Is he interested in me?

[AnabelleG]

I have been friends with this guy and his girlfriend for almost 15 years, we are all quite close.

Lately I have been thinking about him a lot. A few nights ago he walked me home and we had a brief kiss in my kitchen. We had both been drinking and I am unsure how it started.

I saw him again last night and we spoke a little about what had happened. He said he was surprised it did and that he’d have continued had someone not been outside my house, he then stroked my back. I said sorry and it shouldn’t have happened, he just smiled and stroked me again.

We were then in company the rest of the night and nothing more was said.

I can’t stop thinking of him, but obviously can’t pick up the phone and talk to him, so I am just going crazy trying to work out what it all means.

I was widowed 6 years ago aged 34 with a young daughter, and haven’t thought of anyone else since.

You’ve kissed your friends partner. There is no scenario in which this is ok.
You’ve crossed a line and I think you need to distance yourself from him. He’s not available so regardless of how you feel, you need to leave him alone.
If his feelings have changed he needs to end his relationship. From what you’ve said though he sounds like a terrible creep who has taken advantage of you

Annabelle. Im sorry some of the answers are black/white.
I feel for you. Is there anyone in your rl who isnt connected so you can explore with them how you feel. If not a few sessions with a therapist?
It sounds to me that you may have feelings for him. And him for you.
Could you step back from situation to give yourself some time to think and figure out how you feel?

Thank you for your reply, I think I have put myself and my heart in a terrible situation. One I need help with. I just honestly never expected to feel like this again, and certainly not with him.

If he cheats on his girlfriend, he'd cheat on you. And why the Hell would you want to hurt your friend like that? You sound just as awful as he does.

Tbh if you develop feelings for someone that is something that is hard to change, kissing someone else's BF is not ok though. I can't imagine how you're feeling as it seems like this is the first person you have had feelings for since the loss of your DH. I'm so sorry for your loss
To answer your question yes he probably does have feelings for you but he also does have a long term partner. I would step right back from this friendship. If he leaves his GF and tells you he wants to be with you then that is something you may consider at that time but for now, walk away OP

OP your feelings for him may be because he is the first man you really know to show an interest in you in this way.

I think it's harder to start again after someone you love passes away, rather than you falling out of love or whatever.

Have you dated in the last 6 years at all?

@GiveHerHellFromUs, I haven’t dated in the last six years my focus has solely been on my daughter and building a life for us and keeping a demanding job going.

I think after the last few days I realise I am still not ready for this. It’s taken up too much headspace that I need for other things, and just made me feel awful in many ways once the initial fizzle wore off.

But would it take up so much headspace and make you feel so awful if there wasn't any infidelity involved? Perhaps you are ready to meet someone, just not someone that is already partnered with someone you are friends with.

I honestly don’t know! Felt like a giddy teenager for the first few days, head in the clouds. I really don’t need that just now with anyone!

He's like a link to your husband, Annabelle, to a time when you were married and presumably happy? Christmas is a difficult time to be alone if that's not what you want.

I personally think that he is testing the water and for your sake, you should tell him to stop it.

If he is interested in seeing where this goes with you then he needs to end his relationship with your friend regardless of what happens. It could be messy in any event given that she's your friend. For that reason alone, I wouldn't go there but plenty of women do using the 'all's fair in love and war' maxim.

I wish you well.

At least try a date with an actually-available man before you rule out seeing someone.

The best way to get an unavailable man out one’s head is to find another one!

There’s a lot going on here OP - young widowhood must be so tough - and you need to figure out why you’ve recently developed feelings for this particular man. Meanwhile, avoid contact with him unless others are present.

If things get out of hand you’ll be the bad guy in mutual friends’ eyes and it will impact DD also. Not worth it!

Sometimes people start falling for their therapist. They don’t meant to but it just happens.

The therapist has good understanding of how people tick, listens to them, makes time for them, makes them feel cared about and supported. Is always there (well you know where they are but granted you may not get an appointment in the day you’d prefer). Feels safe and familiar (after a lot of appointments).

Perhaps that’s kind of what’s happening with you? This person is always there, knows you well, makes time for you, feels close because you’ve known him ages etc. Add to that a link to your husband in the past, a comforting place.

It maybe has just awakened something inside of you that’s wanting a man like this. Just, like a therapist and paying customer, he’s not the one!

You can always see how you feel about getting out and about again, and if something romantic happens with a guy it happens. Just make sure he’s defo single first.

I saw him in the village today and we spoke. It would seems the attraction in his eyes is very much one sided, and he found our little embrace very embarrassing and wasn’t sure how to deal with me next time he saw me, so was just trying to pacify me on NYE as we were in a group of company.

I said I was sorry I had caused any distress or embarrassment, but feel now would be a good time to give each other a wide birth. He agreed and walked off.

At least we now have closure to my original question.

Yes you have closure, AnabelleG. He was obviously attracted enough to kiss you in spite of his relationship and he hasn't covered himself in glory with his patronising comment about pacifying you. Ignore that - and him.

I'm glad you took the lead with telling him to keep a wide berth now.

Onwards and upwards and know that your body/mind is telling you that you're ready to start again.

One sided and embarrassing my arse.
He’s such a liar. He was into it the same as you. Or he would have had a chat with you or just a hug and gone back into the other room. Instead he was kissing you and chatting with his hand still lingering on your back stroking it. I guess you just imagined that, aye right, he’s such a bad liar.

Glad you got closure OP. Even if the prick thought it was alright to completely blame you. Defo best to keep away from him.

You’re a terrible friend

Meh, I don't know if I would entirely believe that as I think it takes two people to kiss. But the important point is that there is no future in it now (which is definitely a good thing). Maybe this whole episode is a sign that you are ready to date again. Have you considered it properly?

Hi OP look after yourself. The good thing is you have feelings and can relate to another man. Have you time to join any local groups or pursue an interest. If you widen your pool you don’t know who you may meet.
Take care