NC for this as I don't want it linked to my posting history.
DH and I have been married for 10 years and have young DC. Over the last few years our relationship has gradually worsened, no physical affection at all now, apart from sex. He's always been selfish, I've long suspected he suffers from depression (which he denies) and recently am starting to think narc tendencies. Or maybe just unbelievably selfish. I don't know. Thinking back over the last few years every birthday of mine has been spoiled by him (over something trivial).
Over these holidays relations and atmosphere have been the absolute worst they've ever been. He takes offence at literally everything I say, this escalates to an argument which then leads to days of silent treatment from him. Then when this lifts he takes offence again and the cycle continues. Horrible, toxic atmosphere at home and I've been in tears most days. He us unperturbed by this and any attempts I make to talk about things are shut down immediately - he'll either ignore me or leave the room. I've tried to keep this away from the kids but it's getting harder and harder especially as they are getting older and more aware than previously.
Finances are tricky, home is mortgaged but a self build on land he owns. So if we separate its not as straightforward as me buying him out. He won't leave.
I honestly have no idea what to do. I'm so scared to broach the subject of separation as once I do that it's out there and there's no way back, and I think that would irrevocably break whatever fragile state we may still have. Some days I resign myself to thinking we can just carry on, tolerate each other and keep up a front but most of the time I just feel so sad about it.
I know there is no magic solution so this post is more of a request for a handhold and outsider perspectives.
Sorry for the essay x