A year ago I left my husband

[Piratelostatsea]

Not sure what I'm looking for really.. Possibly just some reassurance.

I was with my ex for 11 years, and in that time we had numerous issues. He was always broke. I had to lend him money, support him, at times I paid for everything. I know that life isn't just about money, but the relationship always felt very one-sided. He lied to me a lot, too. He can't handle stress and would lie and put things off, which would then always lead to a crisis of some kind. Being with him was stressful and I felt as though I had to mother him, I couldn't trust him. I couldn't rely on him.

The last year has been so tough. I know on paper he doesn't sound like a keeper, but we honestly had a lovely relationship outside of the above issues. We have stayed friends and I do miss him.

We won't be getting back together. I'd just like to hear some reassurances that I did the right thing. Being single is a little scary. But I just don't think he can give me what I need.

You gave the relationship more than a decade and still couldn’t trust him.

So the reality was you either accepted life without any support and always wondering where the next calamity was coming from, or you left.

I think you did the only thing you could. Don’t feel guilty.

It’s OK to wish things were different and had got better.

But they weren’t and didn’t despite your bail outs and firefighting for over a decade.

He sounds like a pathetic teenager - who didn’t mature - and brought you loads of stress. Make a long list of all of the incidents and issues over the years and refer to it whenever you get the wishful thinking thoughts.

Why was he in debt - what were his issues - drink? Drugs? Gambling?

List also what he has cost you - money? stress? dignity? happiness? a grown up future with home and family?

Well done on finally getting shot of him. Why did it take so long? What was the last straw?

Why are you still his friend? FOG (fear, obligation, guilt)? What has he given you? Is he holding you back from moving on?

How are you different now? What have you done in 2019 - how do you feel going into 2020?

Like I said, it wasn't all bad and there were times when things improved. So I had hoped that things would change and get better in the long term, but they didn't.

We get along well so we've stayed friends, although we don't hang out too much.

I have written list after list.. I guess it just takes time to move on.

Thanks for your replies 🙂

My marriage ended nearly 20 years ago and it was over one issue which appeared to be insurmountable and one I couldn't fix alone. I very occasionally have a bit of a boo about what I lost because he was my best friend. You make a decision that you think is best at the time. It's still early days for you, 1 year on isn't long when you spent over a decade with someone.
Look after yourself.

Some people just make better friends than partners. You're getting all the good bits now and none of the bad bits. But I wonder whether staying friends with your ex is a bad idea because of that very fact, given that it seems to be making it harder for you to move on.

Of course there were good times, otherwise you'd never have spent so long together. Of course there were times when you thought he'd finally "got it" and was going to give up, or dial down, some behaviour you found difficult. But in the end, not nearly enough really changed, did it? What I found with XH was when I came down firmly on something that I couldn't put up with, he stopped that thing but started another, or came at it from a different angle; so it always ended up with getting his way somehow, whilst I thought we had made progress! I suspect this is what happened with you.

Some people just make better friends than partners. You're getting all the good bits now and none of the bad bits.

Yes, absolutely. He hasn't changed though. I can see that. He's still the same.