How to help my boyfriend love himself

[cali6]

I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years and we have a perfect relationship. The only thing is he really doesn't look after himself, and it's getting to a point now where he is often sick and unwell. He's put on around 3 stone since we got together. I am now pregnant and we're expecting our first child in the Spring, I thought this would give him the kick he needed to be a bit healthier but it hasn't.

He lives off processed food and fizzy pop and never touches fruit or veg and never does any exercise and brushes his teeth once a day and sometimes not even that. I bought him a full skincare routine for Christmas to maybe give him a discreet push in the right direction but he's hardly touched it.

I don't want to sound like a horrible person but I just really wish he looked after him self better. I don't want him to become a buff gym obsessed guy but I also don't want to be a single mum cause he's had a heart attack from to many maccies!! It's starting to effect our sex life to and I just don't know how to bring it up to him and help him make a change.

Has anybody else had experience in this? I know it brings him down they he's classed as 'obese' and that he wants to change but then doesn't do anything about it. Is there anything I can do to help him without pushing him to far or hurting him?

No, there's nothing you can do to push him. He has to want it for himself. When people show you who they are, believe them. You have chosen to procreate with a person who doesn't want to function as a full adult and take responsibility as a parent (part of this is looking after yourself). People like this don't change unless they want to personally. It's like quitting smoking or losing weight, you have to want to do it for you or it will never work.

Focus on yourself and getting yourself organised. You can't change him and stop 'helping', it's flogging a dead horse. At most you can speak to him like a mature adult, but IME, people like this usually get defensive when you bring it up. Worth a try, I guess.

When I got together with my partner, he was nearly 30 stone, gamed a lot, ate takeaway only and had poor sleep habits.

I said that I found him attractive as he was (the truth) but I would struggle to have a long term future and a family with someone so unhealthy (I run marathons and enjoy cooking!). He was fairly unhappy with the situation himself and had recently had some worrying medical results.

Over the next 18 months he moved flat from a studio with poor kitchen facilities to somewhere with a proper kitchen, learnt to cook some simple healthy meals, adjusted what he ate at work to up his veg intake and joined the gym with a bit of a push from me. Now we go together 2 mornings a week and his sleep naturally improver when he improved the weight.

He’s lost the weight slowly but sensibly, with permanent and maintainable lifestyle changes and is much happier as a result. The key was though that he wanted to do it and decided on the method. I just talked it through with him and advised him where required as well as giving gentle nudges where required.

You can’t make anyone change, they have to want it for themselves. And I stuck to my side- we moved in together and got engaged when he’d been sticking to the healthy lifestyle for a year consistently. We know enjoying meal planning and cooking together and I’m so proud of him. And really really flattered that he went to such lengths to make sure we have a healthy happy future.

His behaviour is disordered. I'd wonder if he was neurotypical and if not, then he needs specialised advice on how to get back on track. It could also be due to mental health issues including the effects of medication.

If it's none of the above, then I would have a frank discussion with him and gently let him know it's impact on you. Let him know that you'd like him to change his behaviour and that you're unsure if you want to continue the relationship if he continues like this. If you do express ultimatums, then be prepared to carry through on them.

Another alternative may be relationship counselling.

Tell him that you think it would be a good idea, before the baby comes for you both, as prospective parents to have a health MOT. On the back of the results, work with him to have a healthier diet. Go walking and swimming together. Get him busy decorating and building flat packs. Give him loads of encouragement. Make delicious healthy foods and show him some 'cheat' swaps, like having homemade turkey burger and oven fries instead of chips and big mac etc. Or grilled bacon, poached eggs and tomatoes with wholemeal toast instead of a fry up. Tell him the calorie difference and encourage him to make healthier choices. If you do it together it will be a while lot easier for him.

No, there is nothing you can do other than tell him how you feel. Any changes he makes have to be owned by him and driven by him, or else either he won't engage or it won't stick. "Keeping him busy building flat-pack furniture" (!) is not going to transform an unhealthy lifestyle (or even add much to his calorie burn).

Think about what you will do if, as is very likely, this doesn't change. Are you OK with that? If things are still like this in a year, three years, five years... Is that something you can live with?