Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Married 2.5 years, but husband and I have not discussed children

9 replies

Semloh91 · 01/01/2020 15:39

My husband and I have been together for almost 7 years have have been married for 2 and a half of those. We are both turning 29 this year, we recently bought a house and I just got a promotion at work, so I feel like we're in a position in our lives where are able to start thinking about having children. I'm also due to get my IUD removed so it just feels like the natural time to have this conversation. The problem is, we've never seriously discussed it. At the beginning of our relationship my then boyfriend would bring up children all the timenames, how many he wanted, etcbut a year into our relationship I became pregnant after my birth control failed. I was devastatedwe were living in a hotel and working at McDonalds at the time so were certainly not in a position to bring a life into the world and we both agreed on an abortion. Although it was absolutely the right decision, and I've never felt an ounce of regret about it, the whole experience was extremely traumatic for me, and in turn, difficult for my then boyfriend, and I've ever since found it extremely difficult, impossible even, to discuss children with my now husband since. Apart from one drunken conversation a couple of years ago about wanting a house with a garden for the children (which we now have, by the way), my husband has never brought it up either. I know it's crazy, but the longer time goes on the more impossible it feels to bring it up, because I know it's ridiculous that I haven't already. We have a fantastic relationship in all other aspects, but a huge communication problem when it comes to this one thing becase of what happened in the past. I am looking for advice on how to approach the subject and no judgement please--I realise this is a discussion we should have had a long time ago but I can't fix that now. Asking the man I've been in a relationship with the past 7 years "Hey, do you want kids?' feels too absurd a question to ask, though I'm constantly on the verge of blurting it out.

OP posts:
BillHadersNewWife · 01/01/2020 15:42

I would say something innocuous...a few times. Such as commenting on a cute child you both see. "Aw, look...how cute!"

Do it a few times over the next few weeks...he'll respond in a natural way and it will break the ice.

Then you...or he...might feel a bit more relaxed about the subject in general.

Another thing is to talk about something nice related to your childhood...reminiscing about your fave books and experiences.

QueenofPain · 01/01/2020 15:46

Maybe you could frame it as a “What do you think we’ll do in this next decade?” and then it gives you an in to mention “Do you think it might include children?”

Couchpotato3 · 01/01/2020 15:46

Does your husband know about your previous experience? Is he aware of your anxiety around the subject - could he be holding back in order not to upset you? He may be waiting for you to broach the subject?

QueenofPain · 01/01/2020 15:47

Are your “then boyfriend” and “now husband” the same person?

daisypond · 01/01/2020 15:52

I suspect that he is waiting for you to bring the subject up and is worried about upsetting you if he brings it up. I would not do the “aw, how cute” routine a few times when seeing a small child. Just come out with it.

Mangoandlimes · 01/01/2020 15:53

I too suspect he's wary of upsetting you given the past. Honestly I would just come out with it, explain what you want and ask what he wants. Pick your time carefully when you both have the time/energy for a proper discussion.

FAQs · 01/01/2020 16:06

The what are our best plans in the next decade is a good idea, any friends with a baby? Could that spark up a conversation, or just come out with it and rip that plaster off.

NameChangeNugget · 01/01/2020 16:14

I think he’s avoiding confrontation on this due to what’s happened previously

RebelWithVerySharpClaws · 01/01/2020 17:21

It seems you want children, so you really need to say so. It is a bit scary, as he may say no, but if you don't know where you stand you can't shape your own future.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page