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Original poster

So I was right, now what do I do

19 replies

Hoppdoit · 03/01/2020 06:57

I have suspected my husband may have been having an affair for a while. Tonight I found proof and he admitted it. He said he thinks he loves her, and doesn’t think he loves me anymore. He said my anxiety (and inability to keep a job because of it) was just too draining and that we have grown apart...he wants to save for a house and I want to keep travelling which we can’t afford (I pushed to spend our savings on a big US trip after my mom died which he said he went along with but never wanted)

The problem is I understand all he has said, if he had of sat me down and had a serious talk with me I would have tried my hardest to change my ways. But it doesn’t really matter does it if he thinks he loves her and has really betrayed my trust.

I honestly Don’t know what to do. I feel like I have pushed him away and I will never get over this. I am too ashamed to tell anyone as I feel like they will be thinking I told you so as they thought it was weird I went on holiday without him sometimes.

I am devastated- we have only been married 2.5 years, he didn’t even try to save the relationship- what am I going to do, how will I ever get over this I still love him more than anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hoppdoit · 03/01/2020 07:02

He’s still here asleep on the sofa downstairs as he won’t go to work until 8 am.

I am shaking and a bit in shock. We don’t have children. I just feel like maybe I didn’t treat him well enough and now he’s found someone who will and I’m not sure how you can get over that.

OP posts:
Scarsthelot · 03/01/2020 07:10

I am sorry he has done it in such a shit way. But it does sound like you are incompatible in the long run.

Your life plans are different. Cab you honestly say you had no clue of his wants to buy a house when you spent money travelling? Or didnr know how kuch pressure he wa under when you couldnt keep a job?

Maybe counselling would have helped or at least maybe helped you see that its wasnt working.

In all honesty, I think you will find in the long run this is for the best. But you need to go get support, especially so you can hold down a job.

It doesnt sound like ling term this relationship would have made either of you happy Flowers

Pinkbonbon · 03/01/2020 07:11

You are different people who wanted different things. A leopard can't and shouldn't, paint itself with stripes, just to make the tiger happy. Because then it would lose part if who it is. A marriage should allow you both to flourish and grow as people, not contain and constrain you.

This isn't your fault. He is disloyal and cold and you are both two very different people anyway. Best to find this out now than ten years from now.

Hick his cheating ass out though! No matter how different you are, only scum cheats!

pog100 · 03/01/2020 07:16

It does sound like you can't change this relationship any more. However, you are catasrophising about the future, I guess because of your anxiety. Wherever age you are, you have a bright future ahead, with me relationships of you want them, maybe ones where you both have similar aims. Give yourself lots of time to get over it, visit a GP of your mental health needs it, and you will be OK.

PityParty4one · 03/01/2020 07:21

He chose to have an affair instead of talking to you. That's not your fault.

You will get over it but it will take time.

Please talk to family and friends you need support and you have nothing to be ashamed for. Do not get sucked in to keeping his dirty secrets.

Original poster
Hoppdoit · 03/01/2020 07:37

I feel really sick. I have been awake all night. I just can’t believe it’s over.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hoppdoit · 03/01/2020 07:38

He hadn’t even asked me to forgive him. He doesn’t love me anymore does he

OP posts:
81Byerley · 03/01/2020 07:46

You will get over it, but you need to grieve what you thought you had, and what you thought was your future. My biggest regret about when my first marriage broke up after 22 years because of his affair, is that I didn't tell him to leave immediately. I couldn't bear the thought that he would go to her, because I loved him. And do you know what? He went to her anyway, eventually. He had a very unhappy marriage to her, and I eventually met the love of my life, and realise that what I thought was love the first time round was a combination of a lot of other things, and none of them was anything near the absolute love I have with my 2nd husband. I still have contact with my first husband, and we have a mutually affectionate relationship, more like a brother/sister thing.
Confide in your friends and relatives, you need real life support.

SonicVersusGynaephobia · 03/01/2020 08:12

It does sound like the relationship has run its course, but it was cowardly of him to start another relationship without telling you it was over first.

You need to get some counselling and treatment for your anxiety, especially if it's stopping you having a job.

lovemenorca · 03/01/2020 08:14

He’s checked out OP, on every level

In any event, it really didn’t sound like you were compatible.

Just try to make sure that not everything is on his terms - as he’s on an emotionally much stronger position than you

Danni12 · 03/01/2020 08:19

I'm so sorry OP Flowers better to find out now rather than later though

parababe · 03/01/2020 08:34

I doesnt really sound like you want the same things from life...…? He wants the saving for a house and you want the travelling..... Maybe its also time to reflect on your anxiety issues.... I think it would piss me right off if my partner couldn't work/earn money due to anxiety issues, but would be quite happy to toddle off on another holiday by yourself..... sounds a bit strange to me...

GiveHerHellFromUs · 03/01/2020 08:46

It's shit that he did it in this way but at least it's happened now, rather than in 10 years time with 2 kids to worry about.

Take some time out to look after yourself OP.
Get some treatment for your anxiety and be able to stand on your own two feet before you think about meeting someone else.

You'll find someone you're compatible with eventually. He wasn't the one.

B0bbin · 03/01/2020 08:49

Stop blaming yourself. He has had an affair! That's a scummy way for him to behave. You may have had problems, but his role as your husband was to support you through rhem. If he had had enough he could have broken up before seeing someone else.

KatherineJaneway · 03/01/2020 11:59

He has been cowardly and betrayed you. What you do now is look forward to a new life that you will need to build for yourself. You do not sound like you wanted the same things in life. He wants to buy a house and settle, you want to travel. Unless you have excellent incomes that is hard to achieve.

You said I would have tried my hardest to change my ways, I confess someone who hadn't tried their hardest to cope with a condition that stopped them working would be an issue for a lot of people. Also when you reflect back later on, there may have been signs that you didn't see at the time that showed his frustration with this.

Sorry you are going through such a horrible time Flowers

Musti · 03/01/2020 12:21

Well you knew that he wanted to save for a house and you don't want to and instead are using the money that (he earns?) On travelling. Maybe look at counselling for your anxiety and finding ways to cope with working or find a job that doesn't make you anxious.

Interestedwoman · 03/01/2020 13:59

Don't blame yourself, he didn't have to have an affair. Everyone in a relationship will have to support their partner through one illness or another at the end of the day. I'm sure you would've supported him if he were ill/disabled. If he can't, he's a wanker.

@Musti ' finding ways to cope with working or find a job that doesn't make you anxious.'

Not everyone can do that unfortunately, in which case it isn't the person's fault.

@Hoppdoit Anxiety is awful and I'm so sorry you're going through it.xx Sad if you've tried medication. please go back so they can try you on something new or up the dose. There are dozens of things they can try, and eventually they'll hit on something that helps more than anything you've tried before. There are also hundreds of different types of therapy to experiment with. Best wishes xxx

Original poster
Hoppdoit · 03/01/2020 14:55

He said he wants to try and make things work but to be honest there has been a lot of blame (he felt he couldn’t talk to me etc) I do work I lost one job because my anxiety was terrible at the time and I didn’t feel able. He said he hasn’t found me as attractive lately because we both stopped making an effort. I am in total shock that he has been seeing someone behind my back despite all the signs being there. I am devastated yet don’t know what to do. It’s like I can’t bear to let him walk out the door as I’m terrified this is happening. No RL friends close by. And I don’t feel like the words would come out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hoppdoit · 03/01/2020 14:58

When I said Travel I meant holidays not long term travel. I do want to save for a house too but as we had decided we didn’t want children I thought it was something I was passionate about and made me excited. I did go overboard though and acted selfishly as I could tell he wasn’t that into it I guess. It’s the daily betrayal of an affair I can’t get my head round.

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