I’ve been married to a wonderful man for nearly 25 years. We have children together.
He seemed distracted 8 years ago - on holiday and after work. He was very busy setting up a new business. I helped a lot too and thought we had it sorted.
We’ve always been open with phones and stuff and one night I got up and I checked his phone and sure enough there were messages to a workmate about meeting up for coffee. It had obviously been regular. And there were xxx at the end of the texts. I felt like my world was ending as he’d always been at pains to seem loving and completely faithful.
He’d also been keen to tell me that he was far too busy for any kind of gossipy info when we each discussed our days when we got back from work, when in fact he’d actually been out over lunchtimes with this woman on the pretext of giving her advice away from the office. He eventually told me that they had texted so much the previous year he realised it was wrong and said they must stop doing it as much.
It broke my heart. I couldn’t believe he could be so devious. And had lied to me. He let me see some of the exchanges which were painful to read but there were no protestations of love.
We went for couples counselling and It was very helpful.
He basically had an emotional affair - not physical- for about 18 months until I found out. A work wife. Someone he knew he had a relationship with he couldn’t tell me about. Disloyal.
We had a lot of ‘jealous sex’ at the time. We both tried very hard to make it better, although initially I said I couldn’t carry on with our relationship. I felt humiliated knowing that people at his work would have been gossiping. An ‘everyone knows but her’ scenario. He apologised profusely. He says it’s the worst thing he ever did. He says he would never do it again.
So over the years we have continued to develop a deep and intense marriage. He has over the years become very successful. He knows I am insecure. I look after myself. I work hard and try to be the best wife. He takes care over helping me to feel reassured. On the outside we have a perfect marriage.
But, stupidly, It doesn’t help that he is a nice person and people are drawn to him. He is also, as I say, very successful. My counsellor said that certain women try to climb the ‘greasy pole’ to success and she’s absolutely right about that.
One in particular that we sometimes meet socially touches his arm and flicks her hair at him and talks very intensely into his face. I can’t bear it and it gives me an upset stomach. He has only just realised that, in front of me, she deliberately makes out she knows him well and that she is one of many who flirt with him. They are work colleagues and she and he have a common interest. He has no real idea that that is happening.
But it all goes back to years ago and that horror and shock of seeing the first texts and knowing that this emotional relationship carried on behind my back. I’m still resentful. Still jealous. Still watch for unusual signs.
I sometimes feel I am going mad. It’s years ago and I still feel as in pain now as I did then. Less intense but still on edge.
Can anyone out there relate? Does anyone have any advice as to how I can put it behind me once and for all? I’ve read mindfulness books and tried self hypnosis. It’s like I am punishing myself - but I am still, deep down, angry with him.
I’ve not posted before so I’m not sure what to expect.
Thank you for reading. Sorry it’s so long.