Marriage can be saved?

[mammieshark]

Hi all

I'm wondering if anyone can give any advice...

We have had a really tough year. My husband lost his mum in July. Seems like a downward spiral since then. He seemed to have been coping well. He has had several job changes since then but seems happy and settled in his new job since September. We have two young children and a mortgage just for info.

December was just awful. I found out a few days after that whilst he was on a course just before Christmas that he had arranged a prostitute through kik. We have family share on our phones and iPads and notice he downloaded it just before the course. Nothing came of it, he admitted what he had done, he has since been for counselling which he arranged privately and is having it weekly.

I didn't know what I wanted after. Christmas was a bit of a blur. He apologised a lot, he gave me space. I completed sti checks which are all clear. He said he has never slept with someone since being with me. He said he doesn't know why he did it, he has been quite honest about it all but said he couldn't go through with it. He says he doesn't want to blame it on his loss but feels he hasn't been coping since then,

It's completely out of character. He is usually the type of guy who will go to a strip club on a stag do with friends but not have a lap dance (confirmed by his mates who are married to my friends). He doesn't really go out, maybe once a year. Doesn't really drink.

I feel like 12 years is a lot to throw away, i have up days where I know I Want to try and save what we have. Then down days as I can't believe he did that and wondering if trust will ever be there.

I know I need to give it time but any other advice would be appreciated?

Has he discussed why he did it (without blame, minimising etc)? I would struggle to move on from this but then I think any marriage can be 'saved' if people stay together. That doesn't mean it will be happy or fulfilling though. Couples counselling and individual counselling for you could be helpful so you can work through your feelings rather than it all being about him and his feelings. I would also ensure that he is contributing at least equally to family life and financially, particularly if he is changing jobs so frequently.

Personally, I would class this as a ‘small’ (not the best word to use but not major) in 12 years of being together.
He is obviously really struggling. I would work through it, albeit easier said than done

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this OP it must be devastating.
I think bits of his life you don't know about are appearing through the chinks in your relationship and it doesn't look like he's tried too hard to hide them which speaks volumes.
I remember looking at my entire 20 year marriage with rose tinted glasses but when I found out my husband had been cheating, going out as a transvestite etc I was not really that surprised. When I finally took the glasses off I realised how very selfish he was and how one sided our marriage was and always had been - it wasn't that wonderful thing I told myself it had been.
i certainly would not be happy about any partner of mine going to strip clubs with friends, no man I'd want to be with would do that.
I'd be looking long and hard at your relationship and thinking about whether it can be salvaged, maybe go to counselling together.

I can see why you are struggling. It's not like he kicked the panel in on the neighbours van. By going from nothing to booking up a sex worker is like going from 0 - 60 in three seconds. Are you sure there is nothing prior to this to lead to it? It just seems a strange reaction to his woes when kicking in a panel on a badly parked vehicle or something of that nature is a more fitting response.

I think you are entitled to a bit of distance too. Don't do all the running and clearing the way for him to be feeling better. He has to make some effort too.

Oh and had he come to you and told you about it I would be feeling a little more kindly disposed towards him but you found out by other means so that would have me looking for a fucktonne of other background shizz here.

Oh and had he come to you and told you about it I would be feeling a little more kindly disposed towards him but you found out by other means so that would have me looking for a fucktonne of other background shizz here

^^This, with bells on.

Thanks everyone

You have all pretty much said what I am thinking.

I don't know if I am in denial.

I went through all of his bank accounts to see if there were any random withdrawals or payments and there was nothing. I went back about 9 years So I do think it was a random first time thing.

I think couples counselling or counselling for myself is probably the next step. I just feel a bit spaced out and all over the place. I hope it's not affecting my children, I know they sense things

He told you he didn't go through with it. You know him, mammieshark, and could probably tell if he was lying. It is quite feasible, I've heard of men doing that - they feel a bit insecure or lonely and book somebody, then reality kicks in and don't sleep with the woman. However they still feel guilty and become quite depressed about the whole thing.

There's no way he would have come home and told you about the incident straight away. It would have been a humiliating experience.

Grief does funny things to people.

If you believe your husband it is certainly worth saving your marriage. You have to get your head around it first, I can understand how you feel a bit spaced out and all over the place. That is exactly how he felt.

Good luck.