My husband doesn't want to have a child with me

[greenflowerlime]

Hi all,

I hope you're well. I wonder if anyone can share their insights or experiences dealing with this situation if anyone had the same experience as below:

I am from Philippines and moved to another country with my husband. I am 28 and he's 34. We're 7 years in a relationship and married for 6 years. He has a 10 year old child and currently under the custody of the mother but we pick her up when it's our turn to have her.

I have been living here in UK for 5 years, my husband and I get along well. We both have full time jobs and recently got a puppy. We're all made up.

As how cliche it is, we have talked building a family before we get married but due to visa costs and able to enjoy our company together, we decided to complete all my visa journey which is 5 years first and go small holidays and a big holiday before we start getting pregnant.

2 years ago, he has told me he doesn't want children anymore. First one has been a trauma for him and I can understand however I am not the same person as the mother of his child who has abused him and pushed him to the edge almost killing himself. (They were not in a relationship and based on the story he was told she was on pill).
I told him that I always wanted to have children and it was heartbreaking that I had to make decision because I didn't like to be childless. We spoke about it and he has pleaded for me to stay and told me he wants to have children with me and build a family with me.

This year, he has told me again that he is not keen to have one as kids are stressful and he is already happy with what we have. He is also fearing that it might cause our relationship to go downhill if we start arguing about our children in the future and hate each other. He just really enjoys my company and being with me and be able to do things without too much mess and stress. I love him to pieces and we really are in love with each other but I am starting to worry.

I am due to finish my visa this year and also going to a big holiday with him. I can't help but to think that he might still tell me he is not ready after we have done what we have planned. I am 28 and clock is ticking.

At 28 you have time on your side so don’t worry too much. The problem is that I think you might have to decide what you want most, children or your current relationship, and if it’s children, don’t bank on him changing his mind. You may need to leave him and find someone else to have kids with

Kind of get your DH's take.he doesn't want the relationship dynamic to change (it will) . If you want children you need to split and find someone who wants that too whatever it entails.

Normally I would say that the wishes of the person who doesn't want children trumps those of the one who does. Having children is a big commitment and both partners have to want it.

However, in your case he has repeatedly talked about having a family with you then changed his mind, then flip flopped a few more times. Maybe he was just future faking i.e. telling you something you wanted to hear with no intention of doing it, or maybe he has just genuinely changed his mind.

Either way, I don't think you can trap him into having children against his will. Neither can he force you to stay with him if you want children and he won't have them. Sort your visa and then have the big discussion - but make sure you know in advance whether you are prepared to leave him. Also, because he doesn't want to lose you, it's quite likely that he will say something like "I'm not ready right now, but I will be in five years' time." Needless to say in five years he still won't be ready. So decide what your red lines are.

He is happy with what he has but you are not

If you really want children then this relationship is over and whilst he might like your company the relationship is going to be doomed

He needs to find someone who doesn’t want children and you need to find someone who does.

If you stay you will only resent him more and more

Personally I wouldn't give up someone I loved for a non-existing baby.

You just got a puppy too. Seems like a big commitment on your time already.

Are you unhappy in any other aspect of the marriage? If not, then isn't having a partner who loves you and a cute little pup enough?

If not then you would be wise to walk away. But know that you might not find a relationship where you are this happy again. And, kids still might not happen. Sometimes we can't have everything. Is it worth the gamble?

You cannot hang around hoping he will change his mind. He doesn't want kids.

He has told you his reasons for not wanting another child, and it doesn't sound as those will change any time soon.

If you really want children, you need to tell him this, and that it is a deal-breaker.

You are entitled to want children, just as he is entitled to not want children.

Unfortunately, there is no compromise. But you are young enough to find someone else who does want the same as you.

If he doesnt want children and you do then you need to move on you cant trick someone into being a father like his ex did

Thank you all for your insights.
He is aware I want to have children because I like kids and I am ready for it. That's where the dilemma comes from that he's right we are happy but I think half of my brain thinks I am being fooled for me to stay. Moving by myself here in UK was quite challenging. My family and friends are in Philippines and I think taking away the idea having my own family is also taking away a chance of me creating my own family here. We got a puppy and we're so loving him to bits, it also helped me massively to get settled and somehow feel that I have something on my own. I think some people will understand that having a step child is not a straight forward process we have ups and downs. The fact that he's expecting me to be a great step mom without having maternal instinct was quite challenging for the past years.

Trapping him? I will never ever do that. I promised myself that I will never do it to him because if I am that person, I would've done it straight away or anytime for the past 7 years. That's what the woman did to him reason that he tried to kill himself. I don't want him to put in a situation that looks like I planned for him for the rest of his life same as what the woman did to him. If we will have children ideally, I would like him to feel genuine about it and not being forced. However if he can swap his decisions twice, I am hoping that he will also swap it again genuinely. It maybe sound rude but I told him that I don't want my role to stay as stepmom forever. Mother's days kill me all the time.

About happiness, I am very happy but it's different from contentment. I love him so much that I'd like to picture we're building a family made of love.

I can understand that it will cause arguments but the thing is, we both have mindset that we are not enemies when we have disagreements that's why we rarely fight. I grew up in Philippines where all my family is close and laugh together gather together etc. We have big family too and it's quite worrying to think that I might not feel the same as the years go by.

I wouldn’t give up my chance to have a child. He has one already, you don’t
If he won’t have one with you personally I’d leave. Don’t waste your fertile years while he dithers

You’re simply going to have to leave. It’s not going to be easy. But you don’t have any other choice.

Leave OP and find someone who shares your dream.

He deceived you. He doesn’t want more children and has known that for some time and chose to string you along.

Funny how he’s prepared to be responsible for the trauma of you not trying for a child but acknowledging that having a child without his consent was traumatic for him. As much as you love this man, the resentment from his deception will crush you.

Do not give up your child ambitions by staying with a man who doesn’t want to be a father and is an obstacle for you becoming a mother.

That's where the dilemma comes from that he's right we are happy

But will you be happy 20 years from now when you can’t have children and he still can?

Whilst you might be happy at this moment in time, you can’t say that you will be happy in the future especially if you have had to give up on your dream

I completely disagree with a previous poster who said they’d never give up the man they loved for a non existent child. Every child is non existent until created! Men change like the wind. Who’s to say you’ll get to 50 and then your chances of having kids is over and his isn’t. He can father until he’s 70! He could dump you anytime and get somebody pregnant which happens all the time. NEVER EVER give up your dreams and chances of kids for a bloke. There are millions of blokes in this world. Find one who wants the kids with you.

Oh and remember this is effectively a death sentence for you at the age of 28. You’re done. Family, kids, over. If that’s what you want then fine but it’s not. So what’s the point of your life if you’re giving everything up!!

A death sentence? Are you mental? Not having kids is not a friggin death sentence. Even to those who want them and can't have them. Drama-queen much.

And 'family' can be created without children. She has a man who loves her, a puppy and her own anger husband's extended family. Not to mention presumably, friends.

Stop making not having kids some horrifying event. One in 5 women never do it and guess what, life goes on and many of them are perfectly happy. Just as many people with kids feel miserable and alone.

*and her

It takes a special kind of arsehole to not want kids with their partner because they already have them with somebody else, and not be blatantly upfront about that at the beginning and understand that it makes them a much, much less attractive dating prospect to most people. The kind that assume being a step parent to their kids will be enough for someone are taking the piss, I cant imagine ever wanting to be a step parent if I didn't also want to be a parent myself, ever. Who has enough maternal instincts to want that but not enough to want your own?

He is taking the piss by stringing you along like this. You need to make it clear that you will definitely want kids in the future/soon and the relationship will have to end if he isn't going to want the same thing. Remind him he is wasting your time biologically if he agrees to it just to placate you and doesn't plan on following through.

He's told you he did want kids, then didn't, then did, now doesn't again.

It's not fair on you.

He already has a child and said he finds that stressful.

You uprooted your life for this man and you deserve the life you were promised and he's taken it away from you.

I would leave him in your case. What if he says yes again to kinds, then in a few more years decides no again and you have wasted your most fertile years with this man.

He never really changed his mind - he was only telling you what you wanted to hear in order to keep you with him. When he feels you slipping away he will likely say he wants a child 'in the future' but that future is unlikely to ever arrive.

Thank you all.

In another aspect this affects me in some way such as self doubt, made my self confidence lower.
Am I not good enough to be a mother?
Am I not the one he's seeing to grow old with family?

I will be rude but the woman who did it to him is a very rough woman who uses her children to get benefits from government and not work. She is very vile and abused him to pieces when she got pregnant and constantly emotionally blackmailing him when she is not in the mood telling him that she will not let him see his child. She has 5 kids with different men and not working and yes, very ugly.

Until he met me, I picked him up from misery and put every piece of him back together. Until then he got his self confidence back from her abuse and able to stand for himself. I also got abused from her by calling me ladyboy (it was actually funny) and some sort of names however as years go by she knows how good I am and how good me and my husband to her daughter and set good examples so she has calmed down since.

I sometimes feel insulted that I know to myself that I am a very decent woman and intelligent but how come he was able to cope (just!) with the fact that he got a child with this kind of woman but not wanting with me? Is it my attitude? Am I not motherly enough? I don't know.

No, it isn't your fault. He just did doesnt want children.

It also doesn't make him selfish not to want more children! He doesn't 'owe' anyone children. Imagine if the roles were reversed, would you be saying a woman owed her partner kids? No. Of course not. Because that is nonsense.

And honestly I think he is making the right choice because his other childs' mother is toxic and makes trouble enough as it is. I would not want to bring more kids into that equation and create more drama. He has to consider the relationship with you and the child be already has. If he were to have another, I guarantee his ex would ramp up the drama and make your lives miserable again. Perhaps even make it difficult for him to see his child.

You have to decide what you want. But he isn't going to give you kiddies. If the relationship didn't work out down the line, remember that fostering and adopting might still be possible even if having your own isn't.

(Oh-my first paragraph was aimed at other posters calling him selfish, not u op).

Pinkbonbon

The woman is not his ex. It was a one night stand. So they didn't have any relationship at all. Met in the pub, did it and poop! Preggo.

Pinkbonbon

All my husband's family and friends don't know this woman, never seen her, met her, seen her picture. Nothing. They just see the child but never the mother.