I'm scared of being alone

[Vintagehearts]

I'm mid 30s and have been in relationships since I was 15; First "love" proper boyfriend from 15 - 20 until we grew apart. Met new partner within months who became my dh for 10 years. At 30 I left him (he became emotionally abusive) and soon got into a rebound relationship for a year I until he became physically and emotionally abusive as he turned out to be a classic "on paper" narcissist.

Then I met the man I have been with for over 3 years now. The one I thought was so different and I really fell in love with him, like no man ever before. I truly adored him but the last year things have been on and off all the time. We don't live together and he has his own stuff going on. I've been dealing with alot too including therapy this year for childhood abuse and I've been depending on alcohol in the evenings to cope. Obviously this was doing me no good and I've stopped.

Mid December he said he needed a break to sort his own stuff out but I've become a needy mess and as a result he's treated me appallingly.

I have two dc (whom I had with my ex dh) who are now 11 and 13. Their dad and I co-parent well and they have a good routine.

I've done alot of thinking over the holidays and I know that whilst my dp has called a break (but I've been needy contacting him), I need to be on my own don't I?

The thing is I don't know how? The 5 years since my marriage ended has been a whirlwind. I do truly believe my current dp is a good person but the way he's treated me the last few months in particular has led to a rollercoaster for my emotions.

I suffer from depression and I am on meds for it.

I'm mid 30s, I don't need to worry about having children as I am content with my lot but I'm scared of becoming like my mother, as in my dad left when I was 2 and she was 36, and she's been on her own since.

I've seen her deal with loneliness as us kids grew up and left home. She even says herself "you don't wanna be like me and be alone for years and years..."

I'm scared. I'm scared of becoming lonely. I don't have that many friends and the ones I do have are preoccupied with their own families.

This feels good to get my thoughts out. Please be kind.

Bump

I think taking some time out would be good for you. Have you done the freedom programme, it'll help you to spot red flags and get out if relationships before the abuse. You seem to me, from your OP to jump into serious relationships quite fast. I had a similar pattern, and it did spring from a fear of being alone, and a feeling of needing a man. Maybe you could after a break find a way to just have fun, you're still quite young, you don't want any more children and that is quite freeing. How is your work situation?

I have thought about the freedom programme but I don't like the idea of going to a group.

I think I have a fear of abandonment which stems from my father leaving me and hence why I become needy, even if the situation isn't right for me.

My work is ok, I work during school hours to fit around the kids. The last year though hasn't been great because I'm being bullied by my line manager and I'm on a constant battle. Even going above her to complain hasn't done me any favours and the more emotionally drained I become, the worst it gets...

Hi Vintage. You're not the first to get into rebound relationships, or to stay in bad relationships, because you are scared to be on your own. I was like you - from the age of about 14 I was always in relationships. I never managed to build or keep friendships (and never really tried to) as I was so focussed on my partner. This all changed in my late 20's when I ended a relationship that was so bad I had no choice but to leave (I had DC by then). By then I recognised what I'd been doing and realised I needed to be on my own for a while - I remember putting a minimum time of two years in my head at the time. It was doubly important for me not to jump into any bad relationships because of my DC. It was hard at first - I had never been on my own as an adult and I was even nervous about being in a house overnight on my own. I would feel lonely sometimes but for the first time in my life I made the effort to make new friends - and reconnect with old ones. Gradually I did build up a real network of friends and a year or so down the line I remember suddenly realising I was happy being single and was really enjoying my independence - friends were genuinely enough. I remember thinking that if I met somebody now, he would have to be pretty special for me to change my situation. I went on dates, but naturally became much more picky, really thinking about how well suited somebody was for me, and how much I really liked him. As sad as it sounds, previously I would have clung on to anybody half decent and then kid myself they were perfect for me. After about a year of dating I met my (now). Looking back now I really don't think we would have ended up together had I not spent some time being single, and becoming a more confident and independent person, first.

Sorry that was so long. Also meant to say counselling could help you with your abandonment issues. Would you consider that? If not there are some really good self help books on the subject.

Urgh sorry for typo. Meant to say I met my (now) DH...

Thanks Badtasteflump. I think that's what I need to do. I already have a head start because we don't live together so it's a case of no.contact for me rather than having to sort out living arrangements/organising bills etc.

I'm just scared that I'll be on my own forever like my mum. I want to have some time alone but not forever...

It doesn’t sound like you love yourself enough and are looking for someone else to make you happy.

You need to research Complex Ptsd that is all about trauma in childhood.
Richard Grannon is good on YouTube.

Also I recommend watching some relationships videos on YouTube by:

Matthew Hussey
Susan Winter
Alex Cormont
Derrick Jaxn

You need to work on yourself esteem and confidence.

Fill yourself up and your life and don’t not look for other people to provide it for you!

I always think it is better to be on your own and happy than be with someone in a miserable relationship.

Thank you lexie I will look that up

It's unlikely you'll be on your own forever and (as I'm sure you know) you need to stop listening to your mum! Looking for a relationship from a position of fear means you'll put up with anything. If you concentrate on building up a group of friends you won't be lonely, and the more friends you have, the more people you will meet through them. Forget men for now and put all that thought and effort into getting yourself a social life. The chances are somebody will then pop up without you even seeing it coming.

Honestly, you have nothing to learn. If you have been raising your kids on your own without a man in your house, you already know how to be on your own.

Use this time well, and deal with all that stuff that is stressing you out, once all the things are sorted, you will be ready and in a better position to find someone who is right for you.

You are not going to end of your own, but you need to feel great about yourself before you can attract the right person.

Just give it a shot. If you've never properly been on your own then maybe your fears of being alone (you will never actually be 'alone' if you have kids who are around the majority of the time, so it's being without a man you are afraid of) are exaggerated. You never know you might really like it!