Dilemma

[fortunacookie]

I have a little boy who turns 7 in two weeks. His father and I had a fling 7 years ago (we were both separated from partners) and he resulted, his dad then went back to his wife to try again and I had the baby. We did the DNA test and when he found it he was his we have continuously shared our child between houses ever since. There have been a few hiccups along the way but all three of us (his wife too) have firmly believed that our son’s happiness came first.
In those 7 years my son’s father and his wife have split up several times, usually her instigating it. She tends to go back after a few months but in September last year she left him again and he said enough was enough and wasn’t going to go back. In those last 3 months his Dad and I have done the lion’s share of parenting and his step mum has been helping out with school run here and there. When they were a couple his Dad and myself didn’t have much to do with each other as I just found it easier to make arrangements through his wife as we get on fairly well. She has always treated my son brilliantly and loves him very much.
Now here lies the problem….over the last 3 months since they split his father and I have been getting on really well, chatting a lot over text and at Christmas this has escalated to us doing things with our son, going out places and me going over to his house and spending time there and as a result we have grown very close which has resulted in us sleeping together. We realise we have and I think always have had feelings for each other and want to see each other eventually with a view to a relationship but obviously this may cause problems as they own a house together, are still married and the situation of the past 7 years just makes things very difficult. His father is really worried about the repercussions of what might happen but we are getting very close and I’m starting to fall for him.
Am I wrong? Should I continue this, I know its kind of wrong but we are both single. Not sure what my little boy will make of it either. Just seems a mess at mo.
Any advice gratefully received.

He really doesn't sound like long term relationship material to me to be honest.

So I guess it all depends what you want in life.

@NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1

He been with his ex 20 years (albeit on and off)

I would try very hard to put the brakes on and let him deal with the ending of his marriage. If he is serious about you, he will be keen to sort things as quickly as possible. If the two of you are meant to be together, it will be worth it to take it slowly and handle things properly.

Yes we've both agreed to take it really slow for everyones sake I'm just afraid my boy will lose his step mum too

My little boy saw us cuddle ...confusing for him

I think he needs to sort one relationship out before he begins another.
This has the potential to be a right emotional roller coaster. Even tho your son’s stepmother may have instigated the split the relationship built between you, your son and her will be severely tested. He may be genuine in his feelings for you, but it all sounds a bit convenient (very convenient for him) to me.
Sorry I don’t mean to hurt.

Historically he has always gone back to/taken this woman back. Sounds like he can't be alone. I'd let him figure his marriage out. I bet they will get back together in a few months.

Thanks for your replies ...I don't think he will go back this time but I guess time will tell .

He been trying to keep the relationship casual for the time being but it's me that wants more

I would back off a bit OP. If he is trying to keep it casual and you want more this could be very hurtful for you.

Yes that's true..he has a few problems too n I might be adding to them if I'm honest but I care for him

It’s risky territory. Be honest with yourself: if his wife comes back again will he ditch you for her again and accept her back like he has done in the past? If you think no, then go ahead but let him at least finalize his divorce first.

If I’m being really honest - it really doesn’t sound like the recipe for a happy ending and it sounds like you might end up getting hurt. So whatever you do, i’d put your guard up a bit and be cautious.

I think you really need to slow down here for your sons sake.

Please don't take this the wrong way but I think that your ex just sees you as easy... someone who's still hanging on to hope 7 years later. Someone comfortable who he doesn't have to try too hard to impress.

Leave him to sort out his marriage and if in time the feelings are still there then you need to start "dating" him and not just become a replacement wife for him.

Put yourself and your son first OP and call a halt to this sexual relationship as I don't think it will turn out well for you as he is just on the rebound from the other woman and I reckon he will go back if she gives him the chance. You are any port in a storm I suspect.

I'm not really hanging onto hope as I've seen other people in those 7 years...to be honest we didn't have much to do with each other up until a few month ago.

I'll just see how it pans out but I appreciate your replies and have taken them on board

I’d speak to your son ask him how he feels. Does he like having family days? Does he like you two chilling out together? if he’s happy I’d maybe speak to your ex about your future.
I do think you need to slow it down as he is still married and that does need addressing first and foremost, but if your happy together and your son would be happy why shouldn’t you make a go of things! I’d maybe keep it discreet so your son doesn’t know too much that way if it doesn’t work out he won’t be hurt by it.

When I pick him up his dad has been making me tea and so had some meals together which my son has enjoyed and has actually said to his dad that he wants mummy to be his girlfriend 😀 his dad said he was quite shocked !

I'm fond of his wife too so I'm hoping she will eventually accept it should we stay together

Slam the brakes on for the sake of your son. Speak to him about what, if anything, he wants. Set your boundaries and take it slowly. Make sure it's really over for your own sake as well as your son's.

Yeah that's good advice Glosswitt thanks

Does your ex have children with his wife?

And are you and your child the reason why his wife keeps leaving him?

Has he got other kids? With his wife? Otherwise I can't work out why you seem to refer to her as if she's a permanent fixture in your ds life, which surely she isn't anymore if they've split up? Unless they are also co-parenting?

I don't think I'd touch him with a barge pole either way tbh. He had an affair with you, he's a cheater in general. He's been on and off with his wife for 7 years but he hasn't looked at you twice, and then 5 minutes after they've supposedly split for good he's all over you like a rash, already shagged and he's setting up to just slot you in as the replacement wife. It's like he wants a relationship for the convenience but with whoever's nearby so no effort getting to know someone etc.

No he doesn't have kids with her but they both have grown up kids whom my boy loves too.

She been in his life since he was a baby that's why she still sees him as they love each other

Hollowtalk ...no she doesn't leave because of me. I got with him when she'd left him seven years ago and in my sons lifetime they have split 3 times including this time

I've know his dad years btw we are from the same town and have mutual friends