Narcissistic Parents and Gifts?

[Writersblock2]

Anyone else have a weird relationship around gift giving/receiving because of a narcissistic parent? I’m trying to get my head around this, as a facet in a long line of facets I’ve had to digest/think about/recover from over the years.

In my family gifts have always been quite loaded. From alcoholic father buying our silence/compliance as a small child by bringing home gifts (usually food treats, which led to a weird relationship with food - a whole other story), to mother attaching emotional value to gifts purely based on how expensive they were.

Anyway, needless to say, because of all of this, despite my knowing better and trying very hard not to fall foul of this, I’ve always had an odd relationship with gifts myself. I love receiving them (though I do everything I can to find out what they are before I open them because I’m very self-conscious when it comes to HOW I should react - again, spill-over from childhood where I would be scrutinised for my reactions) and I love putting thought into buying gifts for other people. My DH is pretty aware of the issues and we do well buying for each other, but he is aware that a lot of head space at Xmas etc. goes to finding the right gifts or worrying what I may get and how I should react.

So, fast-forward to this Xmas and I’m trying to work out how I should feel about my narcissistic mother’s gift giving. She’s massively cut back on cost this year (without telling anyone), which is fine, but her choice is strange. One of my gifts was a cheap gift on my wish list, but there was damage to it. Instead of sending it back she tried to “repair” the damage (badly) and pointed it out to me. The other gifts were a couple of handmade items. For context, she is very into crafts, and every so often she changed the craft she’s into. She is very obsessed with this and makes a huge amount of said craft, which she then keeps around the house. In keeping with her narcissism, she is constantly taking pics of said crafts, and constantly asking for affirmation from other people that what she has done is brilliant. So the two gifts were crafts she’s made as part of this hobby. They are items I’m not interested in at all, and have no use for. And she knows this. When I opened the crafts, it was all about her seeking praise for making the gifts (from everyone within earshot) and not about my potential enjoyment of the gifts. Because they take time to make, the implication is I should be very grateful because that means they are a Very Good Gift.

She also got me some very tacky items that had cartoon versions of my pets on. She also has form for this - if she knows you have something in your life such as a pet or an interest, she will forever more purchase things that have that pet or interest on, not stopping to think whether you’d actually want your house covered in items with, for instance, gerbils or West Yorkshire on.

In contrast, sibling was given a large sum of money to spend on their travels.

I know this runs this risk of sounding ungrateful, but I can’t help but think there’s always a message in what I’m given. For months before Christmas or a birthday she will say she’s got me something completely “me” and it will turn out to be something like the above. It feels like she doesn’t know me at all. And no matter how many times I tell her what I do like (and I do have some specific interests she could buy for) or what I want when she asks me, she continues to get me stuff like this then expects a heap of praise for it.

So I’m not drip-feeding, we are low contact because I’m done dealing with her constant passive-aggressive attacks on me whilst making out that she’s Mother Teresa.

Maybe I’m being unreasonable. Maybe I’m reading too much into it. Or maybe it’s just how narcissists are and it’s yet something else I just need to accept and deal with it.

Interested in other opinions, particularly from those who also have narcissistic parents.

I think you’re overthinking it.

Sounds like she's actually putting effort into the gifts to make them personal to you. She just doesn't share the same taste as you unfortunately. I feel this is more your own issue with her approach to your upbringing than hers with gifting.

I don't think you're necessarily overthinking it. Presents from my narcissistic mother usually feel hurtfully unaware of who I am or what I actually like. They usually focus on things she likes or things she thinks I should like.

Also, as children of parents who didn't care for us in a straightforward way, we are more likely to analyse things like this to give meaning / clues about how our parents are feeling about us, what their mood might be, or how they might behave next. Because when you're a child and your parent is inconsistent / moody / inexplicable, it's scary, and you learn to overthink things in an attempt to protect yourself.

@DamnItsSevenAM - thank you. Not that I’m dismissing the pop’s comments (I’ll take them into account) but yours sounds like you know where I’m coming from.

‘Things she thinks I should like’ hits home.

I think you’re right in how I’m approaching this: I’m overthinking because my initial reaction was to be hurt, and I wanted to work out why. I’ve done such a good job in managing my expectations and emotions with her generally these days that I was quite surprised that this came up.

Pp’s*

@sirmione16 maybe you don't have experience of this type of relationship? Your response assumes the parent is emotionally mature which the OP has made clear is not the case here.

I agree with @Damn that you will be conditioned to overthink things and it sounds like you need to do some work to disengage further. The aim is to be able to observe the behaviour without being drawn in to the emotion/drama of what it provokes. That is the stage I am at and it is really hard and I have misstepped I made a mistake in questioning my parent on the manner of their present giving and got bizarre aggressively defensive response (bizarre in that it was defending a position I hadn't made any comment on). Communication with narcissistic parents is never straightforward or without conditions attached. Including gift giving.

I have difficult parents myself and I do understand crap gifts. I once got a pair of kitchen scissors as a birthday present. But it does sound as though your mother is trying to think of something personal for you, even if she gets it wrong. But I know it may well look different with the full facts.

Her gifts sound like the perfect passive aggressive gift to me.

Superficially something relevant to you eg gerbil ornaments. Because you like gerbils. But ignoring the fact that you hate ornaments.

So you have to be grateful for something you hate. She gets to look good in front of others AND have the pleasure of hurting you for being such a terrible daughter.

Win win.

Giving someone a craft gift you have made reminds me of my children when they were in primary school. I didn’t know adults actually did that.

@Griefmonster - thank you for sharing some of your own experiences. You’re right, it seems like I have some more work to do. So far, I’ve mostly been using avoidance as my tactic. And when I can’t avoid, I make sure I stick to ‘surface level’ conversation. She knows nothing about anything that means something to me now. It’s interesting your ‘mid-step’ was also surrounding present giving.

@IM0GEN - it’s the craft bit that bemuses me too. It feels odd.

For the record, I don’t have an interest in gerbils (or Yorkshire for that matter). I didn’t want to give too many personal details.

@griefmonster actually I grew up with a narcissistic father who would only see us whenever he wanted to parade us in front of people, then abused us behind doors. So I've more of an understanding than you may think. Whilst yes I agree the mother seems to crave the praise and attention from her gifts, a lot of people do and expect it to be made a big deal of but that doesn't necessarily mean anything more than just what it is on the surface and it shouldn't be felt any more than that by the receiver. It's still frustrating and it's still sad. But I don't want the OP to delve deeper into her mothers intentions with the gifting because I don't think that's the real issue, I think it's further back down the time line than this. Only my opinion of course. I cut my father out, OP, because it's better for my mental health. You've got to look at what's best for yours and to what level you hold how important your mother's actions are and how they affect you.

I totally understand where you’re coming from op.
My mother was similar in that presents were often mentioned in advance “ooh I’ve got you something you’re going to love for your birthday” then my mother’s favourite phrase “I saw this and thought of you” when she gave me the gift. Usually a piece of broken jewellery from a car boot sale (she wasn’t poor, just addicted to bargain hunting at car boots).
I’m NC now. She still sends presents to my dc (“my grandchildren” as she refers to them).
I think you need more emotional distance. I found this hard to achieve when I still saw her so I went NC. I wish I’d been able to keep contact but not let her get to me but I couldn’t.

Totally get where you're coming from OP. Gifts are a minefield with my narcissistic mother as well. I agree with IM0GEN that crafty gifts sound like something a child would give, and narcissists often are very child like in their need for praise and attention. It sounds like you feel the gifts are all about HER, rather than being made or chosen with you fully in mind. You have a good awareness of what's going on, and what shes trying to achieve with the gift giving weirdness, but I know it can still be very stressful

She’s sending you a message with these gifts. A normal parent wouldn’t give shed load of cash to one kid and shit to the other.

I do not miss the emotional challenges of giving and receiving gifts from my mum (NC now). And if you haven't had experience with this kind of person then you just don't get it. Every gift is about much more than hoping the recipient likes it.

I don't have much wisdom to add other than to disengage as much as you can, and if possible laugh at it. My dad and I have stayed sane this way. Completely outing to anyone that knows me, but here are some incidents from me to make you giggle:

• For my 21st birthday bought herself some hair straighteners
• For my graduation bought a necklace she liked (I told her I didn't). She bought herself the same one in another colour and then said 'I may as well have yours too if you don't like it'. This had the advantage of also providing an opportunity to 'prove' how selfish and ungrateful I was for not liking the 'gift'
• One Christmas when I was about 13 bought me expensive luggage (not what I'd asked for) and my dad cheap flights to Prague. My dad was then expected to pay for them both to stay in a 5 star hotel (which we couldn't afford) and she took 'my' luggage
• She once asked for some make up for Mother's Day, which I bought her (I was a student and it was quite expensive). She then fell out with me for weeks because I didn't get her anything else. It showed I didn't love her enough/wasn't grateful enough

Also OP, I'll add that I think whatever 'message' is in the gifts, it's not about you. It relates to how she wants to be perceived by others.

Hope you manage to let it go - just donate the unwanted presents or shove them in a drawer. If your mum is anything like mine she will have forgotten about them when she moves on to the next thing anyway.

Narcissistic mother here too, OP, and yes, it's all about your mother seeking validation for her special craft skills.

Mothers like ours are rubbish at giving presents because we don't exist as people in our own right. We are merely an extension of them or, sometimes, just a living breath stage prop in the Amazing Story of Their Lives.

Sorry, posted too soon.

Your sibling is Golden Child and was given money. He or she can be trusted to make the "right" decision about how to use that gift. You cannot. You are the scapegoat.

I'm sorry. It's hard. Have you thought about looking at the Stately Homes thread on the Relationships board? It is full of good advice and support from people with similar family dynamics.

Writersblock

Narcissists are very disappointing as gift-givers. This is not a trivial consideration in personal relationships. I've seen narcissistic people like my MIL sweetly solicit preferences ("Go ahead tell me what you really want"), make a show of paying attention to the answer ("Don't you think I'm nice?"), and then deliver something other than what was asked for and feel abused and unappreciated when someone else gets gratitude for fulfilling the very request that the narcissist evoked in the first place. Narcissists will go out of their way to stir up other people's expectations and then go out of their way to disappoint those expectations.

Narcissists lack empathy, so they don't know what you want or like and, evidently, they don't care either; second, they think their opinions are better and more important than anyone else's, so they'll give you what they think you ought to want, regardless of what you may have said when asked what you wanted for your birthday; third, they're stingy and will give as gifts stuff that's just lying around their house, such as possessions that they no longer have any use for, or in really choice instances return to you something that was yours in the first place. In fact the surest way NOT to get what you want from a narcissist is to ask for it; your chances are better if you just keep quiet, because every now and then the narcissist will hit on the right thing by random accident.

My mother used to give “ gifts “ that were in fact things that were getting thrown out , but she would make a big show of how generous she was.

Actual examples

Parents bought my younger sis and her Dh a new suite ( sofa and two chairs ) for their Christmas. In the January they split up ( because DS was having an affair ) and DS moves in with parents.

Sister and her DH argue about the house, after about 6 months she agrees to buy him out and she moves back into her own house. Apparently he has not taken good care of the suite, it’s all covered with food stains etc.

My mother phones me up to complain about terrible STBX SIL and how ungrateful he was about their expensive gift and how she will need to replace suite, it’s only fit to go to the dump.

Two weeks later she phones me up to say d sis new suite is arriving this weekend and she wants me to have the old one as it’s better than mine ( I was a single parent and couldn’t afford any better ).

Another actual example.

D sis worked in an office with a uniform, which included a white blouse with the company logo embroidered on a pocket. D sis complained that the blouse was cheap / see through . Mum bought her a better quality blouse in a very smiler design , unpicks the pocket with the logo and sews it on.

She then appears at my house, bringing the poor quality, cheap, see through, size 18 blouse ( now without a breast pocket) and presents it to me as a school blouse for my DD, who was about 2 at the time.

So I know all about gifts that are designed to be an insulting as possible, while still allowing the giver to be a total martyr because their grabby child wasn’t grateful enough.

I totally get this too OP, gift giving to my narc parent fills me with anxiety because they will make it very clear when I get it wrong. I try to get them something I think they will enjoy but it's difficult because they have expensive hobbies and buy themselves everything they really want throughout the year.

This year I got DF a book I thought he would enjoy plus one of those travel coffee filter mugs (he only drinks coffee, never even seen him drink a glass of water). I have one too and really like it so thought he would too. Anyway, I've had nothing but digs about it since Xmas. It was his birthday a few days later and said I would drop his present off (I learned my lesson and got him something else I thought he would like) and he made the snarky comment "Its not going to be coffee is it?" 🙄. I haven't bothered to take his birthday present over yet as what's the point?

I got money for Xmas (which I am grateful for) but I've never had a personal gift from him as he doesnt know me at all.

I will also never forget the year I told narc parent I was planning to buy DS a second hand Nintendo DS as I couldn't afford the new 3D DS at the time (which is what he really wanted). Woke up Xmas morning and he had gone out and bought "golden" nephew a brand new 3D DS to open, making my DC's present look even more shit. He spent less on my 3 DC that year combined compared to that one present for my nephew.

Narc sibling got nothing for my DC this year (and last) and didn't even bother to say thankyou for the gifts I got DN's (she's currently giving me the silent treatment for finally asserting a boundary).

I've also found my narc exes have been terrible at buying me gifts (if they bothered at all) and have been really rude about the gifts I got them.

Honestly, next year I'm not going to fucking bother!

My only advice is to go low contact and not spend any effort or energy buying gifts for them. I've massively lowered my expectations too which makes it easier to deal with. It's really good that you have alot of insight into how this triggers stuff from childhood which I think is one if the first steps to healing.

When narcissists give gifts, they actually give obligations. Often when they receive gifts it can put their nose out of joint because they feel you are trying to give them obligations.

They don't tend to put any thought into the gifts they give, tbh cartoon pictures of your pets seems like she's made an effort by their standards. Probably because she expects all the greater obligation in return.

Though you say your mother put emphasis on the value of gifts and that she gave a lot of money to your sister so...I'd be curious to know if you were the scapegoat or the golden child in the family dynamic.

That might help you decipher the message. But generally speaking it's going to be 'you are not as important as your sister/more important than your sister', 'im so amazing and you should be really thankful I got you this gift. And everyone should know it. And what are you going to do for me now in return?'.

All your energies being expended on deciphering your mother’s gif giving code should be better spent on working through your childhood issues.

All your energies being expended on deciphering your mother’s gif giving code should be better spent on working through your childhood issues.

This.

Put your energy into healing yourself and less thought into why she does what she does.

People often come on here going over their stories trying to make sense of them. It's often guess work as to why. You are better off healing from your past, setting boundaries and moving on with your life.