Trouble is my situation is all of my own making. I can't really blame anyone except myself. Tried for years and years to have children with my partner (who has two children from his first marriage) - ivf, miscarriages, negative result after negative result. Never happened. That was ten years ago when I was late thirties/early 40s. We went on to adopt two children and i thought I had moved on but our relationship never really recovered and we now live as flatmates, just rubbing along. No sex for 6 years.
I started seeing a much younger guy on a casual basis and we had a lot of fun together. i told myself i deserved this after all my heartache. Trouble is i got way more invested than I realised and was completely gutted when i found out he had started seeing someone his own age at the same time as me and she got pregnant very quickly.
i don't want him and i am not that bothered about being with him but it has triggered all sorts of hideous jealous emotions about my inability to have a birth child. I am torturing myself on the unfairness of life and I don't know how to move on from this and start enjoying the children I do have. I also wonder if these emotions are so strong because my relationship is so dull and lacking in intimacy. If that was better then maybe i would not feel so stuck. I feel old, infertile and bitter and i keep looking online and start chatting to younger guys to feel wanted but i know this will lead to similar heartache and is not an answer.
My family all love my partner and know that he did everything he could to give me a baby and they would be horrified to know I feel like this. i guess i am wondering if my issues are really to do with infertility of whether they are more linked to my relationship. i do actually enjoy my adopted kids and am close to both of them. Any views on what is really going on emotionally for me?