overacting and interfering...normal behavior?

[dustypots]

my son(6yr) and i were playing with clay, he was fustrated that his creation was coming apart, he was getting another peice out of a bowl and doing so aggresivly the bowl smashed on the ground. i remained calm while he got upset.. my SO comes in angry holding our baby.. i ask son to clean up..my SO called my son(his step son) a fucking idiot and said stop whining i told him i was handilng it, not to call names and yell. he got angry at me saying i don't spend enough time with the kids (id been playing with them for hours),my son was my favorite. he stomped around the house, called me a zombie for not getting mad, after i asked him why my son getting upset caused him to be angry... stuff like this always happening..is this normal? have i become desensitised to his behaviour? sorry my spellings a bit off! need some advice feedback please!

This is not normal or acceptable on any level. He is a cruel, abusive twat. Do you have any idea how damaging this is to your son? If anyone ever spoke to my child like that they would be GONE. How long are you willing to tolerate this behaviour? Get rid of this arsehole.

Oh, lovely. I am so sorry this is happening in your lives. It is all kinds of wrong, and you and your DC deserve so much better. Your DS is 6, for goodness sake, and should never be treated like that. And your baby, how frightening for him or her to be held by an aggressive adult. For both of them to witness this man behave aggressively toward you -so sad, and quite crushing for children. If this is a regular theme in your lives, then perhaps you have become desensitised and accustomed to minimising or excusing his behaviour, as you suggest.
Is he likely to respond well to a conversation about the inappropriate way in which he responded, and accept responsibility, apologise unreservedly to both you and your son and never create a situation like that again? If not, you need to be on the side of your DC and make steps to ensure they don't experience this again. It absolutely isn't normal, and even if it is normal in your home, and he tries to convince you that it is somehow justified or a 'normal' response to your actions (trying to pin blame on you for his behaviour), he is w r o n g.
Be strong, OP.

I told him if he does it again,calls him names yells that were done. He said What the fuck are you talking about, acted oblivious, he has many issues ive been trying to help with, so i forgive SO behavior (his childhood traumas) yea have to put the children first...its so hard :(

Hard it may be, dustypots, but you are not doing your boyfriend any favours by accepting his grossly inappropriate behaviour. Of course he'll say you're over reacting, hypersensitive or whatever, and 'need to grow another skin', bullies always do.

I'm sure he is good in other ways but, honestly, you and your children would be better off without him. Let him be someone else's problem.

No, no, no, please don't excuse his behaviour on the grounds of his own childhood trauma. Nope. Not with your children. All you're doing is creating childhood trauma for your own children. Draw the line here, Dusty and be your children's champion. This man's behaviour is very unlikely to change, as his response tells you. He's relying on you to just suck it up. Please pick Team DCs and find a way of extracting yourself and your babies from this volatile situation.

Op, are you a therapist or shrink? (not that if you were you should be treating your partner) - what qualifies you to "help him" with his past? You can't love someone out of their trauma, you can't forgive them out of it, a relationship isn't a cure.

You shouldn't be giving him a pass to damage your son because of his past.

Is he actually in therapy or counselling?

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

This man abuses you and your kids because he can. A poor childhood is no reason or justification for him acting like this towards you all. What can you do here realistically to help him, being a rescuer or saviour in a relationship does not work.

Your own recovery from his abuses of you will only properly start when you are completely away from him. The damage is already being done to your eldest child and that will continue as long as you and your abuser live together. You and your children need a refuge place and you need to enrol on Women’s aid freedom programme.

How many chances have you already given him to date, and no he does not deserve another one.

I am just going to echo everyone else - his behaviour will be terribly damaging to your children. Don't make them live like this.

I know it's difficult to leave and in the short term life will seem more difficult - believe me though, in the long term everything will be so much better for you and your dc.

No, it's not normal or ok. It's verbal abuse to call a kid a 'fucking idiot' for dropping something. My dad was like this and it's left me with anxiety issues. Well done for answering back and telling him it's not ok. I wish my mum had done that.

Please get your kids out of this damaging environment.

As to making allowances due to his childhood trauma- most of us have some trauma, but we don't act like twats. It's not an excuse.

I “forgave’ my XDH loads because he had a crap childhood - his selfishness, blindness to other people’s feelings, boastfulness, sulking, lack of generosity, controlling and mildly abusive nature. When we got engaged he said he wanted our life to be like the family I had grown up in, and like a fool I thought he wanted to change. But he didn’t change at all. He left his childhood behind at 18 and is 65 now and is still having tantrums, using emotional blackmail on the children, and generally being a bit of a twat.

So no, your DH is not normal and he’s not going to change.

Don't stay people with issues who don't want to change will never see their in the wrong. Always say they didn't do anything. Their issues are to deep rooted. Believe me wasted years.
Get out and be happy alone with your kids xxxx

he did apologize to my DS, He does have his good side.Its so hard when you love someone. But i do have to put the children and myself first.Thanks for the feedback :) it helps. SO is currently sulking in lounge after i told him behavior his is not on. its like its me in the wrong now. gezz

The best thing you can do for yourself dustypots is to get this man out of your lives. All he is doing here is dragging you and in turn your kids down with him.

His sulking now, apart from being a pathetic attempt to exert power and control over you all, is actually a further example of emotional abuse. Do you want your kids growing up thinking this is normal and for this to be their "norm" in relationships too?. What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here from you two?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

Words are fine but its actions that count at the end of the day Dustypots. You've been putting this bloke first and for your own reasons.

I would read up on codependency in relationships and see how much of this is reflective of your own behaviours. You are most likely confusing love here with codependency.

I'm not normally one for jumpi on a bandwagon but .. OP and I mean this as gentle and positive as possible .. your partner is this way because of childhood trauma ... he's subjecting you're children to childhood trauma .. it's a cycle that is sometimes hard to break.

He might not mean it and he might always be sorry but it doesn't negate that he's doing to your children something similar to what was done to him .. I suspect neither of you want that.

He needs to leave while he sorts himself out, it won't be a quick fix but if he does honestly love his kids he'll put the work in.. I'm sure if it was gently and reasonably explained to him that he's heading towards being the abuser, he'd be horrified x