Thinking of having kids

[UsefulSilver]

So I'm thinking of having kids in the near future, possibly. Thing is apart from hearing it can be hard work I'm not sure whether I should.

For one I'm not very socially adept and worry about passing this onto a child. I've kind of suffered a lot from this in life and wouldn't like to see another suffer. There is sort of a bit of a history of other family members having this problem on my Mother's side including my Mother.

The other thing is society seems to be getting more and more f*cked up. Now I know not all kids will have problems, but do I want to really have kids when they might turn out to have stuff like Asperger's, Autism, etc and the whole host of mental health problems & issues that seem to be very prevalent these days. I'm not sure how I would cope with a child if it had one of these problems or feel right about how they would get on in life, or rather probably wouldn't.

So I'm a bit out of sorts on all of this and not sure what is right or not?

Are you in a committed relationship? Can you afford to raise a child? Those are important questions to ask yourself before thinking of having a child. Get your own mind as settled and happy as possible and you will get through parenthood, and all its challenges, to the best of your ability...just like most parents do.

No committed relationship that's the thing it would be a fertility thing. I can afford it but I guess there is question mark over whether it's the right thing to do, to go into it as a single parent.

Having a child is a huge commitment and responsibility, nothing else in life comes close and it is for the rest of your life. I have always parented with my husband and it is a ton of work. I would never chose to be a single parent.

Why not try fostering first? That why you can see what it would be like to be a parent and have a chance to hone your parenting skills?

Regarding your comments on children with autism I would say don't have kids. Thanks.

Autism and aspergers are no more prevalent now than they used to be. They are just more accurately diagnosed these days, which is a good thing.

I have pretty bad social anxiety. I've had it all my life, was an extremely shy child and found it almost impossible to make friends, wouldn't do any extra-curricular activities etc. My DDs are the complete opposite, outgoing and confident and willing to try anything. Doesn't always follow that if the parent has an issue the child will inherit said issue.

Sorry but fostering isn't about practising for your own child. You have to be really dedicated to making a difference to a children's life, many have experienced trauma and it's not always easy. Bad advice.

I don't think it should matter whether you are in a committed relationship or not. The very fact that you are questioning things and thinking them through is surely a positive as you won't make a rash decision. I think it's more important that you have a good support network around you for when times are hard (and there will be hard, emotional and exhausting times). Good luck making such a big decision.

I agree Crystal and I would rather fear that I would not be strong enough mentally to deal with fostering children. I've seen some of the issues that have arisen out of the stuff you mention, abuse etc and I don't see it for the faint hearted. If anything I tend to see it for experienced parents who excel in parenting & social skills, unfortunately I very much doubt I could attain that. Can I raise my own kids ok? Well I'm not a person whose into abuse or anything. I like children but I guess the proof would be in the pudding as they say.

Thanks, Idolike, I have other family members, brother, sister, mother so while day to day it will be down to me hopefully they will be added reassurance to any child than just me alone.

I meant no offense Erick I know I would have to deal with whatever is. It's just with everything out there it makes you wonder what sort of world it is for children these days. Not just Autism etc but all the rest of stuff, suicidal thoughts, self harm, depression, anxiety, bi polar, etc, etc the list is seemingly endless and that's before any adolescent and any personal problems are gotten into. Just trying to weigh up what I may be dealing with really I guess.

It's good that you're thinking this through and are financially sound. However, most of the negative aspects of child development are, prevalent mainly in single parent households, so there is that to consider.
Obviously that's not to say good kids can't come from single parents, but the evidence definitely shows the detrimental affects of lack of a positive grounded, usually male, role model.

I am Asperger and have a child who is also Asperger (and another one who isnt), Its not the end of the world. I sometimes feel that missing out on social stuff is something you learn to live with and if you manage other things in life carefully, its Ok.

Having a child is an experience I wouldn’t wanna miss out on. Key thing is that you put a proper life framework in place before taking on this challenge. This means stable relationships with a partner who is committed and Non-Asperger, having a stabile job and regular income/financial independence etc. Being at ease with your ownself.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Raising my dc into 3 wonderful adults is something I'm incredibly proud of, and I realise there is an element of luck in terms of the way they turn out, however it is not something that has been easy. There are many, many moments of laughter, happiness, pride, and fun, but there are also many, many moments of sheer exhaustion, despair, and all sorts of other negative emotions. I've been exhausted at many times over the years, and I've done this with dh. It's not something I'd choose to have done on my own.
Yes, all sorts of people end up being single parents for all sorts of reasons, and do as good or poor a job as couples who co-parent, but 'dealing' with what occurs is different from choosing to co-parent.

To choose to have a baby alone, I think you have to really, really want children.

Your definitely right Blah, I think while my finances are ok at the moment I could potentially get into a better position in the near future. I think if I can get into a good financial position that will take some of the strain away. I know it will be more than just finances but finances and having my life sorted and prepared for the time and effort commitment will no doubt help the matter. I'm of an age where I'm at ease with my own self whereas when I was in my teens/early to mid twenties I think that I probably wasn't so much.

Erick I didn’t say anything about “practicing” on anyone. If you are not qualified to be a foster parent then there is a good chance you should not have your own children. If you’re not sure what it would be like to be a parent, temporary caring and loving for a child will show you. I have been a foster child myself and I know many families who foster, some who never had their own children. Are they “practicing”? Most people have very little experience at all for caring for a baby or child until they have their own so by your definition we are all “practicing”.

Apologies Erick my comment was in reply to Crystal87.

Nope. Don't have children.

I have 2 and I wanted them so so badly. You sound indifferent so I'd say don't do it.

Back for Good, that is certainly worth thinking about. The workload issue is something I am concerned about. I guess with a lot of mod cons and once they are off to pre school, school etc it frees up some time in case there is that feeling of it getting too much. I guess I take a lot of stuff in my stride usually, just how much it would push someone with my mentality and I guess depending on the kids who knows?

Generally I would like to be as hands on and involved as possible but that said if it did get too much being able to afford a child minder, nursery, etc I guess could be an option though not one I would be aiming for.

Mummypigx, I'm not indifferent I would say I am actually the same as you, but I just want to get an idea of what I would be taking on, weighing it all up in advance. Bringing kids into this world and not doing right by them isn't a place I want to end up at which is why I'm enquiring into it here.

Remember as a single parent, any time you want to do anything without your child you have to find care and most likely pay for it. No popping to the pub or for a coffee in your own. Forget about any spontaneity. You also need to have a very settled, scheduled life for your own sanity and for your child’s need for stability. When you had the baby and were recovering would there be anyone to care for YOU? What if you have a cesarean? The recovery is about 6 weeks. Anytime your child is ill you would need to take time off. Financially it is very challenging without another income. Would all the people currently in your life still be there if you had a baby/small child in tow?

Once you have your own children they consume so much time and you are exhausted a lot of the rest that many friendships fall naturally by the wayside, at least for a while. Or you don’t see each other as often. So you may find yourself socially isolated with a baby. You would need to work hard to network with others. In fact I would work on building that strong network right now.

I guess with a lot of mod cons and once they are off to pre school, school etc it frees up some time in case there is that feeling of it getting too much.

Ha Ha Ha

and even if it did, you have to survive the first 3 years first of course.

Don't get me wrong - some people have 'easy' babies. Some people take becoming a Mum in their stride, but you need to know that it certainly isn't a 'given'.

You really do need to really, really want dc. This isn't something you can change once you've had them. Dc aren't something you can 'hand back' , or 'sell off' if you decide it isn't for you.

Nothing in life is guaranteed.

You could end up with a neurotypical child but a few years down the line... you may end up with a child with mental health difficulties... a child who ends up in a gang... a child who gets into an accident and suffers brain damage... a child who does not want anything to do with you... the list is is never ending.

Life is a risk, nothing is guaranteed.