Friend just out of prison

[Dawny65]

I have an old friend who got back in contact after being released from prison a couple of months ago. She accepts she did wrong, done her time & is trying to get her life back on track. I trust her and am being as supportive as I can, given the distance bewteeen us. She never asks for anything except to stay in contact & to talk.
She doesn't know how I, or my health has been for the last 2 years except for what she can see on Facebook, which is not always a true reflection of how life really is. As it happens my life & health have been fine; but as supportive I am of her she has simply never bothered to ask. It's just tiny things like never asking back how I am, or did I have a nice time doing XYZ when I ask about her. It seems to be all about her and nothing else. She is not British (originally from middle east) so maybe it's a cultural thing? She does initiate contact as much as me but generally I think deep down it's going to be a one sided friendship. Apart from little issues like this there are no other problems at the moment. Am I being petty over her lack of good manners or care?

She's going to need some time to get used to living on the outside. I'm sure it feels like she's been in a bubble.

Prison is a pretty life shattering experience, she is probably just readjusting and trying to process the whole thing.
Why not tell her whats been going on, give her a chance.

Well it could be because her mind is all over the place at the moment and she isn't together enough to be able to think further than the end of her nose. Her own nose!

Or she could be one of the many, many friends we have all talked about on here who are just mind bogglingly self obsessed and can only talk about themselves. Other people and their joys and problems just dont' occur to them . I find it a fascinating psychological study being with a particular "friend" of mine. and rarely see her for this reason

I’d try talking about yourself even though she hasn’t asked and see how she responds. It might be she’s forgotten the give and take of friendship. I’d give her a chance but not endless chances.

What was she like prior to prison, did she ask about you then or has she also been self centred?

Yes, what was she like pre prison? There lies your answer

I can't really remember if she was like it before. If she was then I perhaps just didn't notice. It's only now I notice it; but if she is good in other ways, and I know that deep down she does care for me & would have helped out in a heart beat if I did say I have a problem then I feel petty moaning about the small stuff.

"When someone tells you who they are, believe them - the first time"

Follow your gut which is flagging this, watch the signs and either continue to support or distance on the information you are given.

I can't see that she has done anything wrong.

she is good in other ways

Can you give us an example of how she is good in other ways?

Otherwise, I know from experience it simply isn't possible to have an equal relationship with a person who is self absorbed because it's really just all about them, :(

OR - you could try forcing her to talk about you. For example, when she messages you, tell her something about you and keep saying it, in different ways if necessary, until she is actually forced to acknowledge that you ARE going to talk about yourself for a while, and not her

From experience though, this is amusing at first but soon wears thin. Wish I could suggest more to be honest.

She is good in that if we arrange to meet up then she is reliable and does not let me down. She's good company. If I do steer the conversation round to myself she doesn't try to steer it back to her, so in "real life" it's not one sided; and I know she would help me in a heart beat if needed, so I do feel s bit petty to be honest.
It's just she never initially ever asks how I am, how my family is or what I've been up to. Unless I take the lead it is always about her. Despite me offering lots of emotional support & listening a lot to her over the last couple of months not once has she asked how I've been over the last couple of years.
I guess there are bigger things to worry about with friends than this, but just once I'd like to feel she's contacting me to see how I'm doing rather than to make herself feel better.

Give her time to adjust.

Being in an institution can very rapidly train you out of social behaviours that were instinctive to you before. It takes a lot longer to get that back.

I can think of several reasons why being in prison would train someone never to ask the kinds of questions you're noticing she doesn't ask you. But she does show appropriate interest once it's been brought up, so it's not that she doesn't care.