Setting and Maintaining Boundaries with people

[parmesan189]

I grew up in an abusive family so for many years, didn't know that I had any rights to be treated with respect or kindness by anyone. Anyone means in intimate relationships, friends, colleagues or family.

I didn't learn the skills necessary to stand up for myself and I always put other people first. That's the way I was brought up and didn't know any different.

I started reading about abuse in my 30s and have read a few books on boundaries but am still unsure about how to go about it. I still second guess myself and don't trust how I feel. I still feel as though everything is my fault and that other people are always right.

I have had counselling some of which helped, not all of it was helpful, especially the finger pointing which I've had all my life. It doesn't work to blame me for other people's behaviour but several counsellors blamed me for putting up with it even though I didn't know how not to.

I'm just wondering how to set a boundary.

Say for example, I have a friend who is late. Normally I wouldn't say anything. I can give an example.

I met a friend through a hobby. We had a lot in common and I don't have any friends so of course jumped at the chance to have one.

I knew her for a few months before she told me that she was undergoing chemo. She lives ten minutes up the road so I would drop by (invited obv) on my way to an appointment once a week to make sure she was ok. I did my best to support her and I organised things for us to do to take her mind of it such as the cinema etc which I paid for.

My friend was always late. We're talking 40 minutes to an hour with no text or phone call to let me know and no apology when she got there. I let her get away with it (even though I hate being late myself and really resent people being late) because she was ill and I thought it was because of the chemo etc.

She recovered successfully and was doing all sorts of things like yoga, travel etc and was still late, still not apologising and the events that I was still paying for, were me basically chaperoning her as she'd turn up and leave immediately afterwards. Normally I would arrange for us to meet half an hour or an hour earlier so we could catch up and chat. Because she was always late, I was just going into the cinema and going out of the cinema with her. Although we also met for lunch or dinner and went to exhibitions etc

How should I have handled this? I have no idea as whenever I think of confronting someone, I start to shake and feel sick. I find it very difficult to assert myself. If I tell her I don't like waiting and would appreciate her being on time, and she isn't, what do I do then?

Didn't want to read and run. Continue with the therapy, Build your self esteem and confidence. Go LC with this friend of yours and see if the dynamic changes. Have a read up on gray rock. She sounds a little narcissistic

Thank you for your response. We are no longer friends as I got fed up with her behaviour. Other things happened, not just this, like her husband being really nasty to me. I haven't seen her in a long time.

I was just using it as an example.

My thoughts are find a therapist that you click with , try NLP or Havening maybe instead of counselling . Expand your circle so all your friend eggs aren't in one basket . Unless your friend is broke and your super flush , stop paying ! You sound a lovely person , thoughtful and kind , your worth a friend on equal footing . Maybe , when your out for lunch and she hasn't been late , just say , I know your casual with timings and after what you've come threw your entitled to be just how you like ! I , however get the twitches . So if I suggest 2 but you know your going to be nearer to 3 , that's fine , just tell me so I'm not sitting here like a lemon ! You can keep it light but get your point across. Iv heard good things about meet up maybe you'll find like minded friends there . Good luck 💐

@parmesan189, brilliant name! Parmesan is my favourite cheese. I had a similar childhood to yours. I have found myself struggling not only with boundaries but also with putting my needs on an equal footing, at least, with those of others. My siblings and my STBXH have no difficulties with putting themselves first, and I have enabled that to my own detriment. This has also extended to work and friendships. I am starting to set boundaries by not being afraid to do what I need to do to keep myself safe and to feel my values and expect them to be respected consistently. What is interesting is that I have received massive pushback from family and STBXH. That pushback has taken the form of emotional manipulation - making people feel ‘sad’ and risking pushing people away. I am trying to be consistent in my interactions, and it’s important to pick my battles.

Your therapy will help. Meet up can be good too. Mindfulness is another technique that may be worth a try. You could look at some TED talks on assertiveness. It sounds like you have made some really positive changes on which to build towards becoming awesome.