Sad about changed relationship with mother - any advice? sorry - long

[UpsetDaughter]

Since my first daughter was born, my relationship with my mother has changed. I feel that she is always "negative" towards me and there's always an underlying feeling that she thinks I deserve to be punished for something.

The worst upset occured around Christmas 1 week after dd2 was born. My mum had an argument with dh. The midwife was at our house, I was breastfeeding dd2 and dh was cooking dinner for us. Before the midwife even stood up, my mum said to dh "Aren't you going to show XXX out? It's rude." At this point I should explain that I know the midwife in question very well and she delivered dd2. When she had left dh said to my mum (quite calmly) "I would appreciate it if you would not call me rude like that in front of someone." My mum became very bolshy and and said he had no right to tell her she'd upset him. An argument started and dh ended up swearing (for which he apologised straight away) He knew he shouldn't have sworn but we were both very tired and hadn't got much sleep that week on account of dd2's arrival.

My mum phoned me and said that because of the argument with dh she was going to leave me out of her will and now planned to leave everything to dd1 and dd2. I found this very hurtful after years of her saying "Obviously I'll leave everything to you" (I'm an only child). It's not that I don't want her to remember my children but I feel the purpose of this is to punish me. She also said she would never speak to dh again and would not come in our house and he wasn't welcome in hers. I said "This is ridiculous, all families argue sometimes" and I felt they ought to sort it out by talking (which dh was prepared to do). She sulked for over a week and wouldn't come to see us. I felt like she'd deserted me at a time when I needed her most over a silly argument (which, to be fair I had no part in). In the end it was knid of glossed over because my mum didn't want to discuss it with dh and me.

Now, I feel she's resentful towards me and it's obvious she still wants to "punish" me with the will. When dd1 was born we were very hard up and she bought us the occasional thing (I never asked her to do this - it was completely her initiative)and now she comes out with comments like "I think you've had enough of our money" and "No one's ever left me much money". It's not the money so much as the feeling she's trying to hurt and reject me. Before the Christmas incident, she and dh had got on fine but his anger boiled over on that day because she'd made lots of other comments that upset him like "I expect dd1 didn't go to sleep because your dh put her to bed, not you" (in front of him)

Looking back, I can't understand what's gone wrong - I used to get on with her really well and she is still sometimes really good to me but I do feel she resents me now. She is not receptive to discussing the problem with me at all and I feel very miserable and at a loss what to do.

If you're still reading, thankyou. I post quite a lot on this site but I've changed my name. Does anyone have any advice as I feel really upset about this

Upsetdaughter - I can understand your sadness about this and feel sorry that you have felt deserted by your mum when you probably needed her most. It seems to me that she is probably a little jealous that things seem to be ticking along nicely and maybe even resents the fact that you have 2 children now (although I am sure she loves them both very much). My sister is always bleating on about how she's left everything to my 2 children when I know for a fact that she has left everything to our older sister (who she doesnt really get on with) and her dh's parents (whom she can't abide). Probably best to ignore her comments if you can and once she realises she doesn't have you over a barrel she will stop using the Will as bait to get her own way. It sounds like you have a great dh so just try and ignore the silly comments. xx

She sounds very childish tbh- and also as if she is trying to control you, and not let go. How do you respond when she says all this?

We have a bit of this from my MIL- she seems to think that dh's loyalties should lie with her rather than with me and the boys- he's pretty blunt with her (although their relationship is not good so not necessarily an approach to be recommended).

I think all you can do is say quite bluntly to her "mum I don't want any of your money". You could ass something like "i'd like my old relationship with you back"- but I think the more you go to her the more she is going to play the controller (iyswim). Unforuntately the problems are with her- and I think there is little you can do except not respond and hope she comes to her senses

That's awful, you poor thing. She sounds very selfish. Perhaps seeing you as a Mum is difficult for her for an underlying reason of some sort, maybe she feels uncomfortable about being a Grandmother and in another stage of life. Maybe you should write her a letter with everything you've put on here. If it were me, I would probably also add that dh is your family and if she doesn't accept him then she doesn't accept the family (including kids) as a whole and to cut her out of your and your children's life until she sees sense. I know that sounds harsh but you have to stand up to her because what she is doing is a type of control and maybe seeing you with your own family is making her realise that she doesn't have the same hold over you. Sorry I sound a bit disjointed - kids are bugging me...

this must be really upsetting for you. Do you think she might be feeling the shock of becoming a grandparent? in the sense that maybe she aware of the sudden shift in generations. I had a similar feeling when I was visiting parents with DS at the weekend, I grew up in their home and was suddenly so aware how much life had changed.

I think I am clumsily trying to say that there is nothing like a new life to make you realise the passing of time. Perhaps the money comments are some way for her to deal with it all.

My dad had an odd relationship with mum's mum for quite a while after I was born as she kept on saying/doing things the same way your Mum is with your DH, but they still cared for each other deep down.

I hope you can talk to her and DH to clear any issues - you are stuck in the middle and that can't good for you. (sorry this is so long )

I agree that she does sound a little jealous, and could resent how you dont need her anymore as you now have a family of your own. I know its hard to ignore comments made as my mum is always making them, but its probably the best way, and wait and see if she comes around. Im presuming she hasnt seen the children in a while so if she doesnt hear from you, Im sure she'll wonder how they are at least IYKWIM xxx

maybe off-base here, but you are an only child and this happened after your second child was born - a connection? did your mum want more children and it couldn't/didn't happen? Jealous that you have what she couldn't and therefore punishes you with what she has that you don't?? Sorry if I am miles off.

I hope you can regain your good relationship or at least make peace with the new one.

Not in the same situation at all, but I think that it is very possible to recognise that your Mum is ambivalent or even jealous of certain things you might have in your life (eg more children, bigger income, nice figure, more independence, better sexlife, whatever) and still be very close and good friends. Perhaps there things that your Mum has that you might be envious of too, but she doesn't know. Do you think it would help if you did something (big hug, cuddle without any grandchildren, day out together alone, weekend away together) to show your Mum how much you care about her (and not the money or practical help she gives you) and how much you miss your old closer relationship?

Thankyou so much for your replies. We do see her now but the resent she feels is clearly still there. Sometimes she's really nice and she offers to help me do things but if any conflict arises she says "You've got a cheek after all I do for you" I think she's annoyed with me for having children young (although not that young - I was 21 when I had dd1) and my life hasn't worked out the way she wanted it to - she and my dad tried to encourage me to have an abortion. It was annoying because I had finished my degree at the time and I felt things would be ok. We were hard up financially at first but we made the most of our situation but she always says "Yes, it's worked out because we've helped you". I find this a bit unfair because dh and I have worked hard too to improve things.

I know how annoying they can be. Mum was like that with exp, but has mellowed down a bit with dp, although the odd comment still crops up. The only way I find coping with them and not starting arguements is to ignore them. I know its not very helpful or useful, but I hate arguing with my mum so rather than getting worked up about it, I try to forget what she says. I did once have a real go at her, as we had been on holiday and throughout she had made nasty remarks about dp. The day we came home, and on my birthday too, I went mad and it took us weeks to get back to normal. I dont think she realises she's doing it tbh. I just hope Im not the same with dd when she's older

We do try to ignore those sorts of comments, now Tammybear because I'm aware if I get annoyed there will be a long argument, like you say. I know there are people with worse problems than this, especially after reading poor Titania's thread but my mum's attitude towards me is confusing. I think "Is it me?", "What am I doing?" She seems to find it hard ever to say sorry about anything and always says I have no right to be annoyed with her about anything because of the help she's given me.

Read your first post, Upsetdaughter, but not enough time to read all the replies so sorry if I'm repeating anything anyone else has said already. It sounds to me like your mum has a problem with the feeling of you slipping out of her control as your own family grows, and your focus shifts more to your children and away from her, IYKWIM. From your post it sounds as if you had previously been quite close with your mum and beingf her only child, she probably feels quite agitated by your moving into the next stage of your life (ie as a mother). If her main sense of validation as a person was as a mother herself, and now her only baby is grown and gone, perhaps her confusion over her feelings is what's led h er to place such an ostentiatious focus on your DDs - as if they're her babies now.

Sorry for the pop pyschology but just trying to think what might be making her behave in this odd way. I really feel for you as I have a very close relationship with my mother and would be lost without her - if she suddenly went all strange on me I'd find it very hard to deal with.

Not sure what you can do about it if she's not prepared to discuss it, but next time she comments on who she's leaving her money to, maybe you could just say something like, "Although we really appreciate the financial help you've given us up to now, I'd rather have my old relationship with you over any amount of money" and see what she says.

Hope you work things out.

The sad thing is that I feel as though I've hardened my heart towards her, especially since the Christmas incident as a kind of defence mechanism.

The things all of you have said do make sense and echo what my friends in RL said. Thankyou for your kind advice everyone. I wanted to see what people think when they don't know me personally IYSWIM. The problem is that when I've tried to discuss things calmly with her (no raised voices) she always ends up storming off saying how ungrateful I am. I've always made a point of thanking her for everything she's done for me but I take the view that if you have a good relationship with someone then you should be able to tell them when they've upset you.

TBPF, parents should do things for their children. "After all I've done for you" is the most appalling emotional blackmail. If you don't help your children out, you're not functioning as a parent, and if you want to be thanked for your help, don't have children, be a volunteer instead.

Sorry but your mother has me fuming! I agree with all the other comments - she probably is having difficulty coming to terms with being the grandmother of 2 children, and she does sound unfulfilled and jealous. But she has to get over it, because her attitude is poisonous. And you don't want that round your children. I'd do something quite drastic, like stop inviting her round for a while, and making excuses for not seeing her. She'll hopefully get the message and re-adjust her attitude.

And using a will as a control mechanism - pah! I'm sorry, but I really find that quite disgusting.

Will stop ranting now, I hope my comments don't upset you, UD. I'm just annoyed on your behalf. I think you're right to harden your heart.

Meanbean, your comments don't upset me - I'm just glad everyone doesn't think it's all my fault as I was beginning to wonder.

When I was growing up my mum always used to say doing things for your children should be unconditional but like you all say, maybe she's finding it harder to do things for me unconditionally now that I have my own family. She says things like "So and so's mother wouldn't do half the things I do for you"

Thanks again - your advice has helped me get this into perspective a bit more.