Handhold/ advice

[RamonaLark]

H left on New Year’s Day. Hellish 6 months of “confused feelings”, unsure of love and ?depression preceded.

He FaceTimed the children tonight and asked, but not outwardly, if I would like a call, I think so he can hear how things are going. I feel like he revoked his rights to my services as best friend/ wife and don’t know what to say because I also am very keen to have a very amicable split.

What vibe should I be going for with contact to remain amicable but also ensure my boundaries are clear?

The contact also reads a little patronising (not sure if it is my cynical brain). As in, he is doing just dandy and has what he wants but wants to check up on poor heartbroken me.

I think you are absolutely right OP. He can ask and discuss the dc with you. But if he wants a friend he can go and speak to one. I ended up being a friend and confidant to my ex for a while, in the vain hope he'd realise what he was throwing away. Trouble was he didn't and was just using me. I wish I'd kept it business like. That hurt more than when he left. He kept me hanging whilst he went and 'found himself'

Agree with @thereef
If he needs a reply, I would just simply say no everything is fine.
He can put that in his pipe and bloodywell smoke it.

I think he wants his cake and he wants to eat it. Keep the bits he likes 'such as friendship and someone who knows him', but still gets to check out of the relationship and not function within the rules and regulations of having a relationship

I would say no thanks. Although you wish to be amicable, right now it hurts and taking a step back for a week or two and just let him chat to the kids is probably all you should deal with from him right now.

You can have an amicable split by just being cordial about the children but everything else is no longer up for discussion because he is no longer your partner.

It is shit but he can find someone else to talk to.

How do I say that with absolute grace? I want to remain totally amicable and absolutely on the high road. He had not suggested any contact/ financial solutions or anything really. Just told the children we were separating and left.

When this happened to me and my dcs I would only respond by email, I made a e-mail folder named "To be opened at home" where any drivel he sent me would stored.

It was my way of dealing with the situation, I didn't always want to talk on the phone.

Just simply say 'no thanks, I'm fine' in a perfectly pleasant way.

I’d love a succinct phrase to indicate how very well I am doing, that I wish to remain amicable for the children, but other things no longer concern him as he is no longer my partner. I don’t feel petty in the slightest so would like it to read as pure strength and kind boundaries. I don’t know if that makes any sense.

What I wrote was that I was available if there was anything that he needed to discuss. Otherwise, we are getting on well. Maybe I should just leave it at that for now.

That sounds perfect OP. I'd leave it there if I were you

I would go with a plain, simple and to the point 'no thanks'.

Why would you be overly chatty to a man who has just torn yours and your kids world apart?

Thank you all. I think I was keen to lay all of my cards on the table and set out boundaries immediately but that will all come in time. If I continue along the lines of no thanks and we are fine he will realise I am not available for chit chat.

While you’re keen to remain amicable, it doesn’t sound as though he’s behaving in either a considerate or responsible way.
There’s not enough detail to know for sure but your OP sounds like he’s dumped you and left you to try and hold everything together.
If that’s the case, the less contact you personally have with him, the better.
Don’t confuse putting up with cruel behaviour with keeping things friendly.

You can set one boundary at a time, as they come along, but remember there's a big difference to setting a boundary and explaining yourself. In the words of MN 'no' is a complete sentence. You don't have to explain your reasonings to him any longer. If you don't want to do something, don't do it. He doesn't deserve or warrant an explanation, you're no longer in a relationship with him

That’s so helpful, thank you. He was my first and only relationship so I’ve never been through anything like this. Mumsnet has really helped me work out how to conduct myself, albeit it took me a while to gather the strength and self-worth. I did a terrible, and soul crushing, pick me dance for 6 months.

I now want to know how to conduct myself with utter self-respect whilst prioritising my children. I also want to stick to my moral and ethical principles so no nastiness, just the high road.

He hasn’t asked to see the children or offered any solutions regarding finances so I’ve just left it at that (it has only been two days). Usually I’d have worked it all out and be coming to him with a plan. I’m leaving him to do the legwork this time and just getting on with my life. It feels... odd.

Get yourself a few half hour free consultations and see where you stand, that way you won't get the wool pulled over your eyes

With a solicitor I meant