Too soon?

[NotAProperGrownUp]

I’ve had such helpful advice on here over the last year, so your words of wisdom are appreciated!
Quick sum up - exh left me and the children almost a year ago after 16 years together. He eventually admitted to a year long affair with a colleague, and is now living on his own but they are still together and seem happy. Nightmare year of selling the house, buying a new one, working, supporting my children, trying not to go mad. Had therapy, feel ok after the initial trauma. Have sorted finances, contact with the children and done the divorce whilst remaining civil. I feel like I’ve done ok.
I decided to do a little casual dating... thought it might be nice to have a dinner out, meet interesting people etc. That mostly went well, but I wasn’t really looking for something more.
I then met a guy for coffee and just liked him. Felt familiar and connected. Have continued to see him while the children are away and we just click. I’ve met several of his friends and family.
Now, here’s where I need some help, is it all too soon? I’m torn between thinking I deserve to enjoy a bit of happiness and feeling like a shit mother. I keep reading that women should be on their own after divorce - for how long? And why? I don’t want or need financial support, don’t want to live with anyone etc.
I also don’t want a double life - my children know he exists and seem happy so far - but I’m terrified of messing them up and, if I’m honest, scared of being judged by others.

You sound like you've done all the right things to ensure that you're in a strong place following him leaving, so as long as you're comfortable and your kids seem happy then I really wouldn't take any notice of what anyone else thought (although after a year I certainly wouldn't think it was too soon as long as things didn't move too fast and by the sounds of things you're not going to rush into moving him in or making him a step dad to your children). You're certainly not a shit mother, and yes you do deserve to be happy!
And, if anyone does say anything: you waited a year after splitting to find someone else, whereas your ex did that a year before. I know which of you I judge!

You deserve to be happy and you've met someone you click with.

You've done all the right things. Just enjoy it!

I keep reading that women should be on their own after divorce

Where have you read advice like that?! Fuck that! Be happy. Obviously, your kids are still your priority, but you deserve to enjoy your life too.

@GreaterSpottedFemale you see advice like that all the time on here when a woman dates again and doesn't meet her perfect man straight away

@GreaterSpottedFemale yes, I read a thread the other day and there were loads of comments where people were shocked at women moving on after a break up of a long marriage. I’d still be married if my ex husband had been on board, but I’m not interested in holding anyone hostage so have made a choice to move on. I guess I’ve surprised myself that I could have feelings for anyone again!

It sounds like you have done everything right to me.

Me and my STBXH spilt two years ago after I discovered his affair and I started casually dating 6 months later, after a period on my own, sorting out my head and the kids. He split with the OW a few weeks ago and I met a lovely guy 4 months ago.

No-one can tell you how soon is too soon except you. The time needed 'between relationships' will be different for everyone and to be honest, unless you have been in the situation we have, I really don't think you can judge other's choices.

Good luck with the relationship.

Stop worrying about what other people will think.
Quite frankly 'fuck 'em'!!!
This is you and your life.
If it is making you happy then why wouldn't you?
I would want any friend or family member of mine to be happy.
Why would I want it any other way???
This is currently working for you.
You have it the way you want it.
So carry on!
It's not too soon.
It's been almost a year.
You deserve happiness as much as the next person!
You go for it!

I always thought that advice about being alone was for your own sake, just so you didn't rush into something out of fear of being alone or to compensate. Like, not a judgey thing. That's so nice that you click with someone! Whatever happens, you know you can still feel stuff for men!

It's been a year, it's not like you're moving on a week later. I think a very early 'moving on' is obviously rebound/comfort territory. But, in your case, it's been long enough. You've come to terms with it, been a good parent, kept a level head despite the obvious hurt and trauma...now it's your turn to enjoy a romance. Go for it.

It's long enough - you deserve a life and have done everything right. I don't think anyone is going to judge you x

There is no set time where its perfect timing to move on. Its hard being the one who's left - like you this happened to me. 18 months on I still don't feel ready, but I was in an emotionally abusive marriage and found serious safeguarding issues towards the end which have traumatised me. If you've managed to get yourself and the kids straight and you feel this is something you want to do then go for it!

As a PP said - its not you who should be judged really is it?!

I'd agree that taking a bit of time out after a breakup is a good thing, but there's no one-size fits all answer as to how long for.

The temptation can be really strong to jump into a new relationship right away, rather than actually doing the hard work of dealing with the loss and pain associated with a breakup. This means you might not properly deal with the fallout (for yourself or the kids). It can also leave you vulnerable to getting into poor quality relationships as the need to fill the hole in your life overrides your ability to spot red flags and weed out the undesirables. Things like lovebombing are particularly seductive when you're hurt and vulnerable and the last thing you need after a bad breakup is to get involved with a narcissist/abusive type.

A year on you sound pretty sorted and back on an even keel. As long as you feel strong enough to walk away from potential relationships when you spot the danger signs, crack on. I hope you find someone lovely (and have some fun in the process)!

I was on my own for a year before I met my (new) boyfriend. Honestly, it sounds like you are doing the right thing...as others have said..it's not as if you've moved on after a week. It really is all down to the individual. My DC are adults and I've been seeing my new man for coming up to 3 months. They know about him, (he has no children himself) but I did state I wasn't going to be introducing him until I felt ready. I do feel ready now and my DC are looking forward to meeting him. You go at your pace and do what you think is right. If you have clicked and connected with someone who feels right, then go for it!