with her friends if that’s what they usually do, I knew there would be some smoking and I put myself on the outside of the group by not going outside with them.
I guess I’m looking for a bit of perspective on the situation. Although I’m quite confident in most of my life, I’m definitely more introverted and not really a party animal, so was a bit nervous about the night anyway. I’m worried that’s clouding my thoughts. I haven’t spoken to my girlfriend about it yet and didn’t say anything at the time and I’m not really sure how to approach it or even if I should.
Thanks for reading, I’d really appreciate any advice

You are not compatible. She would rather smoke weed than spend the evening with you. You deserve better. Dump her.

Well, personally I couldn’t get exercised about someone leaving my side for 20 minutes at a party, and in your girlfriend’s shoes I would be impatient about someone who was nervous at parties and needed handholding or constant attention so he didn’t mentally revisit his lemon period teens, but I’m neither you nor your girlfriend — you’re the person involved. What do you think? Is the relationship generally making you happy? Are you socially compatible in general?

It was only 20 mins. I don't think it's a dumping offence if she is otherwise kind and supportive.

Sorry but there its just plain rude to leave you on your own at a party like this. My new bf smokes (cigarettes) but when he's out with me he rarely smokes as I know he doesn't like popping out and leaving me on my own in bars. Its not petty at all. I wouldn't like it either.
I do also agree you don't sound compatible so you may be best to think if this is going anywhere,.

She really shouldn't have left you alone in someone else's house in NYE while she socialised and smoked outside. That's not something a caring person would do. The only mitigating factor could be on NYE after a few drinks she didn't realise how long she had been out there or perhaps didn't realise you were on your own?

You have phrased it well here so perhaps bring it up next time you are going out with her group and ask if she intends on doing the same again. Keep an eye out for other selfish behaviour though as you sound like you definitely deserve far better and someone who enjoys more of the same things as you

You said she asked you to come outside every time so she didn't leave you inside, you chose to stay.

You know, it’s perfectly possible to imagine a thread from the girlfriend’s POV saying something like:

I brought my boyfriend of six months to a NYE party with a bunch of friends, and he was visibly nervous, wouldn’t talk to anyone other than me, got twitchy if I left his side, and even though I asked him if he wanted to come outside every time I went out to smoke on the balcony, he sometimes said he didn’t want to because he’d had a cold, and then he went all quiet and sad when I stayed outside for 20 minutes at 1 am. I can see him brooding about it since, and I’m getting a bit impatient. AIBU to not want to have to mother him at parties, or have him looking at his watch if I go for a smoke? Or AIBU think we’re just not compatible, that if we stay together I will think he’s a party pooper, and he’ll think I’m a heartless party animal?

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate the replies. Maybe it is a compatibility issue. I worry she would think that too @FeigningHorror. I don’t expect her to be next to me the whole time. But I see what you’re saying, I certainly don’t want her to feel she has to look after me all the time.

I'm in my 40s now and one thing I've learned over the years is never to stay somewhere I feel uncomfortable.

I know she's your girlfriend and you'd hope that she'd be more thoughtful but she wasn't. If you ever find yourself somewhere where you feel like that again...either make the effort to mingle with others or go home.

Stay true to yourself OP....don't put your worth in other people.

My Dh is more sociable than me...but he's sensitive to me. If he sees I feel a bit lost he will generally help me a bit. She's not very sensitive by the sound of it.

Thanks! Really good advice!
Just to be clear, her friends are very nice and I spent lots of time mingling with others, we played games together and separately.
I guess it’s the feeling I had that I can’t shake, there’s a big chance I need to just get over it

Also, it's a new relationship so over time you will get to know her friends more through shared experiences...then you'll feel more comfortable with them.

'I guess it’s the feeling I had that I can’t shake, there’s a big chance I need to just get over it'

It can be more difficult than that, otherwise you would've done it years ago. People think bullying and rejection isn't serious like being abused, but it can be traumatic and scarring. People can even get PTSD from it. I've had therapy for it, including EMDR. Would recommend.

I think it also helped me when I realised I had ADHD and autistic traits. It made me feel that it wasn't 100% my fault. Which isn't to say I don't constantly try and improve myself, but I don't start on a level playing field to others, so it's harder for me. IDK if it might help you if you thought of your experiences that way.

So sorry you're going through this- hugs. xxx

P.S. I think a lot of people would feel awkward if left on their own at a party too. I wouldn't put up with a stoner, anyway.

@Interestedwoman I think you're responding to a different thread than the one you commented on

But it wasn't just a one of 20 minutes was It?
Op said they kept going outside to smoke. So what they invited him? If you don't smoke why is it on him to go outside and be surrounded by stinking weed smoke while they all crack on just so he can actually spend time with his gf at a party? I can't imagine that would be much fun for him.

Maybe once or twice fair enough but to leave the person you arrived with frequently to go outside over the course of an evening is a bit crap. What's more important? Smoking weed or her bf?

@Willow2017 yes, it was roughly once every hour they went to smoke. Its interesting the person that said they wouldn’t date a stoner, I didn’t realize for a while how much she smoked (pretty much daily), so I guess it’s hard to say no when your friends are all going outside to get stoned.