Help! I need step parent/relationship advice

[Kel9]

Hi thank you for coming to my thread I really need to vent and get some advice.

I’ll try start at the beginning. I’ve been with my other half for 3 years. We both have previously been married and both have sons from our marriages. Mine is 7 and his is 8.

My man had weekend access and when he stayed alone his son would stay overnight with him on Saturdays. This arrangement was due to him working away.

I have my son most of the time and my ex has him lots too as we try to make it 50/50 due to our work and the fact we co/parent really well. My ex is not so lucky with his situation.

He separated from his ex after his son was born and they don’t co/parent well. In the past his son has been used as a weapon and more recently his son has been told by his own mother that I will never be his step mum nor will my son be his brother. Due to my partner now living with me his son now will only visit and not stay. We have a suspicion that his mum has a lot to do with this but of course I don’t get involved.

When his son is over the boys are great together and I treat both the same. Just recently though the stress of the situation is causing my partner and I to bicker. My partners mum came to ours for dinner and the conversation came to about his ex. It was mentioned that my man should go to see a solicitor which I agreed he should. There’s more to the story but I won’t go into detail. In the end we argued when his mum left as he feels I go on about it.., which I don’t feel is true.

He said his son will come round when he is ready. So it was left at that.

Then a few days ago the boys were playing in there room and it was basically trashed. I told both to clean it and in the past I’ve said this constantly to them. My other half said that he didn’t support what I was saying as his son only comes on Saturdays and he would not be telling him to tidy the room. He even said why should he clean my sons mess! Now I lost the plot and said that whilst his son is here both boys have the same rules I can’t allow them to cause a riot in the house one day a week., because I have a son too who needs rules! How can I win?

I went to work that night and we were not talking! How can I get round this? Am I wrong to treat them the same whilst his sons here? I’m so frustrated and now feel I can’t even mention the situation to him any more.

Sorry for the long Post.

He needs a court order - an 8 YO is not old enough to make the adult decision on contact (I suspect he’s refusing to stay to please mum).

If he doesn’t formalise contact you’ll have years of his ex’s control & manipulation.

Yes his son should tidy. Your OH is being a Disney dad and isn’t doing the boy any favours. Kids need boundaries.

I’m a DSM and it’s hard. Can you talk to him when the situation is less emotionally charged? The problem is his (not yours) and he needs to deal with it.

Northernspirit

I agree he needs to go to court! I just can’t say to him about it. I’ve said I’ll always be there to listen but I’ll not advice him. It’s really difficult 🙈

I suspect your right about my step sons mum and her influencing the situation. She doesn’t spear you be encouraging at all which is another step back.

That’s what frustrates me I just think that it’s all fine being a fair weather dad but we have two boys here that need boundaries but I almost feel that the situation is dividing us and I don’t want that. X

Living together isn’t going to be a long term success with all these issues and it isn’t fair on your son watching this all play out in his home.

Such a disparity in parenting philosophies would be a dealbreaker for me. Do you really want to be labelled a ‘nag’ because your bf won’t stand up to his Ex for the sake of his child.

It’s hard but in the past I’ve learnt to let him deal with things and I’ve just been a support.

We are engaged To be married and it’s not as easy to just feel like it’s too much and to walk away. X

Engaged! This isn’t a minor difference of opinion this is a significant issue which doesn’t have a cat in hells chance of being resolved if he isn’t prepared to advocate for his sons best interests. He’s also being disrespectful to you by expecting you to STFU about a situation that impacts you.

Support and enabling are two different things and by letting him hold his son’s behaviour to lesser standard will only contribute to greater problems in the future.

Take a step back but DO NOT MARRY HIM in the hope that it will work itself out because it hasn’t thus far.

So he doesn’t want to clear up your boys mess but you’ve got to clear up his boys mess? Hello?? Do you want to be his slave woman? I can see that he wants to get married cos it will ensure the slaving but I don’t think it’s going to be quite so rosy for you. I don’t have anything to offer about the step family dynamics, I don’t have step children, but I can’t see this working out for you and your boy.

Think of the divisive messages he is sending to both boys. His behaviour is fostering fertile ground for resentment between the two and as the parent who is allowing him to do so, you are complicit.

I'm a stepmother and it's been a joy. But it would have been a disaster if DH and I hadn't been operating as a team.

Please don't marry this man unless or until things have significantly improved. I'd guess your DP is so scared of not seeing his DS.that he won't do anything that might potentially rock the boat.

Prawnofthepatriarchy

This is it!! He doesn’t want his son to not want to come here and see him he’s scared! I get that. We had another chat this morning and he initially was being a baby saying I’ll tell him to stay out the room blah blah blah...he said the rooms always a mess he shouldn’t be tidying my sons mess.

I was upset and he has apologised. I told him that we both need to be working together not separately!!! This has been the worst it’s ever been we’ve never had major disagreements about his son before.

Hence the reason we are engaged and are happy... he’s very doting towards me and this has completely thrown me of! X

... I should add it’s me that’s decided to not get involved! With his son I’ll always be thee but in regards to politics with the ex and his parental rights I’ve told him to go see a solicitor x

TBF on everyone I am a stepmum to. Children are not born in the world to have a stepmum. If your dh doesn't support you with the same rules you have for your DS then it's definitely not going to work. You need to be a team to back eachother and and get the both boy's doing the room. It's not ever going to be easy for you as the biological mother has perent responsibility for your dss. So I would say to your dh for your own well being to see his son somewhere alce. My dss I brought up with his dad when he was 7 without contact from his mother. He has a amazing job owns property and well educated. It's not the same when the mother has responsibility. As you probably wouldn't like your DS to have a stepmum.

I understand how he may be scared of losing contant with his son if the rules are too strict. In future make sure that the room is tidy before his son comes over and you both go in regularly to make sure it doesn't get too messy.

Having disagreements isn’t unhealthy, it’s how those disagreements are resolved that can be.

Not everyone thinks the same and avoiding disagreements doesn’t change differences of opinion it only leads to the differences not being addressed which lets them fester and corrosion.

It’s time to have a proper chat, parenting out of fear doesn’t help anyone and the path of least resistent parenting is short term thinking with long term negative consequences.

Thank you for your advice and for allowing me to vent.

I sat my other half down after our squabble this morning and explained I’m concerned that this is affecting us going forward. I told him about my feelings on discipline for both boys when his son is here and explained why it’s important why both work together and clean the room. We had a calm conversation and he agreed that we should be on the same side and will pull his finger out in regards to the boys so it wasn’t me being the nag. I had to remind him that at the end of the day how I discipline my son can’t and won’t change when his son comes for a visit therefor it’s important for them both to be treated the same if both are doing wrong and he agreed.

He’s brilliant with my son and gets on with my ex, my ex has also moved on and I can honestly say it would not bother me for my son to have a step mum.

My man has a past and as a result a son. So long as he does not disrespect me or my son we will be able to communicate and move forward. I think my issue was that after first discussing this the other day we never sat down afterwards and addressed it so it grew in my head.

How do you other step mums deal with your step children in terms of discipline? X

I ended my relationship with a man I adored because of his son, I can't see this ending well

Thanks for your comments, I guess there is no relationship that doesn’t have any problems. It’s not a reoccurring problem for us as in the past we’ve been in this together so it’s caught me off guard. This is my second marriage so this is not my first rodeo lol, to say not to marry him over this is slightly premature and immature. Relationships take patience understanding and work. There has been no fedelity, abuse or disrespect we are disagreeing on the boys which we will resolve.

I’m thankful for your comments wise or otherwise 🙏

On a practical note, get you ds to tidy before ss comes round. Then any mess is shared.

If he solidified his access arrangements then he'd feel freer with regards to discipline and routines and tbh his son would feel more secure. Can you imagine when ss is a teenager and says to dad, you didn't fight for me??

Infidelity lol

Parenting when you are a parent is a major part of your lives, if you are not on the same page, then it is neither premature or immature to suggest holding back on getting married.

His Ex isn’t going anywhere soon and he/ you can’t work through these issues if he won’t acknowledge the role he plays.

I get it, ‘if it wasn’t for this one little thing, he would be the perfect partner’. However, this one little thing, is not so little and has the potential to be a lot bigger if he continues to bury his head in the sand.

I’m not saying you should break up with him but don’t screw your future over by ignoring your gut instinct in not being happy with his handling of the situation.

I totally appreciate your advice. It is difficult I’ll just have to see how it progresses and ensure we communicate. I’m very laid back a lot of the time and acknowledge my partner has a lot on his plate. He says that he feels he’s not as close to his son anymore but I think this is what his ex wants to achieve.

He knows my opinion on this now so it’s now down to him to show me he had my corner x