So tempted to message Ex - have kept silent but am so bloody hurt and angry.

[hopingforbettertimes]

Before I start - been reading this relationship forum now and again over last few months and it has been a great help. It is good to know I am not the only person going through this kind of sh!t, but it is also sad to see how commonly people are treated like, well, sh!t.

I won't go into the whole story as it would be a long one. However, me and my ex DP were together 10 years, have no kids. Loved him to bits, still do. It all finished very quickly. He went cold and silent for a few weeks. During this period I asked what was wrong, e.g. was he ok, then was he going to leave me, and whether there was someone else (no real evidence just a bit of a hunch). However, tried not to worry too much as he had being having a tough time (was getting counselling for something that had happened in his past). However, I eventually had to suggest we had a proper chat about what was going on - wasn't much of a chat - just him saying he wasn't happy, I'm not the type of person he wants to be with etc. He then packed his bags and left.

Since then he has also said that our whole relationship was wrong and has implied that he hasn't wanted to be with me/loved me for a long time (like six years - which is totally brutal and soul destroying). The odd thing is, when he has said these things, it is like he doesn't realise they are hurtful. I think he just switched his feelings for me off and just assumes I am the same. However, I started reading 'the script' and Runaway Husbands and a lot of his actions tallied with those. At first I was pretty decent - I understood he was having a tough time (and naively I guess I hoped we would work things out at some point in future). I never sent him sh!tty messages, or tried calling him. We even went for coffee a couple of times and he popped round to the house to pick up some of his things.

However, 4 months after we split, I realised he was seeing someone else. He says they had only just started seeing one another, but this was a person I had asked him about just before we split (although as I say I didn't have evidence of this, just a few small things which made me wonder). After discovering he was seeing someone I sent him a long and pretty brutal message (in the beginning of November) stating that he has treated me like sh!t and he has turned into someone I never thought he would be. He sent one back saying I had got the wrong end of the stick and he hadn't left me for anyone else.

Whether he has left me for another person or not, he has treated me really badly. Who the f*ck walks out of a 10 year relationship without even having a proper talk about it, or trying to sort things first, or go to counselling? I also helped him out financially quite a bit, and stood by him when he was clearly struggling mentally, which makes me feel even more used.

All in all he has made me feel totally worthless and that I cannot even treasure the happy memories we had, as were they real or just a lie? Also really angry that he has just dropped a bomb then skipped off and into a another relationship while I am still heavily grieving for the relationship and the person I have lost. I thought so highly of him - never ever thought he would make me feel like this. How can people do this to one another? How can people do this to someone that has been in their lives for so long?

I haven't been in touch with him since the brutal message I sent in Nov. He has emailed a couple of times about house stuff but I have ignored him. However, was so close to messaging him tonight as was so upset after seeing photos of him and new GF at a family NY party (saw this on FB via one of his family members - I defriended him from everything in Nov). Do you guys ever give in and send messages or manage not to? Realise it is best not to but how else do you deal with the anger? This is basically why I am writing this post - to distract me!

Also I have previously asked his mum to pass on info to him from me (stuff about house). However, I feel bad for doing this. But being in touch with him hurts too much - should I just man up and email him directly about house stuff?

Also how long does this go on for? It is now 7 months in. I feel low, stuck and it has all been affecting my work for months. There is only so long employers and friends will be sympathetic (although my friends have been great). I have already seen one counsellor which didn't help, and am waiting to see another one. I know there are a few of us posting on here with similar issues so my sympathies go out to you - this is the worst thing I have ever had to deal with, and I have had to deal with a few hard times. As I have already said, how can people do this to one another??? I thought I was so lucky to meet a nice, honest guy - ha!

I wouldn't send a message as you're unlikely to get the response that you want, it'll just hurt you more and he'll probably use it to make you look crazy to his new gf.

I'm sorry he's put you through this and it may still take some time but I promise you'll get past this awful part and life will start getting better.

Focus on you. Grieve for as long as you need to and practice self care.
Eat right, exercise, do some mindfulness practice and pop on a face mask! You're going to be ok xxxx

I’m sorry OP it must be really tough. Did he say why he didn’t leave 6 years ago if that’s when he stopped being in love with you? Why did he carry on for another 6 years without saying anything?

@Mrsmummy90 thank you. Yes, haven't been too good at the self-care (unless wine counts??) but am going to try and get motivated to get back into exercise. I know I am just wasting my life away by wallowing around when he is out and about and cracking on with things.

@beelzeboob we had a break about six years ago for a few weeks. He says he got back with me as his parents/friends were nagging at him and it was the 'easy option'...wow, thanks. I am not sure how much I believe that. Can you really be with someone you don't love for that long? I will not pretend the relationship was perfect, in fact there was a big problem - we didn't sleep together much. I could never figure why that was but when he started seeing a counsellor last year it made sense to me why we could have problem (don't want to say too much about this). Anyway besides that we got on well, would tell each other we love each other, didn't fight or argue. I suppose if he was struggling mentally then staying with me was perhaps the better option. So I could support him till he felt better and had someone waiting on the sidelines! Urgh really don't know. Even after 7 months I do not know what to think.

I’ve been where you are. It’s absolutely horrible, shitty and really hurts. BUT you will get through this.

The person who I thought so highly of didn’t deserve my love, and I found the sudden switch off of emotion (because, I later found out, he’d found someone else) utterly confusing. Umpteen years later I am so glad I am not with him as it gave me the freedom to find a truly good man.

This guy does not deserve you. He has not put you first. You need to put yourself first and as a previous poster said, put your energies into caring for yourself and being kind to yourself. You’ve wasted enough time on this man already. Don’t waste another second on him.
Xxx

you will have times when you will be angry then sad, etc. till you get over it. how long it takes depends on your situation (one of them is being in no contact, the other can be your focus on something else, etc)
no contact is best option to get over.(including not checking his SM)
he should have sorted the house stuff before, it shouldnt be lingering on anymore, deal with it through his mum and finish all that stuff.
people unfortunately can be like that, there seems to be no guarantees.

I saw this on a calendar and thought it was good.
"Nobody is worth your tears and the one who is won't make you cry."

@beelzeboob also I think they call this 're-writing history' when the person that leaves makes out they/you have been unhappy for a long time, when in fact you are pretty sure this hasn't been the case.

Wow. That sounds awful. You gave a lot. You loved him, so it was worth it. But if his love was a pretence then it wasn't worth it. No wonder you feel like the rug has been ripped out from under you.

I don't think it makes sense that he was with you unwillingly for six whole years. If the reason you two didn't have sex very often is because of the same reason he's having counselling, then I guess he'll be bringing that issue with him.

I wouldn't message him either as you won't get any reply that will make you feel better. He'll give you a reply that exonerates him, justifies him, so his reply will make you feel worse. Bound to be a fair bit of revisionism in any response you get out of him at this point.

What a vile fucker. I'm so sorry and it will take time to get over what he has done.
Who'd want him?
He's not a decent, kind human
Perhaps write an email to him but don't send it. Then read it in a few days time ,maybe when you feel a bit stronger. Don't contact him, it'll only bring you more pain.

Not sure this will help. My friend was the other woman and her now boyfriend left his fiancé but basically two timed. My friend stuck around etc and now is in the same shitty situation as his ex fiancé with a dead beat guy who won't commit, isn't trustworthy and lies and is selfish.

You dodged a bullet and have the rest of your life to find someone amazing

ps, I would block him, not just delete him, block him so you're not confronted with pictures of his instant new life.

thanks ladies.
@bluebell34567 it is kind of my fault the house stuff is lingering as I had to decide what I wanted to do about the house. But I know I need to get it finished asap.
@Itslookinglikeabeautifulday - thank you. Am glad you met someone. :) I hope I will too one day, but at the moment I cannot even bare the thought of it. How do people move so quickly from one person to another?? It is so weird.
@beanaseireann I like that and will try to remember it. He has had plenty of my tears today. Was sobbing my heard out while walking the dog - luckily it was dark..!

@Sh0na yes I think you are right about him taking the problems into the next relationship. I don't think it will be apparent at first but after a while it might. However, he now says he is feeling tip top after his counselling so who knows. I also don't think he has connected the two things. He doesn't think what he is getting counselled for has impacted on our relationship/intimacy. However, that is just ridiculous. I just don't think he will admit it as he has decided just to quit and run and so will blame our issues on other things (e.g. me!)

I am also upset as spent the whole last decade with him and am now 40. So feel he has taken away my best years and my chances of being a mum. Also the new GF is 11 years younger than him surprise.

I really don't know how people move on from this shit - how do you learn to trust someone again? How do you even get motivated to even think about meeting someone else? It is horrible.

I drove past him the other day and I just kept a straight face (am sure he saw me and looked surprised). Didn't know how to react (e.g. wave?!?) but by not reacting it felt really awful that I had just ignored a person I shared so much with. Urgh.

Listen he is talking out of his arse.
He is seeing someone new so is acting as if you two were never anything so he doesn't feel bad.
You got the wrong end of the stick, No you didn't he's just not going to say yes in case you tell his mum and why should he be honest it will make him look bad.

Fuck him off and find a hobby to keep your mind active/ not thinking about him.

It doesn't matter if he did or didn't does it? That's what I have to think when I've found out ex dp cheated the other day, doesn't matter why he did it, for how long or with how many. It doesn't change the break up.

Have you ever had a bad night out and you moan and shout that the whole day was ruined and everything was terrible that's what he's doing.
You haven't wasted 10 years, you enjoy a relationship with him and now it's over and time for something new.
You need to train you Brain to stop thinking about him in anyway. Every time a thought pops in, force yourself to think of something else.
Do t write off the last 10 years as a waste and don't write of the next because your single.

He sounds like he has zero guilt, empathy. It's all me, me, me and he has no headspace for anything other than himself. Sorry, but he sounds lije a total shit. Perhaps grieve not for the man but a man he isn't and never was (or ever could be?). Someone who spends 10 years of your life with and feels nothing for what you are going through sounds like a man with no empathy. I.e. a bit if a sociopath? A narcisist? Am so sorry you are going through this. But if this is who he is, thank God he's gone. Be 100% selfish. You owe him nothing
Chuck his crap in bin bags on the pavement for him to collect? Rid the place of any trace if him and block and delete all social media. Or you will end up torturing yourself. Easier said than done, i know... xx

I’m sorry OP, it’s a familiar story, all over Mumsnet and it’s happened to so so many women. In a good relationship, guy meets someone, decides he doesn’t want to be with current partner after all, goes cold, ditches loving long-term partner/wife/mother of his children, makes her out to be a horror, never loved her, blah,blah, blah, lie,lie,lie...saunters off into the sunset leaving pain, fear and a broken women crying. He feels good because he’s got something shiny & new AND he didn’t do anything wrong, just “fell “ out of love. i fucking hate men like this. ITS NOT YOU, it’s a tale as old as time. It’s him. He’s a fucking cunt. And rest assured, he’ll do the same to her, just wait. He’s flawed and lacks morals and strength. I know you’re 💔 but you’ll be okay. Just thank the lord you didn’t have kids with this shitbag. Cause he would have left them too. Fucking unbelievable. Save your dignity, don’t let him see you’re hurting.its a new year, fresh start, time for some big time self loving!

And he absolutely was cheating on you, he followed the script perfectly...still is. So he’s a liar AND a cheat!

He sounds like a coward. Not willing to be responsible for his own emotions so blames everyone else.
No idea how you are coping but a suggestion would be to start somewhere new - move away from the area or change jobs, travel or do something that you couldn't do because he hated it (cut your hair?).

Yes ill never forget one chapter of "how to win friends and influence people". There was a point made with lots of examples about how nobody ever believes they have done anything wrong. No matter how shocking their behavior, they will dpin it around in their head until they've rationalsed it in to a narrative that is not at odds with their view of themself as A Good Person.

Most people no matter how flawed they are basically identify withbeing A Good Person. So if they put themself first and do something that meets their needs at your huge expense, they will spin itround and round until they have a version that can coexist with their view of themself The Good Person. You provoked them. You ignored them. You didnt make them feel appreciated. You didnt overlook their flaws and overvalue their strengths. You didnt see them how they see themself

So it is pushing water uphill to try and make him acknowledge he has wronged you.

Forty is still young. You can recover from this.