Ex MIL is trying to fuck with my kids heads

[P999]

Aaargh. I need help on how to deal with this utter cunt. My ex and I split a year and a half ago over his alcoholism (he went to rehab twice, lost jobs. Etc. You get the picture). She always denied his problems were booze. And merrily encouraged him to drink away. Despite the MASSIVE arguments and problems his drinking were causing to our family life. I was branded unhinged cos of how i reacted to his drinking. Anger, resentment, stress. Usual shit. Looking Back, i think the cunt enjoyed screwing with me. Anyways, at long last we split. And I have given the bitch a piece if my mind and now Am NC with her. However, she still sees my DDs via their dad. So, to cut a long story short she shit stirs with them. My eldest (10) recognises this. And says she is always making digs about me in a 'sugar coated' way. E.g.' I know mummy doesn't mind how dirty you are, but you really should wash your hair every day.' I laugh with my eldest about this. As think this must be the best way to handle it? Worse though, is that she knows i wont allow my kids on family holidays with them (cos ex irresponsible drunk. And they fuel it). Yet, she keeps inviting them on those holidays. Knowing it wont happen and mummy will be the bitch who says no. Aaargh. Think my eldest has healthy attitude(?). She sees her flaws and releases her feelings by laughing at her behaviour with me. But youngest (8) doesn't like it when I say anything negative about granny. Help? Advice please?

This is so sad for many reasons. Obviously she has a lot of resentment towards you, but to dig at your children about you is disgusting.

I get how frustrating it is. My ex MIL thinks the sun shines out of her son's behind and that I needed to get help for my issues. Her son is a porn addict, but "Sweety, all men watch porn, lol." Not all men pay for it, have ED, and stalk women - his behaviour was odd. He was also a compulsive liar and cheated on me a twice, once just before I left him after our baby was born. I was being put through so much, had PND, just had our baby, he was cheating, and I was made to feel like an unhinged bitch and that his behaviour was fine. Urgh. It's put me off men and relationships completely.

How is access currently arranged with your ex partner, is this at all formalised through a contact centre?. How is it that she is able to see your kids via him?

You need to keep both children away from his enabler of a mother and your ex as of now. Your mistake here was to at all allow such a level of contact with your ex and in turn his mother. If she is too difficult, batshit or otherwise toxic for YOU to deal with, it’s the same deal really for your kids too as your eldest has sadly found out. Your youngest is also too young to realise that she is also being manipulated here by granny. Your ex won’t protect his children from his enabler and otherwise toxic mother so you will have to. You would not have tolerated this from a friend and they are no different.

If she is too difficult, batshit or otherwise toxic for YOU to deal with, it’s the same deal really for your kids too as your eldest has sadly found out.

I think this captures most of what I was thinking.

Don't laugh with eldest when she says something hurtful about you/them. I used to do this with DD when her dad slagged ne off until someone pointed out that laughing was suggesting his behaviour was funny and not hurtful and giving DD the wrong messages about how I deserved to be treated by him. I swapped the laughing for "wow, that hurts my feelings a bit..."

I hadn't thought if it that way. Shit. Normally it should be good for kids to have relationship with grandparents, irrespective of my relationship or feelings for her. But yes, she's a batshit headfuck from hell... Not sure how I can stop it though. He picks them up from school and has them till about 7.30. Need to Gove this some serious thought.

She occasionally joins them at his flat.

Thank you. I guess a more serious chat with DD about how her behaviour is unacceptable is healthier?

I agree with what Attila said.
Could you also consider counselling for your children, with a therapist who is experienced in family dysfunction, they would probably benefit from it.

Mil sounds bitter and twisted TBH