Abusive relationship- has anyone done the Freedom Program ?

[Neverlovedya]

It actually took me a while after breaking up to realise that it was abusive.
He told me that I needed loads of plastic surgery in order to be pretty, that my teeth were horrible. That I had a hunchback, that my legs were covered in ugly veins, that I wasn't hair-free enough. He made fun of the way I spoke and tried to convince me I had a big lisp when I don't, said I had a big nose.

He criticised my eyebrows constantly (they're just eyebrows ffs !) and when I got a pixie cut, screamed and had a tantrum for hours saying I looked like a lesbian.

He had a massive tantrum over an outfit he didn't like, screaming why can't I dress like 'normal girls' and made me bin them.

Our relationship was secret for the first few months because he said 'people would make fun of it' if they found out.

He used to tell elaborate stories about how his female friends fancied him and that he had slept with a few of them (discovered it was all lies).

Let me pay for majority of stuff even though he earned nearly double my salary.

Smoked weed daily (massive red flag) and went out every weekend which I was never invited to. Later admitted he was 'embarrassed' of me because I didn't drink much and was shy.

Slapped me a couple of times, shoved me out of the front door if we had argued and threatened to 'smash my face in' once. Also lit a lighter right in my face once when he was annoyed at me.

Tried to force me to have sex once and I had to push him off of me a few times.

Told me constantly I was boring, no passions, people didn't want to know me, people didn't find me interesting.

Said horrible stuff about my family who had let him say at their home for 3 weeks and tried to isolate me from them, throwing a massive tantrum if I went to see them for a few days. Had another dit when I dared to let my Mum and brother stay at ours for 1 night as we had a spare bed.

Called me 'nothing' and 'a parasite'. Started an emotional affair with a 'friend' at work and later cheated with her. Was in a relationship with her within days of us breaking up for good so probably beforehand too.

Told me I was 'like a child', 'too clumsy' 'couldn't do anything'.

And more. Now I recognise he is a monster and severely damaged. He actually told me once he had only pretended to cry when his Grandmother passed away.

He was so unhappy with himself that he wanted to reduce me to a shell. I lost a lot of myself and i'm so glad the relationship finally ended.

He sent me an apology by email but it's not enough to make up for years of abuse. I want to fully regain my confidence and go on to have healthy relationships.

Just wondered if anyone else had had similar experiences and tried the Freedom Program or counselling ?

Freedom Programme and counselling sound like a great idea.
Congratulations on your freedom

He sounds cluster b personality disordered. Research narcissists/ sociopaths/psychopaths.

This is much more complicated getting over the end of a relationship with someone personality disordered.

The Freedom programme will be good for you and will open your eyes to just how much abuse you went through and how to look out for red flags in the next relationship.

Research about Complex Ptsd it is ongoing childhood trauma. Most people who end up with a narcissist etc have had a dysfunctional childhood and are used to abuse.

Also watch videos on YouTube by:

Surviving narcissism
Sarah Speaks
Narc survivor
Melanie b Evans
Dr Ramani
Richard Grannon

Also buy the book by Lundy Bancroft: Why does he do that?

I hope you get a lot out of the Freedom programme.

Thanks a lot for the help 💐

Freedom Programme plus therapy. You'll need and benefit from both.

The Freedom Programme gave me the knowledge and tools to make sense of what had happened, all the "why?" questions and create a foundation so that I was ready and equipped for trauma therapy.

Although I appreciate some people find it helpful, personally I disagree with the trend to "diagnose" all abusers with personality disorders by way of explanation. I think it puts them on a special monster pedestal they don't warrant and potentially leaves people at risk of not spotting future abusers if your expectation is that they must conform to certain personality types. They're just regular people with shitty beliefs making unpleasant choices.

Recovering from an abusive relationship is recovering from an abusive relationship, but everybody's trauma is different. What you experience and what helps you may vary from me to every other traumatised poster here.

Freedom Programme gave me hope for the future because it covers healthy relationships and warning signs too. It shows you what life could and should be like and makes sure you have the skills to spot abuse properly, rather than by comparing all new people to the ex you know was abusive (which is a recipe for ending up in a relationship with a differently abusive person rather than a healthy relationship).

Abuse is about power and control, not monsters. Even if their actions may be monstrous at times.

I found the Freedom Programme transformative. I hope it helps you and I hope you can access trauma therapy that's right for you.

If you find reading helpful I would also mention Judith Herman's Trauma and Recovery. Lots of people also find Pete Walker's book on Complex PTSD From Surviving to Thriving and Bessel van der Kolk's The Body Keeps the Score helpful too. There's also a book called Recovering from Trauma Through Yoga by someone whose name I forget (David ??) that seems helpful to lots of people.

Yes I've done Freedom. Made me realise even more was wrong than I thought

He sounds like my father and my ex-boyfriend. My father has always insulted my mother and put her down and been violent most days until he got too sick. I'm pretty sure my ex is a psychopath. He went for counselling after we broke up and called me crying saying he didn't know why he was with me because he'd never loved me and was actually disgusted by me the whole time. He was nasty to me almost from the very beginning. It actually took a short relationship with a guy who wasn't as terrible as what I was used to for me to do the Freedom Programme. I did it online. I'd come across most types of abuse but I hadn't got a clue what "The Friend" is like. It's really helpful to learn how you should be treated so you don't fall for a different type of abuser, which I almost did recently.

I tried to explain to my mother recently that nothing my father said to her was true and that he did it to destroy her confidence because deep down he knew a confident woman wouldn't put up with him. He criticised the way she spoke, her hair - often said she looked like a lesbian, the shape of her lips, her body, her weight, her intelligence, her clothes, everything. He hit her almost every day for over 30 years. She won't accept it's domestic violence or abuse.

Well done on ending it. Life is going to be much better from now on.

Do the Freedom Programme, read the Lundy Bancroft book. Read everything you can about abuse and boundaries and self-esteem. It's the best thing I ever did for myself.

It really helped me
There is something about sitting through the character types (types of abuse ) and nodding your head to really help you realise that it’s a really fucked situation

I am a measly week free ! And I am also struggling . Struggling in my
Confidence how to parent and highly daunted by my ability to bring up 2 boys after so many years of shit

But it’s really worth doing , and I also want therapy too

I Am very sad to read he made such cruel comments and behaved like that . I just don’t understand the cruelty

Anyway . It’s a good
Programme . Recommend

Thank you for all the support. I am really sorry to hear what PPs have been through. I'm so glad that you are also free of these situations and that the Freedom programme/therapy have helped you.

I've had a look at the programme and it looks fantastic, and I have just enquired about booking myself a place on the course.