Marriage with no sex

[Milly101502]

Hey all,
HNY to you all I guess it’s that time of year we all evaluate life.....

So briefly -
Together for - 12 years
Married- 8
X 2 kids (7 & nearly 2)

Basically last time we were physical was the night youngest was conceived, and that was a one off 🤷‍♀️

I told him we were done in summer 2019 many reasons inc us, his lack of help with kids etc he talked me round - again!

During this time I was honest with him about sex when we were discussing our marriage as in I don’t enjoy it, I find it boring, repetitive etc I know it’s a 2 way thing but I feel too insecure to suggest new things, previous relationships I’ve been the promiscuous one but I’ve always felt like the chaser and great full he’s with me so don’t feel good enough to suggest things! 🤷‍♀️

Things generally have got better but not physically!? I have put on weight (now sixe14) so don’t think he finds me attractive I crave intimacy I even dream about it🤭 but dread it with him in case we go back to the ‘old routine’ 🤦‍♀️
Sometimes I wonder if he’s having an affair or gay I just don’t know 🥴

Thoughts???

TIA xx

There are two things going on here I think.

1. You acknowledge you can like sex and being intimate.

1. You don't want sex and intimacy with him.

You don't need to feel guilty whatsoever. It's your choice and even if you cannot rationalise the two together it's how you feel.

It sounds like you have to decide if you want to make the effort to start the physical side of things again or are happy for things to continue as they are. I honestly think that taking the step of seeking counciling might be the way to help you with this.

I could've written this! We haven't had sex for 8 months and I now feel so insecure about it that there is no way I could initiate it as I would feel like he was only doing it because I asked, rather than wanting to do it. He never mentions it and seems quite happy with the way things are, or even if he wants to change he's one of those men that never talks about anything so everything just carries on as it is. I think about it every day and am always looking at other couples and wondering what their situation is. It's getting me down. The problem is that he is a lovely man in lots of other ways, we have a comfortable life with no money worries and have a young son to think about. Therefore leaving him over this would deep down be stupid (????). But I'm also miserable because of it 😖

Me too, it's been over 7 years (since DD was conceived).

Lack of sex erodes all the other parts of your relationship.

There were some good articles/books by Michelle Weiner (I think) which list the impact.

I think very few relationships survive a sexless marriage, unless it's by mutual consent.

I tried to resurrect it a couple of years ago - bought condoms -had a night away in hotel etc. Only he got drunk, angry (off anti-D's) & was texting ex-GF in NZ.

So that was the final nail in the coffin.

I am in the process of ending the relationship- who knows, I may even have sex this year (or decade).

Same. Last had sex 2014 when our now 5 year old was conceived. I want it but not with him, no idea about him as when I've tried to bring it up he says everything is fine. I've grown to hate him touching me, we haven't kissed in years, can't stand his lips on me. He's a great dad other ways and things got better as he got a job working away from home 4 days a week, I dread him coming back sometimes. I know this is no way to live but he's happy, our sons are happy and I don't have the guts to do anything.

Marriage without sex generally isn't a marriage, unless you have mutually agreed it to be like that and if so begs the question why. You haven't

It does t sound to me like there is anyway back from it. I don't think counselling helps if you don't have a desire for your partner to touch you

What makes you think your husband is gay or is having an affair?
Also what are the reasons you don’t want to have sex with your husband? Has it always been like this or has something happened?

It’s a heartbreaking situation to be in, I've only made love once to my wife in a year because she isn’t interested in it. There’s only so many times I can take rejection before I think sod it what more can I do and we’re both in our 40’s